coming up on a year

Yesterday we walked while Andy and DJ ran. Laura B was on a ski trip with her boyfriend and Andrea stayed home to sleep off the time change. 

Afterwards Laura came over and I taught her how to crochet a basket. 

We talked and she got to know me better. And it felt me--centered. I feel like that often with people, so I made it a point to ask about her. She talked about work and a little about her family, but not about her. 

I asked her how her and Andy met and she just said in college and skipped right back to questions about me.

Then I cooked dinner and she started asking about Candice. She was curious about how close we were, as is/was everyone who knows. So I gave her the jist again and I defended Candice when she threw her under the bus.

I told her we both gave each other a hard time, but in the end she just gave me a harder time for trying to distance us from each other. And I told her what happened when we last talked on the phone.

And, to an extent, I will always defend her. Because I don't like what happened but I get it. And everyone things she's weird and closed off and awkward because that's how she's been towards them.

She also wanted to know if she was texting me every day. I told her no but towards the end I kept getting gym texts like multiple times a week and they never had a coach's name on them but I assumed they were from her.

She said that never happens. The automatic gym texts are like once a month or a few times a month. She also asked me about if she talked about her divorce and I didn't remember at first but then I said yes. And I was nervous to tell her because it felt like a betrayal so I told her multiple times to keep it to herself and take it to the grave and then I told her what Candice told me and how after she told me she immediately sounded nervous and said no one at the gym knows about that, not even coaches she's known for a long time and to not tell anyone. 

And I woke up this morning and chose to do today's meditation on understanding and forgiveness because it rang out to me. I immediately thought of Candice and how helpful this could be for me. 

I did it and it was fine and then I listened to Snow Angel because I knew it would help me feel my feelings and I love that album.

I ended up crying as soon as the Gemini Moon song got to the first bridge. 

I am love with her, I miss her like crazy sometimes, and every time I learn that she really was different for me, it just hurts all over again. 

And Laura told me she went to the Open Friday to support Bill and Candice spoke to her and I could've sworn she said she hugged her. That hurt my feelings because she won't even speak to me. And she said Ashley gave her a weird look and she was basically attached to Candice the whole time. 

And then she said she's always admired Candice's physique because she's very lean for her age. 

It didn't emotionally upset me to talk about her yesterday or even after Laura left. Maybe because I made myself busy and I immediately started drinking my prescription.

Idk. 

This morning I'm just sad and I let myself cry at work when I got here and I almost threw up. 

I want to be with her, not because I think it'll be perfect or easy. Because I think she's great. 

I really do think she's a good person and I'm afraid none of that matters. I'm afraid none of it will ever matter and nothing will change.

I'm afraid I'm doomed to be heartbreaken and never solve any of that with her, never see her again, never hear from her-- nothing. 

And I remembered that it's coming up on a year because Laura asked me when I quit and asked me if I get worried about my fitness and asked me what my new routine was now because I used to go to the gym everyday. 

And that did make me upset, so I started fumbling and not really knowing what to say because it's all still fresh and it all reminds me of her.

And last Sunday, the guy at the coffee place we go to knew my name. And everyone else has been going there for like a really long time. They're much more regular than me and as soon as it happened, Laura recognized it and said something, DJ did the same and they were both joking. 

And then he joked about it in front of everyone and I laughed. But I was secretly afraid that it was happening again. It was a scenario that was mirroring the Candice situation with my gym friends but in a different setting.

And it happened again yesterday but worse. The guy was working at the counter next to the cashier and I was like "ok, this will be fine" And as soon as I stepped up to order, they switched out and he spoke to me and said my name. And DJ was right in front of me.

And we joked about it and laughed but I was still a little uncomfortable because it solidified my fear of it happening again. 

And I recognize now that I was triggered. 

I was being singled out, I was being treated differently, and it made me feel like this is just my thing. People fawn over me and give me special attention and treatment and then I end up hurt. 

Same thing with the girl I thought I would be good friends with and she made the joke about getting old and marrying each other and then she skipped a group hangout to do a brunch with just us.

I just want Candice-- not the noise. 

Laura also brought up how people probably had access to those emails I sent her (which I realized once I learned she was with Ashley and not at work), and how she'd done all that commotion just to not even move. 

And I didn't say much but I was thinking "I TOLD YALL, I TOLD ALL OF YALL SHE JUST WANTED TO QUIT"

So now I'm at work, standing at the counter, journaling and crying and trying not to pull my hair out. 

And I'm gonna go home, eat and get in bed. 

I honestly might just eat in bed.

~

I went to her page after I told myself I wasn't gonna do that. 

And I'm not gonna write about what I saw regarding her girlfriend. 

But I still find her attractive and that makes me sad because I think it really is over. 

And I don't want that. 

~

Everyone loves me. Everyone just can't get enough. 

Except for Candice. I guess she's had enough. And maybe all those emails really hurt her feelings and even though I apologized maybe that didn't matter. Maybe nothing I could say mattered. 

Maybe she's just forever angry at me. 

And there's nothing I can do to change that. 

It doesn't matter that I unblocked that girl who has her last name AND her eyebrows, or the fact that I posted pictures to make I look like I've been going on dates to make her jealous. 

And I'm no better than her. I've been upset that she chose to double down and stay with her girlfriend but I'm doing the same thing.

I've doubled down on making new friends to insulate myself and I have not started dating really at all. 

~

I need to work on that canvas. 

~

She is the first person I've ever been in love with. 

I thought she would be my first everything. 

And I don't want to date because I don't want to be constantly reminded that no one feels the same. 

I don't want to fuck anyone because a small part of me only wants to give myself to her. And I'm afraid I'm going to fuck someone and then she comes back almost immediately after. 

I feel stuck in so many ways and free and afraid in others. 

~

That was my friend. I really miss my friend too. 

~

Also a tiny part of me feels like "was Laura on a mission from Candice" because why ask all that if, like she said, no one is talking about us anymore. 

But I used to think that about everyone when I was in the thick of it. 

And a larger part of me is jealous because Candice sounded happy to see Laura and she was welcomed there.

My worst fear is that she has told everyone I am not allowed to ever come there, under no circumstances. Or I will go there for something and be ousted out loud. 

Or worse, she will taken up on herself to tell me to my face to leave and that I'm not welcome.

Or she'd openly ignore me the same way I did her. 

She won't be happy to see me, she does not think about me, and she doesn't give a shit about how I feel about her.

She has always ran from being honest with me. She'd do things to show how she felt, accidentally and on purpose. 

The only thing she was more than happy to verbalize was a lie. 

~

She rejected me. 

She's rejected me several times.

~

Silence is rejection and I know she was reading my messages and ignoring me because when I sent the one about her treating me different,, she blocked me. 

And when I told her to block my on Facebook, she did. 

Sunday, we talked about Fast & Furious and I revealed that I love those movies and I saw the last one in theaters. And I joked about when I saw them going to space and I said I have got see that. 

And as they started laughing, I immediately thought of Candice.

She was the last person to laugh at my Fast and Furious love lol. When I talked to her at Branson, I was telling her I had a difficult time or something and she asked what I did to feel better and I flatly said "I went to go see the new Fast & Furious" because I was serious lol. She laughed and it was nice to hear a genuine laugh from her because my answer caught her off guard and I know that my tone let her know I was dead serious. 

I laughed and I think I said something like"it was a really good movie" and laughed some more. 

...I really miss her. And I'm glad I got to know her and I really really wish things could've been different. I wish she would have accepted their needed to be space between us and let it happen. 

Instead she looked at me like she loved me and proceeded to double down her efforts to not leave me alone. 

And i know all of that has helped me grow but I hate it happened. 

She was fine living hours away from her girlfriend but couldn't leave me alone for one hour a day, wouldn't stop texting me, wouldn't stop cock blocking me. 

Anyways, I think I'm gonna cry and watch Fast & Furious tonight. 

~

I'm feeling better. 

I applied for Financial Aid and messaged my admissions advisor to reset my portal password. Then I put together some art. 

I am down bad behind Candice and it's not even funny.

I want to know what she wears to bed. Casual pajamas, oversized pants and a tee shirt. Less casual? A bra or tank with oversized pants. Or maybe a shirt and shorts. I want to know what her hair feels like in my hands. What it would be like to massage her scalp, rub her earlobes, caress her chest. What would it be like to look into her eyes and lose myself? To see her and get excited, even if I'm still a little mad. What does her car smell like?

When I looked into Candice's eyes the first time we met, and I mean really looked, I saw a glimpse of me on her couch in her home, with her dog on my lap and I thought "huh, we'd be really good friends"

I hadn't even known her for 30 fucking minutes. 

And that's not real? That's one-sided?

~

What kind of toothpaste does she use? Does she wash dishes or use the dishwasher? Does she cook or bake? Does she like going out to eat? What's her favorite food?

What makes her laugh? Does she like dumb jock jokes or dirty jokes or corny jokes? Does she like Fast & Furious?

Where does she walk her dogs? Do her dogs sleep in the bed with her? Does she let them on furniture? 

Where is her favorite place to shop? Does she like Great American cookies? What if she's allergic to seafood or shellfish? Ohmygah 

....like I said, I'm down bad. 

~

Would she want to come sit with me while I got manicures? I'd like that. Or we could get pedicures. 

Would she come with me to doctor's appointment when I'm nervous, even if it's silly? Would she play footsies? Do I like footsies?

How often would I get to see her smile? The crinkles at the corner of her eyes, her nose ring move in motion with her grin, her mouth open and her lips curved to show her teeth.

How dirty would she be? Would we taste each other's tongues, map out its textures? Would she take me to buy a new dress just to watch me change? Would she feed me as I lay my head in her lap? Would she trace my lips with her fingers before slipping one in to feel my tongue? Would she trace a single finger down my spine to my ass over and over and over again, building an expected rhythm only to break it by running it around my waste and sliding into my pajamas? Would she blindfold me before getting between my legs just to breathe in my smell before rubbing her nose along my clit?

I could go on.