fuming

I started cleaning up my phone to make room for videos and photos. 

Came across stuff from Candice. 

Read her email that made me quit. 

That was so fucking mean and I started crying all over again. And then I got angry all over again.

Read her girlfriend's message to me: tone-deaf and she tried to be shady, fucking bitch. But I handled that well, even rereading those messages.

Then I went to see my review. Then I saw everyone else's reviews about how much they love the gym and how thankful she was in response and blah blah fuck her. 

Because she literally wanted me to quit rather than have me stay. 

She did not want to see me, talk to me, nothing. 

She just wanted me gone and she wasn't kind about it at all. 

I know I'm angry right now because it's easier to be angry than be hurt. 

Do I still love her? Yes. 

That does not dissipate my anger and my hurt. 

Then I went to her Instagram through my business page to see her captions and photos. 

And like I assumed, she was divorced finally in 2021 and that girlfriend of hers is her fucking emotionally unavailable rebound. 

... I'm so mad at her. 

For hiding, for using me as a scapegoat, for continuing to put in more effort to keep up appearances than she seems to put in to just actually taking care of herself.

And by the looks of her captions, not much has changed. 

Still surface level and maybe that's just who she is and maybe my hope to see me up with her is moot. 

I wanted to watch her Stories so fucking bad. 

But none of this matters. It's just an unhealthy distraction I chose because I miss her and I'll likely never get to be with her, actually know her, or love her any more than I already do. 

I'm just angry at alot of things but the anger I direct towards her feels easier because she can't defend herself. She chose not to defend herself. 

And I'm glad I lashed out because she really was so fucking mean in that email. She gaslit me, tried to make me look crazy, and told that I could just shop around if I couldn't handle her professionalism. And had the coldhearted audacity to tell me she hopes I understand where she's coming from and she hopes I have a good week. 

I'm glad I lit her up. She earned it. 

~

Everybody looooooves the gym, well so did I. 

And I loved the owner of the gym too. 

But who cares? Not her apparently. 

What's it matter? It doesn't. 

And me being hurt, sad, angry etc doesn't change anything between us because she made her choice. 

~

And she posted that picture, kissing her girlfriend when she knew I was gonna see that. And still had the audacity to tell me she's "unavailable" and just wants to be there for me and wants me to know that I can still come and talk to her. 

She wanted her cake and eat mine too. And yes the saying is wrong for dramatic effect also I can't remember the other cause I'm high. Fuck off.