better sorta

I went to her page this morning because I really don't know who she is. 

And, not only that, I'm seeing the lengths she'll go to in order to keep up appearances. 

I don't know what to believe anymore and I don't know that I ever did. 

I never knew her and I probably never will.

What's done is over and ended and will never resurface. 

And thanks to her inability to respect my boundaries, I know for certain that I'm gonna have a hard time opening back up in that way for anyone I'm attracted to. 

I'm gonna either be dismissive or downplay my existence in my relationship.

I'm gonna be working more to undo that feeling of being heard, being understood, and being steamrolled anyway.

She is just like my family. I chose someone who treats me just like my family.

And I let her in because she felt safe. Maybe she never felt safe at all. Maybe I confused safety with familiarity. 

~

And as much as Andrea says she wants help, she still steamrolls me until she needs me to do something she doesn't know how to do or figure some out that she can't. 

And she talks about how she wants to let the departments work and she lead, yet her first response to me trying to do that and finish out what I started was to usurp it with an attitude of you would never be doing that. 

Then as we sat there and she was looking over things (the emails between me and Patricia) it went to "you could probably do this" and immediately then "do you want me to just email her that I'm available now"

Soooooo you don't want me to do it and you present it as it's not my place, you notice how I've handled it so far and give me permission only to immediately revoke it by making me chose to either let you step in and take over or not? All this after I said I told her I'd talk to her but you may want to be involved.

She does not want me in HR because why?

I told her I wanted to be in HR and her response to that was to literally hire someone specifically for HR. 

I really feel like she's doing the same thing other unhealthy relationships in my life have done-- she's purposely keeping me stagnant so I don't outgrow her.

And Idk what she tells anyone about me if anything, but I have never thought it was the whole truth and I still really don't think it is.

I don't think I belong here. 

~

And now she's telling Patricia that she'll handle it and she doesn't know who Patricia would talk to other than her about it. 

I don't know, me??????? The person who is fully capable of doing that and is tasked with helping. 

As if I cannot hear these interactions.

I cannot spread my wings here and it's becoming more and more frustrating. 

~

And Andrea was a little combative with Chris this morning because Cass wants to quit and Julie wants to change her structure. Chris said he told Julie not to call Andrea and that he was gonna talk to Patricia about it. 

She felt insulted and pushed him on it and told him. So I asked does she know something about employment law and we don't know that. And she said no. But she asked Chris and he told her why and she took his answer personally instead of being a bit more inquisitive to get the details she wanted. 

She "found a way" to ask Patricia about it to call her bluff and Patricia rattled off Title Law about it, not knowing she was being checked. And then Andrea joked about Chris saying he needed to talk to Patricia and she didn't know why. And that she'd need to call him back and talk about it.

And Patricia is saying the same thing-- Julie is not being honest about wanting to keep Cass around with more details from her end. 

The first thing I told Andrea about it was that it didn't seem right and something was off and I asked if she'd read Cass's Exit Interview and she said no. Even after reading it she said well she's been making fun of her about the classes Cass had been doing but now she's saying everyone is mad that she's leaving. And I said yeah, she seems to at least be actively trying. And I doubled down on something being weird and those classes were just fine and even I'd told her those were cute. And I said it's the same thing Maddy does and Andrea's response is that "Southlake is different". It does not take a lot to steer her in a direction if she has no grounds to question anything because she only sees what's right in front of her. 

~

I'm going back into self-preservation. 

~

She gave me a meeting recap of not much of anything. I gave her no advice.

I know I'm not leading this department, but sometimes it feels like I'm pulling I larger weight than most people realize and maybe more than I should.

And I'm no longer defending Candice. I'm over it and over her. Turns out, time is just a book that is unforgivingly honest.

People can talk shit, I can fuck members if I want. I don't care. And when her relationship inevitably ends whenever for whatever reason, I don't want to hear from her or see her or have anything to do with her.

She's a fucking bitch who's selfishness knows no limit. 

~

I liked the review. 

...We love that you enjoyed our classes and our community, which is something we take great pride in. We really are sad to hear that you've decided to leave. Our goal is to treat every member with the utmost respect while providing as much support as professionally possible. Hopefully all of our reviews reflect that! Please know that it's common practice for us to check in with each of our members because we genuinely care. We strive not to treat anyone differently than anyone else. Our regularly scheduled check ins are in place to ensure our members needs are being met. You know we want to see you succeed and I do hope you find what you're looking for.

She threw me away, quick and easy and immediately moved her girlfriend in to back up her story.

She does not care about me working out for any reason, my mental health, my physical health. She's a selfish bitch that I should have stayed far away from like my body told me. 

I'm over it and I never want to see or speak to her again. 

There is no love, only pain. 

~

Aaaaaaand, here I am, helping her do all the things to look good while I play the background and do all the other shit. 

I can't help Patricia with her issue, but I can attach a timesheet we both have access to and send that in an email she added me on instead of just doing it herself. 

~

Also, I'm pulling info from offer letters and I looked at Tatum's and Andrea told her we do reviews in Jan/Feb. 

We don't do reviews at all. In fact, the ones we do have started right as she got here and our department still does not do them.