torture

I'm in Neiman Marcus with Grant and the song I used for the CrossFit competition video I made is playing. 

And I just want to know why?

I also spent an entire brunch with Libby and Bo and either I was ignoring them or we were all ignoring each other. 

Either way, I'll come back later to detail my disappointing morning, my crying at crochet, my brunch where the waitress was very flirty, my outfit got several compliments, and then Kaylin. 

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I clicked on Jordan's story to watch her clips from today and no, it's a pic from the Open with Candice standing behind her as she walks past. 

I love her. 

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What if there's nothing there?

I've lost her for good and forever. 

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So. Events happened.

Today just wasn't my day. These last few days just haven't been my day. 

So, I'll start from the top. And maybe I'll get on my computer so this feels easier. 

....nah. Voice to text while I poop lol.  

So this morning I decided to put in my adulting hat and get some s*** done before I went to the crochet shop. So I sit down on my computer pay my toll tags.

I get those paid and I move on to my registration. And it probably is like no I could do that later and I was like no b**** we're adulting today so I pull that paper out logged under the website got all the stuff situated and they're like we don't have you don't need a state inspection anymore and I was like bet thank you but you do need an emissions test for your county and I was like f***. Nothing surely I can pass it emissions test. 

So I got in my car went to the nearest place to get my emissions test done and asked my insurance and I was like bet b**** I got insurance. But I mentioned card check for expiration date and it expired on the 13th of march. And I'm staring at it and I'm like f****** she has done it again. Those insurance card come like at least one month in advance probably two or three and my mother has just held on to mine and I said I f****** word. 

And I literally get online I get in my app I called the numbers I tried a different portal I'm trying everything to pull down insurance so I don't have to f****** talk to her and what do I do have to f****** talk to her. So call her and just say can you send me a couple of my insurance card oh hey is this ____ and I'm like can you send that to me now?

She's  sends it over I pull back up to get the emissions test and I pull up my insurance he gets in and gets right on back out and I'm like f***. He's like I can't do the test for the check engine light on looks like m***********. So I scan the check engine light to see what it is cuz he asked me and it's transmission issue and Cadillac converter issue. Cadillac converter issue. I keep trying to enunciate but it's not working. Anyways he's like yeah that I read about four grand to rebuild the transmission in about two grand for the catalytic converter. Like funny do you have credit card credit option so he goes give me the finance I get back in my car upset on the phone with Andrea I'm starting to realize I don't need to talk to you about my mom when I'm in the midst of being upset. Because no offense to her but I don't understand I don't know why a part of me I know why a part of me would love for her to be able to help me when it comes to my mother but she can't because she needs help when it comes to her mother and I need to start recognizing that more in the moment. because the only thing she could really tell me was oh man that sucks adulting costs money. Which is true both things Are true. But the part that didn't like was yeah you got to get off your mom's insurance. I've already tried that I've already priced it and I can't afford it because I don't get paid enough at my job to afford it. I get paid whatever receptionist gets paid at one of our offices and I work for eight of our offices 

So I chew the hay spit out the stubble and go to the yarn shop. I sit in my car start filling out finance options but they're on my credit card so I put it in I'm like okay that's weird but the name of my banking information I'm like now f*** this. Because oh my God what the f***. 

Can I go in the orange shop and as I'm sitting there dealing past 5:00 

Okay I'm going to try this again I go to The iron shop and as I'm sitting in my car dealing pass by oh my God I'm not that bad of a talker. 

I go to the yarn shop and as I'm sitting in my car doing this Dylan passes by. So I get out and she gets out around the same time and she runs over the casino like I'm crying happy tears I promise even though they were a little sad I was really happy to see her. And then I go in the yard shop see them sit down and I know the neck until I was been upset because she had to look on her face and I was like damn it. 

So I sit down get comfortable we start talking and then more people start showing up after we show up and Miss Linda comes in and she has a shirt she made that she started because of me and I immediately start crying and Lynette like I'm going to go get tissue I got tissue and I was like okay. And I am just boohooing and can't really pull it back in and I'm joking about that as it's happening I'm like I promise I used to have a button and I can just turn off the tears and it's not working anymore. And there's a new girl there who was really nice just like yeah but that button isn't healthy anyway I was like I know but I hate it. So I'm just going off and then Dylan calls me an inspiration and Lynette's like you inspired her to do that and I was like oh my God I'm freaking out. 

So I didn't leave there when I go to the brunch for Grant's birthday. And I get there and he shows up and he's like I cut you off and I was like I thought that was you cuz I saw those Arkansas place and I was like that must be grant. So he's happy to see me he hugs me he's also with Sophia's boyfriend and we go inside he gets the table reservations and stuff we get all set up outside the other guy who had a birthday is there and I'm realizing this is going to be like a real gym thing because other guy I don't know he is also from the gym. 

And then I hear them talking about how lesbian Bill were going to stop by and I was like f***

I hear them talking about how Libby and Bo were going to stop by and I was like f***. And then I hear somebody mentioning the word Ashley and I was like you've got to be f****** kidding me if this b**** comes I don't know what I'm going to do I'm going to leave or do something I cannot do this. 

I immediately text  Lacey when Libby and Bo show up and let her know and I tell her that I heard Ashley was coming and I was like please don't be her. And then to my surprise we talked for a little bit and then she asked if I need her to come and she'll be there and I was like Awwww omg I did not think that she would do that for me. Also wasn't going to ask her to do that for me but it was so sweet and it caught me off guard and I was like oh my God she really likes me. And I told her no we joke for a little bit and she's like okay if that changes let me know and I was like okay. 

So I enjoy myself I avoid Libyan bow I try not to even look that way and I'm just like I'm just going to pretend like y'all are here because I don't want to deal with whatever weirdness y'all have going on I don't want to be drug back into other weirdness. Do I want you to tell Candice you saw me yes. Do I want you to tell Candice that I looked pretty yes. And as I'm having these thoughts people are coming up to me and hugging me and telling me I look pretty and I love my outfit and then the waitress we had was very pretty also very gay and she kept complimenting my outfit and saying hey basically that she just told me when I came in and she was happy that she was the waiter because she wanted to tell me how good I I looked and I was like oh my God ma'am you are flirting with me and I am here for it so I flirted right back in front of everybody because I don't give a f*** I'm single and I want to do what I want to do and also maybe a little bit help you tell Candice that I was also flirting with another girl. And she also touched my hair and those little purple part I had in there and I wanted to tell her that I wanted purple pink and blue for a bisexuality but I think she gathered that when she complimenting my hair and touched the purple thing that she said was cute.

So I enjoy myself me and Jordan split a bottle of bubbles which is really really good and then we just all have a good time together we're all laughing and joking and cutting up and it was fun and actually ended up being another Ashley so I didn't have not having to worry about that which is great. I guess kept telling myself that Candice wouldn't do that to me and that Candice doesn't like hanging out with people from the gym so she surely wouldn't do that to me. 

Also learn that that went to aledo last night and I was like hey man I didn't go to lido what was going on in Toledo nobody told me. 

Ok I'm pooping again so here we go. 

Then Grant invited me to hang out at his place but said Jordan couldn't come. I said yes, but I have 6pm plans, so I couldn't stay over long. 

We ended up window shopping with another girl and that was fun. 

She made a comment about Grant's windshield cuz he had two large cracks in it. And I'm like hey man why do you have to bring that up. So I took up for him while he's telling the story I'm like I have a little dings all in my windshield but apparently you can get them filled and I didn't know that so I tried to get the windshield replaced they were like your windshield is fine it's just filled holes and I was like oh didn't know that okay. 

Shoot my earrings fell out I think whatever. 

And then before we got out and I was like Grant send me your address cuz I don't think I saved it and I'll bring you some goodies for my house so we can hang out and then have to go. And the girl in the backseat goes so how do you know each other I don't think I ever asked that. Sounds like b**** you're only asking it because you know. So I said actually Grant said we know each other through Jordan and I immediately was like I have more respect for you grant not that I didn't have a lot but I was questioning things. And at the same time I said I used to go to the gym I don't anymore. And she said oh what happened? And I said things. And she said oh would you go back? And I said not right now. And I don't know. And then she kept talking about it and me and Grant were like putting it off and Grant was like no she won't go back like I respect it even more lol. .. I was like only time will tell and right now time ain't saying nothing so I don't know. 

Because I just kept thinking about when Candice said well I know it feels like to be have feelings for someone and they not be available. 

So I get in my car I go to my apartment get some things put them in a bag for Grant to take back to him so he can have some fun tonight. I get about 10 minutes away from my apartment and I'm like 7 minutes away from Grant and I'm driving I get in the right hand lane because my Exodus about to start coming up. 

And like something out of a nightmare I see something coming underneath this man's truck and by the time I recognize that is a a truck hitch it is doing somersaults and flying towards me and there's nothing I could do. It's mashed directly into my windshield and I was livid. 

Because at first I thought it was his fault and then I kept thinking about it and I was like no he's driving because that wasn't his hitch this came from the front of his truck like that was somebody else's hit that fell off because I wanted to chase him down at first and then I slowed myself down and just went ahead and pulled over and started crying. 

And I am crying because of Thursday I am crying because of this morning I'm just crying all over the place. I'm crying because I'm sad about Candice a little bit but not really and I'm also crying because I just spent brunch with Libby and Bo and I'm crying because I just wanted to go have fun and I wasn't bothering anybody and I'm just living my life why is happening. 

So I pull over pull out my insurance card and that's really what did it because I ripped it up because it was expired because it was expired and I immediately just trying to cry couldn't hold it in anymore. boohooing I pick up the phone call State farm there was glass all over my dashboard glass over my lap on my thigh on my skirt it's kind of hit me in the face a little bit glasses on my hand. 

So I'm texting Grant to let him know I'm not going to make it but I'm okay I just had an accident. I'm texting Kaylin to like redo plans and then I'm like you know what I'm sorry I can't come I had an accident. I'm on the phone State farm and I am hyperventilating crying like I can't even get a cry out because I can't breathe and tears are just flowing down my face and I'm trying to tell this new information and I'm barely keeping it together and every time he puts me on hold I just lose It and I pull it together enough to talk to him. 

Then I text Caitlin back cuz she's texting me to figure out what happened in like Tuesday no don't worry about it everything is fine we'll do something different another time. And like I'm sorry and I'm texting Dylan because on when I call State farm I transferred to a woman first and she was saying do you have bodily injury and I looked in my legs and there is glass all over my leg and I'm like I need to go to the doctor I can probably clean myself up and it'll be fine and I'm just like what was my therapist told me to do if I'm going to take care of myself what do I need to do. So I tell her yes she transfer me over to that man that I was crying on the phone with and then I texted Dylan and I'm like hey are you busy tonight and she is immediately like do you want to hang out yeah I'm not busy what do you want to do what is it so I tell her I'm like can you meet me in my apartment and take me to the doctor and maybe keep me company tonight because I just had this accident and I am crashing out basically. 

And she says yes send me the address on my way I'm like okay great thank you I'm trying to tell her I'm going to get there and she's like do I need to come and get you and then Kayla's texting me like where are you do I need to come and get you and Grant did check on me as well like doing tell me if I need to help you I will come out there and I was like no I'm okay everything's fine I'm figuring things out. 

So having my edibles are kicking in for the night. But I'm going to continue to tell her story. 

I text Laura and I'm like hey I'm not going to make the run tomorrow she's like no big deal no contacts or nothing cuz I'm just like I need to go down the list of telling people that I'm off the roster tonight and tomorrow I can't do it. 

So and I'm on the phone State farm and he gets back on the line and he's like okay I got the tow truck I'm trying to figure out some things just give me a minute hang on tight and then behind me I can see like highway patrol or safety patrol sound like there's a patrol people you and he's like no that's probably just a state they're trying to see what's wrong and try to help you so I wrote on my window and it's loud and I'm trying to talk to the state man with State farm man on the phone he's like well we can take you he's going to take me to my apartment so im like Mr State farm man, is that okay. He said if you're okay and that's good for you yes that's okay I'll cancel your toes it's going to take about an hour so let's do that and I was like okay that's okay with me and I get off the phone with him and I'm still hyperventilating like and crying and the guy my window is like okay hey if you want my buddy can drive and your buddy is standing there and he looks really nice I'm like yes he could drive so I get out to figure out what they're doing. And then he's like do you want to drive in the truck with me or do you want driving truck your truck with him and I was like I'm driving my truck with you so I get into the passenger seat he does try to open the door but the car is locked because I was in it so I left the keys in it so he can hop in they couldn't figure out how to unlock the doors because my car is made for old white woman so the car stuff is in the middle console so I'm freaking out trying to tell them how to unlock the doors I'm just like use the key just use the key to use the key I get in and he's like okay let's try to the QT and I was like the QT?! I thought you was going to take me to my apartment. AND TELL HIM THAT BECAUSE I KNOW IT'S NOT THEIR JOB OH SORRY I'M IN ALL CAPS LOL 

Sound like hyperventilating going okay. He drives and I'm like I have transmission issues and he's like okay we trust me to the QT. AND ASK ME WHERE I WANT TO PARK I'M LIKE RIGHT ON THE SIDE OF THE BUILDING OKAY I DID IT AGAIN LOL. Sounds like I'm inside the building is fine and he pulls in and he is like okay and he's checking on me and I'm like I'm okay. And as he gets out kailyn calls me and she's like you weren't texting fast enough and I'm like hi revelated and still crying on the phone it's just like and that's why I called because I figured you were telling the whole truth and I was like yeah I was not telling cuz I didn't want to freak you out. So she's talking me down asking me what she needs to do if she needs to help me and I'm like no it's okay and I'm telling her everything and I'm like if you can stay on the phone that would be perfect cuz she offered to stay on the phone with me so she stays on my phone with me and I get into the driver's seat and she's like if you can't drive I can come and drive you and then I can go back to my house like no I'm okay I can drive I was just stay on the phone with me I can turn on my trauma and use that button to turn all this off and then I can go home and get myself situated. So then the guy comes back and he hasn't look on his face like girl are you good and I'm like I know I get it. So I'm like I'm fine I promise I know my face looks like this and I'm still hypervenomic and crying in the driver's seat with the car running. And he's like okay I just want to make sure you're good you're good and I just want to make sure you're okay you let me know if you're okay you're not okay and we can stay for a little bit okay I promise I'm just going to put my friend and drive to my apartment. So they leave well no they wait actually for me to pull off and I'll leave before they do and then they eventually leave I'm sure at some point I'm on the phone with Caitlin and she's telling me a story to distract me about herself and then we make plans for later and then she asked me about Libby and Bo as a distraction to and I tell her and then I get here and meet Dylan. 

And Dylan take me to the doctor and we get registered and we're calculating and telling dark jokes in the lobby when the doctor called me back there and it's like hey the X-ray tech isn't here she left at 4:00 so I wouldn't want to see you because I couldn't really help you because I would need an x-ray and she do the x-rays and she not here and I was like m*********** so she's like I can transfer you to another clinic I might have to deal with drive me to another clinic but dealing with like yep let's go okay thank you and we went to another clinic on the street that's named after my last name which means it's not that far away from the gym. Now it's like great here I am up the street and around the corner from the gym and I just could have went to the doctor's office by my apartment but I couldn't because they didn't have an X-ray tech because she decided to leave today at 4:00. Wish you out there I hope everything's okay. So I go there and I tell Dylan a little bit of that story like oh great now we're over here fantastic I go back the nurse is nice you know so God had to show him a little bit of my butt cheek to make sure there was no glass back there and he was joking I was joking and he was like I'm sorry if that's offensive I don't want to upset you I'm just the humor I cook with him right now so no no I cope with humor as well therapist does not enjoy it we were laughing and talking he was really really nice he was not flirting with me either and I could tell before he told me he was married that he was not fighting with me he was just being really nice. Because he asked what happened and I told him he was like oh my God and he told me that a 2x4 has fallen off of two separate trucks and hit his car before and I was like oh my God and I was like are you going to find out destination error and he's like yeah I'm only 2 years old so you know the fear of final destination it's the worst. And then the nurse practitioner comes in and she's checking me out and she's okay I need you to bath without soap you know what Dial soap is you got any down soap and I was like is that the orange one she's like yep it's orange one use that antimicrobial and I was like okay. And I go back with the x-ray technician she x-rays my hand a couple times and they don't think anything is on my legs so we don't x-ray those and then she's complimenting my nails and how good they look I'm telling her what kind they are and what to do when you go ask for him and then I go back to the doctor and she's like you're asking it looks fine but I also just want to look at your hand anyway and the nurse had explained that to me before he cuz he came back in between it to set everything up so she gets some trees out what she gave me I need to go get this because she's like we can't use it again but you can take him home cuz they're good. And I was like bet I'mma use those kitchen hairs out. 

So I go back out to Dylan and I'm like I'm alive everything's fine and we go get food so like are you hungry so we sit down families I give her more news stories she hasn't heard before and then we leave and I'm like cuz I also ask her to spend the evening with me cuz I thought I was going to crash out completely. And begin the car and I'm like it's already almost 9:00 you can go home I'm not going to hold you hostage anymore. But I think her I showed him my windshield and she was like oh my God you were so lucky which everybody has been saying to because I didn't think about the tow hitch coming into my windshield like coming in the car and hitting me I was just mad because it broke my windshield. 

But I am lucky that it didn't come through my windshield and hit me in the f****** face cuz that would have been terrible. Cuz I thought I had glass in my face and the guy touched my face and was like looking at him he's like no I think you're okay I don't see his car and I was like okay great 

And now I'm in my apartment a little bit on my way here I was like maybe the talk of the gym will be that I was in a car accident and Candace will hear about it in passing and be like oh my God that is crazy let me check on her because the part of me wanted to call Candice when it happened and how am I going to do that. 

And I would never hurt myself for attention but since I was already crying and sad I was like maybe something good will come out of there like that.

That I know because which feels sad and I know that but here we are and it's the truth of how I felt I was like if anything can come from this outside of my mother f****** texting me my dad texted me because we share f****** insurance. Maybe people will talk about the accident at the gym and she'll be like oh no I am concerned I want to check on her is it going to happen I don't f****** think so. But I also don't understand why I've been having such s***** days so close together  I f****** hate it.

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But I have really good friends really good support system and I am very lucky to have met these people and have built relationships with them enough to where they're like I want to help you you say when and I'll be there. Cuz also share them with Alyssa last night because her family abandoned her at the train station when she drove in no when she trained her way into Oklahoma late at night and they just decided it's not come and get her. So she text me that and I was like I will commiserate you with you if you want until I told her about the taxes in my mom and stuff and she's like oh I'm so sorry and we shared a moment which was nice. I'm very lucky to have friends who care enough about me to want to be there for me and I'm okay physically I'll see my therapist for mental LOL. 

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Also that gym girl that I had a crush on before I left and I started flirting with her which I'm wondering too if that's something that kind of said Candice off cuz she did not anything she do that was happening unless she was watching those cameras. But I have seen her a few things for the gym friends a few times but I didn't think she recognized me and today she made the comment of like cuz some money introduced us and it's like dude I feel like I've seen for us like yeah I think we did a class together. Never mind I'm like and I like you without makeup and I had a crush on you when I saw you at the gym and that's why I wanted to work out with you. And then I saw her on Instagram and saw that she's like a sex positive person and I was like losing sex positive never had it you want to let's do it. LOL. 

But as I was leaving, she did tell me it was nice to talk to me because she didn't want she thought that she knew me but it wasn't sure it was nice to know that she does and then she reached her arms out to hug me and I hugged her too and I was like oh yeah we going to be f****** LOL

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Also, I got into college. I found out yesterday at work and they sent me a text today at brunch. 

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And Camille added me to her close friends! Lol

I'm actually in a few different close friends from people and I feel so honored lol.