less hope & more upset

I think I need to start looking for another job and I don't want to do that. 

Today has not started off great and I'm already a little irritated about how things are going and the fact that I feel like I'm the only one treading water right now and I'm not allowed to make the smallest wave no matter how much necessary because it freaks Andrea out and she begins to grab on me for support, pulling me under.

I have warned her about many things that have come to fruition and we are still sitting ducks. The raise I never got and the profit share where I was forgotten? I highly doubt she said anything. And now she's talking to Patricia because she doesnt want me to for some reason, yet she needs me to answer questions about what she's talking to Patricia about. 

And now she's asking her how to handle him as if we don't do this on a regular basis-- because we do. 

I'm starting to realize there are a lot of things she's good at but a lot more hindrance that does not allow me to grow, show up, or speak up in the way I want.

She does not recognize that her fear is steering us in circles and her inability to think because she's so afraid is doomed to capsize us. 

~

Also, she told me Friday that Whitney was basically talking shit. Which she said she deaded but that lets me know two things.

Whitney is in the same group with Chandler of talking shit and holding a grudge rather than communicating to understand.

And Andrea will not tell me when people take issue with me until she feels like she might as well.

~

And Patricia said the same thing I said Friday about Tim. The same thing Andrea was dismissive about being an issue was indeed a huge issue.

And instead of thanking me for handling it in the way I did (which I know I struggle with familially), she came back here and told me to handle things that way moving forward. And then after I had a look of like "...yes" she said "I know you know that, but other people may not have done that"

I'm the only one who inquires about things like that. So much so, even after I explained things to her with Patricia on hold, she failed to understand it and told her something differently then what we traditionally do. 

There are just a lot of things that worry me more than ever now that things are getting worse. 

And while she says she has no one to talk to, Patricia says she's already raised concern about Whitney to Chris. 

And it's like I gently told her this morning, I feel like she's also operating out of fear, which I understand but it's not conducive to this department.

~

I'm in love with someone I don't know. 

I started reading Whole Again and apparently I'm a Cluster B Survivor. 

So I never really knew Candice which is why no one really does. 

I bet moving in together was Candice's idea to help with the optics of our semi-public fallout. 

I bet she embarrasses me, tells lies about me, and will happily throw me under the bus every chance she gets to defend herself.

I bet she never even liked me and I was right the whole time-- I was her fucking toy.

I am in love with someone who does not care about how I feel. And I know that. 

I knew that because she gaslit me over email, she kept putting herself around me knowing how confusing that was, she kept reaching out to me, cock blocking me, the picture of her kissing her girlfriend, reaching out to me at Christmas.

She doesn't give a shit about me. She'd rather block me, lie to me, and move in her girlfriend to physically replace my everyday presence at her gym than deal with her own shit.

She does not care about me. It's always been about her. 

What she can do, what she can give. I was just a receptacle for her attention.

~

And now I'm crying. I'm just another victim of a shitty personality disorder. 

I'm another casualty in a long line of people she's hurt. 

I'm not special. I am not different. 

I mean nothing to her. I meant nothing to her.

She wanted me to go away and it shows in her ability to let me. 

She'd rather I quit the gym than stay and want nothing to do with her.

She wanted to get rid of me because I was no good to her anymore and she was crying about my review because my review upset her perception she's worked so hard to build.

She was not hurt that I quit. She's hurt because I outed her.

And to think I ever contemplated deleting that review. I'm gonna go like it from a different Google account because fuck her. 

~

Im waiting to give myself a cooling off period. Then I'm fucking doing it.