branching out

There's been a lot of developments in my life. I went to EMDR the other day and that was much it got deeper than I expected I'm going back to school and it just all came full circle to the moment that I had that option for promotion and I feel like I don't want to get into cuz I know I'm going to get emotional because I didn't come here for that I just feel like now that I'm in the day now and then. I was right about Candice because I hung out with some Jim friends tonight and when we went to go get dinner coach Maddie was there. M a t t y. And then I avoided him because last time I saw him he was drug and he act like a dick and he also politely let me do that which I'm grateful for. And then it went well and I was getting comfortable and like trying to be used to like being a person lol. And then I heard DJ talk about how Candice and Ashley don't run but he has seen them walk all the time now it's like great great so she does live here that's just wonderful. She is still just got to do that that sucks it really does. And we start talking about Libby because Lacey text me Friday and told me she saw a ring on Libby's finger and I was like oh God my first reaction was something I forget lol. But she said that and then I forgot to ask Laura about it and then Laura told me that people think she's pregnant and I was like oh no. And it I don't really care about them it's just like interesting to pay attention to I could give two s**** but what scares me every time I hear about it is that they are moving so fast from the outside looking in and I am afraid that that is going to cause Candice to finally commit to Ashley via proposal marriage what have you they're already f****** living together so what's going to maybe she already proposed I don't know it is possible and I'm just going to keep telling myself that cuz I already told myself that they were going to be living together anyway and now maybe they are engaged and I just don't know but it scares me that if it scares me because at some point I feel like it's just going to happen and I'm going to be miserable for a couple of days because even thinking about is making me want to cry right now. Cuz I don't want to be with anybody else and not just because she was the first person that I've gotten close to is because of all the things that I felt before I got closer to her and everything after. So it's really scary to know that to know the parallel between the two couples even though they're entire situations are different it is scary to me. Because I feel like I'm the reason they moved in together and I'm not going to be the reason it's just ironic it's an unfortunate and I'm in the middle of it. But I can celebrate because I got my couch today I went for the first time I'm at Kelly's husband and his brother his brother was cute. I was like are you single you also have a pug how cute LOL and Blair gave me that couch and I'm so happy and I'm so thankful and I didn't have to pay for them moving I didn't have to pay for the couch it was all free. And then I met a girl at the shop and she said there's a gay speeding and I I told her I was a baby gay but I'm bisexual so I feel like I forgot important details but I don't think it's going to be that crazy but I think I'm going to go to the speed dating in Dallas because I don't think that I'm ready to move on but I don't like to at least try for something else I would like to at least try for something else. Because it's it's not the

~

It's not easy I know this is easy and I don't understand how she's able to do it cuz if she feels the way I feel I don't f****** get it and then I get mad at myself because I do get it and I almost wish I just didn't because I feel like that would be easier so just blame and move on but that's not the case. Both because I'm a happy but also sad her be the topic of discussion. I'm sad that I got to hear her be a topic of discussion. And then I cannot avoid everything but there are certain things I really wish I could so I'm going to try to be dating situation I'm going to see if they have any tickets it's like $10 that stuff to drive out there and find parking and stuff so let's just f****** see 

~

Can I have my edible for tonight and. I have had my edible tonight I don't know why the voice to text is not picking up the right thing. But I texted Andrea because she is the first person I wanted to tell that I'm going on this meet and greet situation date whatever and fall supportive she does always question my sexuality. And I want I wanted to write about it but then I stopped myself because I don't think I was going to say anything constructive I was going to be angry which is not but that's not a constructive I just thought it was going to be me lashing out instead of being angry about how I feel. So I gave myself time to think about it I started a little meditation and now I feel like I'm ready to talk about it. 

My biggest issue behind her using me to question her own sexuality, is the fact that she equates the act of having sex to attraction and love. 

And after thinking about it for a minute I can love my mother but that doesn't mean I want to f*** her. And I can be Love of my best friend, but that also doesn't mean I want to f*** her. I don't have to have sex with anybody to know how I feel about them. 

Attraction is attraction. Love is love. They don't mean anything in the sense that if you love this way that means this or if you do this that means that. It's not life or death it's love. 

It is consensual it is caring it is safe and it's also risky. 

But for some reason when attraction goes outside the guys of men it begins to be questioned. So I don't understand why I can love a parent and I don't have to have sex with them to prove that I'm fact love a parent. I can love a toy and I don't have to have sex because I know I love a toy. I can love my best friend and I don't have to have sex with them to know I love my best friend. 

And that is not to say that sex is not important it is to say that love Bridges the gap. I do not need to touch Candice I don't need to see her again I need to kiss her I need to look her in the eyes to know how I feel about her. I don't need to do anything other than feel the way I feel my love does not cost in a way of casting doubt and running away because of fear. I hope that makes sense sound a little gently when I said it. 

But love exists because we feel it, not because of what we want to do with the person. I can love Candice unless they don't want to have sex with her let's say it doesn't turn me on to do that I would still do whatever I could to make her happy. Even if we were never together physically and had to come up with something else or if I had to get in there and get to work like I don't 

I just don't know why she keeps hanging her hat on sex. I mean I know it's her personal problem but I don't know why she keeps dwindling on that not doing something but you know what I mean dwelling lol. Sex is an act. There are some people who are together who can't have sex. Maybe it's too painful maybe they don't like physical touch maybe they can't because they literally physically aren't able to. That doesn't mean they do not love each other that does not mean they cannot love each other it just means that their relationship is a little bit different. 

And what's funnier is the fact that I've never had sex with anybody. So she's okay about me being attracted to men, but for some reason it's a question about women. I don't know that I like dick well if I have a lick of it and I decided to taste gross. Same way I don't know if I like p****. And there's only f****** one way to find out. And even if I find out I don't like eating fingering touching and being near another vagina that doesn't mean I cannot love another woman.