regulated emotions

I think I've balanced back out. 

I think Candice really did care a lot about me. If she didn't, she would have given up when it was easy. She just really wanted me around. 

I reread the mean email I sent her after I read the Borderline chapter in Whole Again and the author describes their experience the same why I called her out. So I felt a bit worse but also justified in the statements I made. 

I love her and I'll probably always love her, but she doesn't love herself. She may not even know who she really it. 

So no relationship she has will ever be successful, not even if it was one with me because she's not getting the help she needs. 

And I fully understand how bad people with Borderline have it. It sounds like cPTSD on crack to be honest and I don't know if I cool even function that way. 

So I somehow love her even more and I wish she at least gets to find genuine joy, even in moments that she's like "activated". (There's some term the author used to describe a Borderline person being active like bipolar people are when they're manic). 

And I'll always have a special place for her in my heart and I hope she gets help, even if that doesn't mean we end up together. 

I hope she gets help and I hope she gets to experience true peace long-term at some point in her life. 

And iiiiiif that leads us back to one another, I would still love to explore that. 

I still hate what happened but I better understand why she cannot even fathom a healthy ending when she made it very clear she didn't want things to end anyway. So I'm sure that really was a hard thing for her. To get my emails and see me getting angrier as she continued to gaslight me. To get notice that I quit, probably by reading my very public review. 

And she'd do anything she could to not be alone, staying in this loving relationship with her girlfriend, staying in her marriage against her better judgment,etc. 

I'm glad I took this time to feel my feelings, even though I ended up being depressed. 

I feel like or I guess my hope is that I don't get as triggered, dyregulated, or start romanticizing things as frequently. 

She hurt me because she genuinely does not have the capacity to do healthy and she tried her best to do the same thing I was doing: getting close by just being friends. 

Maybe the draw we had to one another was primal instinct. Maybe both of our hidden wants and needs were just magnetic. But only one of us had the ability to draw the line and end the unhealthy way we went about things. 

She hit her capacity and I'd already extended mine. 

Maybe I'll find the connection somewhere else. Who knows?

But I will cherish the time I spent with Candice until the memories drift away with time.