another summer upset

My volunteer org is shutting down and I'm sick about it   

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I swear to god it feels like history is repeating itself. Yesterday Jennifer from the volunteer group found me on Facebook and added me and immediately got nervous because I was like oh my God I hope I politics now oh my God I post about politics now I wonder what she's going to think. And then I saw her go through all my stuff and like my sweater that I made so I was like all is well. 

Today I'm doing voice to text also by the way. Today she text me when I was at work and told me that the last day to volunteer for the arts program is monday. I didn't know that. I thought I had at least until June or July to keep volunteering. So that's stung. And she said the last day to volunteer is on Monday and she really hopes to see me there. And I told her I will most definitely be there and sent a little cry face. She liked that message and told me she'll bring tissues. 

I'm devastated about them closing. And I'm crying again I'm tired of crying today. I'm devastated about them closing because I there they were my refuge when I was going through all the stuff with Candice. That Christmas when she text me into the night and into the next morning and then I saw she was with her girlfriend on some kind of trip but messaging me it ruined my Christmas. Started looking for a place to volunteer and then I found them and I love them so much and just Jennifer was so nice and the other lady was really really nice and immediately fell in love and I was like this is going to be so  great. And it was really great I had so much fun and it gave me something to look forward to and I love the group and I loved working with older people and it was just kissing it everything felt like it was supposed to be happening. And it was so easy to do. And now I feel like because of my stupid f****** president that they can't afford to stay open. And I know they can't afford to stay open and I just don't know why. Did I hate it so much I hate it for selfish reasons and I hate it for selfless reasons and I'm just really really sad about it I'm not ready to stop I didn't want that to end. Do they all feel like something else I love has been taken from me on another summer. Last summer I lost the gym and now I'm losing the place I go to volunteer to make myself feel better and it just really f****** sucks  I feel like an idiot crying about this because it shouldn't matter and I'm still even dumb or doing voice to text while I'm crying because I can't talk and cry at the same time.  

Does it feels so much like last Summer with the gym because it all happened before I was ready and I thought I had more time. 

That made me sad almost to immediately I wanted to cry because I feel like it's happening again 

So I come home and sit at my computer and I decide to do school stuff and then start working on some different arts for the resistance because f*** our president. 

So I got about email and I'll start looking at the stuff they need cuz they need some stuff that was missing and I fill out the first floor it's really simple and straightforward then I go to the second request and it's a copy of my tax return for 2023. And I'm like okay I'll go online and pull that down send it over to them I don't know why they don't have it maybe they just need to confirm something. 

So login and I click on I go to the section for your transcripts and it stops at 2022 I'm like that can't be right something must be wrong so I go all over up and down their website and I'm clicking on stuff and like the tax returns here I don't know it's here I saw that it was a minute where is it but I'm also maybe that remembering things right I'm starting to second guess and I found myself getting worked up and I start freaking out so I still try to slow down and I started reading what I'm looking at and then I see I have some messages in the portal. So open the portal and it said that they don't have record in between 24 return which is correct and then I see a second letter that says they don't have record of a 2023. 

And I keep looking through their website after that for a minute. Because I know they have this return and after a little bit of scrambling I finally stopping like no go read the letter again and go read the letter and this time I'm actually reading it and I'm just saying that it says we do not have a copy of anything on file or record for anything regarding the 2023 return. 

And I start melting down almost immediately I'm trying to hold it together so I can try to problems off and I'm googling whether or not I get apply for financial aid without having my return filed and then I'm trying to figure out what to tell the school because I need to turn in stuff 30 days from now and then I'm trying to figure out what else I need what do I need to do how did this happen I have to go pull on my files because I know I have a copy of the return. So email school and I get that squared away and I'm already crying at this point can I open up my files and I do have a copy of in return and I'm flipping and I'm flipping and I'm flipping and there's a folder in with that return and it's another copy of my return but this return has a manila envelope wrapped around it with labels for mailing and stamps on it for mailing. And the return in the folder has those little tabbies you can buy that says sign here where I should sign and date it. So my mom never gave it to me for her to package a mail. 

And I'm livid and I'm also feeling lost and confused cuz even looking at it I'm thinking this can't be right she mailed the return in she told me she was going to mail the return in if the return has to be with the IRS. And even now just saying that I feel like an idiot cuz that's how f***** up things are I literally have the return in my hand inside and unsent and I'm still thinking there's no way she told me she was going to mail it she mailed the return. No they don't because I have it. 

And I don't know why she would do that. My mom is an accountant and has been accounted since I've been in elementary school. And she went back to school when I was in high school or Junior high. And she has two degrees or three degrees something in her field. She knew what she was doing I don't know why she would do that to me that doesn't make any sense 

I don't know why she would do that understand I don't get it like she was just going to hold on to it out of spite and never send it to the IRS she was never going to do anything with it at all. 

That is the same woman who for years I haven't even realized maybe even had anything to do with me and going back to college my second year at tech. And I share that with the ladies that crochet when I talked about why I never finished school and what happened my first year I went. 

I told them that I thought everything was my fault I was just supposed to know all this stuff but it wasn't until a few years ago that I figured out that schools probably said letters out a lot of notices to let you know you need to be applying for stuff and you need to be moving out and packing and all this stuff and they probably went to my house because all my mail goes to my house which we means my mom did not give it to me. 

My mom is the reason I've never finished that tech. Is there a still part of me who doubted that that was even true. But it is. The ladies in group didn't flinch when I told them. Karen just said that's why we make sure to send mail to students on campus. 

Which explains so much looking back. Why she wasn't upset, why she didn't try to help me. 

That was my first recognizable fight with depression. I was torn up. And she stood on the sidelines while I try to claw my way back. She knew all I had to do. She knew how upset I was. She knew. 

And now I know why my sister helped me pay back some of what I owed after I tried to go back but my financial aid didn't come in on time because I was late and the school said "sucks" and sent me a bill. 

She probably knew because it would be just like my mom to get on the phone with her and be like "she got these letters here, but she probably doesn't need them or they probably told her" anything to bring it up and be dismissive. And if my sisters even asked or brought up the fact that they would tell me, I can see her saying "no this is her responsibility, she'll figure it out or she won't"

And this is AFTER I literally took courses and test for her to pass her college classes so SHE could get HER degreee. 

It's fucked up. 

So my mother has betrayed me again, during another summer and I don't even speak to her and I haven't even seen her. 

And I almost called and texted tonight out of despair and anger. But I didn't because I couldn't grasp much but I felt that it wouldn't be worth it. I'd just get sucked back in some kind of way. 

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Going into another summer and the thing I love doing is gone and my mother has fucked me yet again. 

And I'm crying off and on enough to make my eyes swollen tomorrow.