what living looks like

Second night of nightmares and this time it was about my family. My dad, my sister under me,and some boy found me in like a Walmart. Then followed me home.  I had woken up from the store one because security was shopping, passed by me freaking out backing away from them and called in for help. So I was able to leave the store while they were acting out in the store. So I left my with my dog and drove us around town to find somewhere to hide out.  I woke up to shake the dream, fell back asleep to find they'd found me at home in my house or like a church center or something, and I had to sneak out and then sneak back in to get my dog, and then sneak outside to find some guy I trusted had her on the back of his motorcycle (??) and was driving away with her.  Once I knew she was safe, I just sat and hid outside. But I also didn't want to do that. So I snuck back into the house but kept getting seen by my sister who I thought would keep quiet but kept telling everyone she saw ...

I think I've balanced back out.  I think Candice really did care a lot about me. If she didn't, she would have given up when it was easy. She just really wanted me around.  I reread the mean email I sent her after I read the Borderline chapter in Whole Again and the author describes their experience the same why I called her out. So I felt a bit worse but also justified in the statements I made.  I love her and I'll probably always love her, but she doesn't love herself. She may not even know who she really it.  So no relationship she has will ever be successful, not even if it was one with me because she's not getting the help she needs.  And I fully understand how bad people with Borderline have it. It sounds like cPTSD on crack to be honest and I don't know if I cool even function that way.  So I somehow love her even more and I wish she at least gets to find genuine joy, even in moments that she's like "activated". (There's some term the au...

I went to her page this morning because I really don't know who she is.  And, not only that, I'm seeing the lengths she'll go to in order to keep up appearances.  I don't know what to believe anymore and I don't know that I ever did.  I never knew her and I probably never will. What's done is over and ended and will never resurface.  And thanks to her inability to respect my boundaries, I know for certain that I'm gonna have a hard time opening back up in that way for anyone I'm attracted to.  I'm gonna either be dismissive or downplay my existence in my relationship. I'm gonna be working more to undo that feeling of being heard, being understood, and being steamrolled anyway. She is just like my family. I chose someone who treats me just like my family. And I let her in because she felt safe. Maybe she never felt safe at all. Maybe I confused safety with familiarity.  ~ And as much as Andrea says she wants help, she still steamrolls me until she...

I'm slipping into a depression.  I saw it coming from a mile away but I've been pacing myself while it lingers in the back of my mind.  The taxes, my mom, Andrea trying to defend her, having to call my mom, the car inspection being denied again, news about my car that I already kind of figured, the tow hitch smashing into my windshield, baking all Sunday for no reason because I ruined those cookies, work sucks and no one is doing anything about it, I dread getting out of bed to come here, everyone talks about working out and that hurts because I emotionally cannot, my family won't stop reaching out to me, my dad called the insurance company and left a lady distraught when she called me to see if anything wrong was happening with my situation in fear of me being mad, I cannot afford to take on an additional debt behind my car right now, I may not even be able to get financial aid for college and third party plans are no longer held to the same legal standards, apparently Whi...

I think I need to start looking for another job and I don't want to do that.  Today has not started off great and I'm already a little irritated about how things are going and the fact that I feel like I'm the only one treading water right now and I'm not allowed to make the smallest wave no matter how much necessary because it freaks Andrea out and she begins to grab on me for support, pulling me under. I have warned her about many things that have come to fruition and we are still sitting ducks. The raise I never got and the profit share where I was forgotten? I highly doubt she said anything. And now she's talking to Patricia because she doesnt want me to for some reason, yet she needs me to answer questions about what she's talking to Patricia about.  And now she's asking her how to handle him as if we don't do this on a regular basis-- because we do.  I'm starting to realize there are a lot of things she's good at but a lot more hindrance th...

The more I understand my family, the more I feel like maybe Candice did like me but moreso wanted to have me.  Tonight, Grant brought a friend who was really drunk and really handsy.  She told me I was beautiful several times when we first met. She grabbed my thigh, she begged me to dance. We danced, she kept saying she loved me incessantly, we were crotch to crotch dancing across the floor. We even stopped dancing and hugged it out for a beat. And she kept saying she loved me or repeatedly saying yes ma'am.  Then we went back to the table. She was cute btw just really drunk lol We went back to the table and she was touching my boobs in front of everyone and I didn't mind because me no get much action AND she was cute.  Then I jokingly pointed to her where my boobs were in my shirt because she kept missing them.  The she kept grabbing my boobs and pawing at my hands. So I held her hands and she pulled me in to hug her. Saying incessantly how much she loved me an...

Things in my life have changed so much.  I've changed so much. Another change is around the corner.

I'm still a little irritated this morning. I'm doing voice to text on my way to my last volunteer session with this group and I'm really sad but also want to talk about some other things so here we go I my relationship with Andrea is changing not necessarily enough there are I am putting two effect what Melina told me when I was asking her about whether or not I can trust people and what happens when I'm upset and all these different things. Because I'm starting to see the difference between I'm starting to understand her better and I had a conclusion yesterday that I don't think I wrote down but I think I'm on the money with it. I think Andrea's thing is that her dad was her protector and did everything for her and took care of her so she is looking for that in a man no. She's expecting that out of man but not looking for that in a man. And she wants her life to be different than what it actually is but with the same but without her making any c...

I started cleaning up my phone to make room for videos and photos.  Came across stuff from Candice.  Read her email that made me quit.  That was so fucking mean and I started crying all over again. And then I got angry all over again. Read her girlfriend's message to me: tone-deaf and she tried to be shady, fucking bitch. But I handled that well, even rereading those messages. Then I went to see my review. Then I saw everyone else's reviews about how much they love the gym and how thankful she was in response and blah blah fuck her.  Because she literally wanted me to quit rather than have me stay.  She did not want to see me, talk to me, nothing.  She just wanted me gone and she wasn't kind about it at all.  I know I'm angry right now because it's easier to be angry than be hurt.  Do I still love her? Yes.  That does not dissipate my anger and my hurt.  Then I went to her Instagram through my business page to see her captions and photos...

I'm in Neiman Marcus with Grant and the song I used for the CrossFit competition video I made is playing.  And I just want to know why? I also spent an entire brunch with Libby and Bo and either I was ignoring them or we were all ignoring each other.  Either way, I'll come back later to detail my disappointing morning, my crying at crochet, my brunch where the waitress was very flirty, my outfit got several compliments, and then Kaylin.  ~ I clicked on Jordan's story to watch her clips from today and no, it's a pic from the Open with Candice standing behind her as she walks past.  I love her.  ~ What if there's nothing there? I've lost her for good and forever.  ~ So. Events happened. Today just wasn't my day. These last few days just haven't been my day.  So, I'll start from the top. And maybe I'll get on my computer so this feels easier.  ....nah. Voice to text while I poop lol.   So this morning I decided to put in my adulting hat and...

My volunteer org is shutting down and I'm sick about it    ~ I swear to god it feels like history is repeating itself. Yesterday Jennifer from the volunteer group found me on Facebook and added me and immediately got nervous because I was like oh my God I hope I politics now oh my God I post about politics now I wonder what she's going to think. And then I saw her go through all my stuff and like my sweater that I made so I was like all is well.  Today I'm doing voice to text also by the way. Today she text me when I was at work and told me that the last day to volunteer for the arts program is monday. I didn't know that. I thought I had at least until June or July to keep volunteering. So that's stung. And she said the last day to volunteer is on Monday and she really hopes to see me there. And I told her I will most definitely be there and sent a little cry face. She liked that message and told me she'll bring tissues.  I'm devastated about them closing. A...

Yesterday we walked while Andy and DJ ran. Laura B was on a ski trip with her boyfriend and Andrea stayed home to sleep off the time change.  Afterwards Laura came over and I taught her how to crochet a basket.  We talked and she got to know me better. And it felt me--centered. I feel like that often with people, so I made it a point to ask about her. She talked about work and a little about her family, but not about her.  I asked her how her and Andy met and she just said in college and skipped right back to questions about me. Then I cooked dinner and she started asking about Candice. She was curious about how close we were, as is/was everyone who knows. So I gave her the jist again and I defended Candice when she threw her under the bus. I told her we both gave each other a hard time, but in the end she just gave me a harder time for trying to distance us from each other. And I told her what happened when we last talked on the phone. And, to an extent, I will always de...

Fondly remembering the last gym outting I had with Candice. She has been working at me all night, trying to butt into conversations I was having, cock blocking me flirting with that guy, and then the last time I ran to the bathroom to avoid her, I came back to her at the head of the table I was at (and her girlfriend). She was standing there, waiting on me and I know that because she addressed me loudly in front of everyone as I was walking back to my seat just so I wouldn't avoid her because how could I when she gave us an audience.  I miss her so much and I hate the way things ended. I hate that she refused to talk to me after months of me begging her to do just that.  But, to be fair, that was after I posted my review.  So maybe that was her straw? ...I don't know but I wish it wasn't. ~ Oh fuck.  I heard her voice in someone's video, over the gym mic.  I miss that and now I'm scared of how I'm gonna react to that. 

We JUST got talked about energy in therapy with Malaina on Tuesday and here I am, being off kilter at work because Andrea is off kilter at work. Rochelle used to say this and she's never been wrong about it-- one thing will get in her cross hairs and Andrea goes on this nervous "we gotta, we gotta, we gotta, and why haven't we, how does this work" panicked swing. And that has happened early this morning over one bill from Tony, all because I feel like she is nervous about how she will be perceived AND the fact that Chris got on to her.  Am I behind? Yes. By like a week. And it's not apples to apples but she just got "semi-reemed" by Chris about reports being behind.  So now, our reporting being behind is fine and Bills and Deposits take precedent.  And fine. I'll do that but I do not want to hear it when it comes to anything else. Because I do more than just reporting. But I will put Bills on the same scale of importantance and deposits and we'll...