learning

I'm still a little irritated this morning. I'm doing voice to text on my way to my last volunteer session with this group and I'm really sad but also want to talk about some other things so here we go I my relationship with Andrea is changing not necessarily enough there are I am putting two effect what Melina told me when I was asking her about whether or not I can trust people and what happens when I'm upset and all these different things. Because I'm starting to see the difference between I'm starting to understand her better and I had a conclusion yesterday that I don't think I wrote down but I think I'm on the money with it. I think Andrea's thing is that her dad was her protector and did everything for her and took care of her so she is looking for that in a man no. She's expecting that out of man but not looking for that in a man. And she wants her life to be different than what it actually is but with the same but without her making any changes. And I understand the context of that but I don't want to just seem like I am mitigating her efforts and trying to change things and all the jazz but it is what it is. Anyway after telling three people Saturday in real time what happened to me their reaction was one of like oh my God are you okay is everything fine and I know she can see me and it's different but I told her this morning and it was like oh well you get a new windshield and that's kind of stuff at my mom used to do. Very dismissive doesn't take your feelings into consideration and it's almost like no it's just very dismissive. That irritates me to no end. Because as much as I don't like being sitter of attention because I don't want to feel like I'm just an attraction for people to watch and enjoy I also would like to be cared for still. And I'm not used to people caring for me and taking care of me without the well this is just my job I'm doing my duty type feel to it I felt more like an obligation growing up then something people wanted to take care of. And that change with Candice and then with the friends that I end up building relationships with after. But I am I don't like the feeling of knowing that people are only good for certain things in my life cuz I feel like that makes me feel dirty a little bit and I don't want to feel that way. And I know my intention appear and I'm not trying to manipulate and do all the things but it does make me feel gross. Like today I'm going to do for the last time this group that changed my life her response was well you can find another one these are things I know already and they aren't helpful again it's just it's cold and I don't want cold. So the only groups that are going to be open now would be more privatized groups which means that they're more about making money because I don't want to do that. She does not understand privatization and how that affects different things she does not have a grip on the reality of different situations and that hinders our relationship when I want to discuss the hard things that she doesn't understand. So when she tells me that I've had so many instances oh my God it feels like my mother. I have so many instances where she's been in a tizzy I've helped her out of fat Tuesday she goes to talk to another quote unquote older person who gets it and they end up telling her the exact same thing I said. So after a while one would gather that whatever I'm telling you is most likely correct instead I'm always being double checked which is fine but also irritating because when it comes to things happening in the world nobody's double checking that it's just me when I get advice that you don't really want to hear. And I'm already irritated and I'm being careful with my feelings but I had to get that out because either it's going to Stew and Brew and get worse I'm going to put it on paper and get out of my brain so I can just say how I feel and kind of make sense of that and then move on with that in mind. I'm trying to repeat to myself some version of what Melinda told me some friends are good up into a certain point and it's not that they're useless that they're just more apt to help you or be some sort of support or comfort or fun for you up until a certain point and then that's it they have a capacity on what they can provide. I'm trying to keep that in mind when making decisions about the relationships I nurture and it's hard but I'm trying I'm really trying. And I say that as glasses continuing to fall into my car. Also I told her about that and Jamie Lee went into a conversation about her mother and having conversation with her I just don't I feel like I did with Bria innocence but Bria was not mentally in the same places as far as like knowing what is good for you it was not in all the things I feel like I'm grown past the point of her understanding and I don't think that that's going to change and I keep hoping she'll get there and I don't think that she will at least not anytime soon and I keep trying to for my relationship around what I think is going to happen in the future instead of what is happening currently right now already and I told me. I just treat her as she actually is instead of how I figure she might end up being or when she'll get it I can help myself more as well. Or glass swollen irritating. I'm almost there I'm a little bit late and I know that I'm going to be crying so hopefully this all goes very well.