i hate cptsd

I hate this is my condition.

I'm really struggling with feeling overwhelmed. With joy, new laughter, hurdles, people being kind, asking for help, being vulnerable.

It's scary. It's really scary because I immediately start to doubt myself 

~

I think I'm ready to talk about things. I went into the run this morning with the group and that was good. In the beginning I did realize that another guy from the gym he used to who I used to talk to was there he left when his wife got pregnant a little bit after all that. But DJ came and the other Laura came and in the new guy / old guy was there. And everybody was really happy to see me. And all his question that of like are they happy to see that because of the Candice thing or they happy to see me because it's me like I don't get it.

I did the run/Walk and it was good I did for a little bad because I fell down a lot to the point where I thought I was going to get left and I started being really mean to myself. And then I looked up and Laura was waiting on me and I was like see stop being mean. 

And it would have been a lot of not feeling good enough but since that feeling is not there anymore it was just me being mean to myself because I was falling behind. 

Then I got in my car so I'm going to breakfast I pulled out and although I am already in the middle of the street some guy decides that he would just rather keep driving. So I clip him as I'm getting ready to turn I go ahead and stop because they pulled over. And I get out and he's immediately a dick. Blaming everything on me even though I'm calmly checking on them and telling him I was already in the middle of the street why did you not stop. But he just kept being a dick his girlfriend or whatever was not really saying anything she was just looking like she was there for decoration which also made me mad cuz girls speak up for your f****** self. But he's like I'm going to call the cops and I'm going to do all this stuff and he was just really amping up. Sounds like whatever just I have breakfast to go to right now people are waiting on me I'm going to give you my information we can take care of things around I don't feel like dealing all this. I would just rather because it's cosmetic and it's not a lot of damage deal with it on my own. 

It really threw me out of work because I'm stressed out about this car accident he's pissing me off because he's being a dick for no reason and then I chose to abandon myself in order to get to where I wanted to be and not linger in the situation because I feel like it was only going to get worse. 

Then I make it to breakfast I'm still a little pissy so I'm kind of going off about that a little but not a lot. And then I start sneezing incessantly. And I promise it had to do with the stress of that accident and all the internal term while I was having because I have been to that place before and I have never had a sneezing fit like the one I had today. To go eat breakfast with everybody sneezing fit would not stop. 

And everybody was really nice about it and I was joking about it and they were checking on me all the time and then I was like I am embarrassed and then Laura was really nice about everybody was nice but I just felt like an idiot so that didn't help. And then I was chatting with all the people about all the thing it was just really nice. And then on our way out Bill's girlfriend invited me to her birthday party and it was like I thought you thought I was an idiot not because she was being mean to me because I hurt myself being an idiot not hurt heard. And all in the midst of that while I'm sneezing inside ordering food earlier I almost forgot Blair text me and was like hey here's some pictures of the furniture I'm giving away let me know what you want. 

So even though this car accident was Oreo between so many good things it's almost like the good things made it worse because I feel like even more I didn't deserve them. 

I feel like because I was in the accident and embarrassed myself in such a way by abandoning myself I did not deserve people's kindness because I'm a terrible person. 

But I stuck it out and then Laura and her boyfriend came over to check on my car and they were like you think it's worth the insurance and I was like no it's not but I also did not want to deal with that man being a dick. 

And then I get them myself like worked up inside but it wasn't coming out. And I got home started bundling up because maybe I was too cold and that's why I wasn't using I was doing everything I could to like stop it from happening. I sat down in my chair immediately started crying because it just felt overwhelming and I didn't know where to start I didn't know what to do and that's why I wrote that first part of this entry today. So I took a second to like let that happen I got up I took a bath and then I started texting Blair back about the furniture, I texted Kelly to schedule time to help me with the furniture and I was also worried about that because Blair wants to picked up this weekend and I have stuff to do and I don't know if Kelly has stuff to do because I only have the morning free that day and then I thought about the shop and how I'm supposed to meet Vanessa to get the hook and there was just so much in my brain knocking around and I could not get my mind wrapped around things. 

So I pushed forward by being very honest. I texted Blair and I was honest hey I'm going to make arrangements but Saturday may be cutting it too close I don't want to pressure anybody what's the latest I can come and get it. Then I move on to Kelly and I'm like hey Kelly I'm going to mouth on it real quick just bear with me give her all the information to make sure she has all the information to make it informed decision and then she's like okay cool let me check and see cuz next Saturday we have this going on but let's see what happens I'll let you know. Address and she's like also by the way this furniture upstairs I'm like oh my God we have three four upstairs at a good two. Some freaking out but I'm working through it and then I finally text Alyssa and go hey Alexa Blair has his furniture she said you can have as well or also need to text her back this is reminding me I'm going to have the couch and the chair. Hang on

~

Okay I just did that as well. I'm not as just a little bit of black I'm getting better because I called that guy back cuz he called me earlier and then you didn't leave the voicemails I simply was him but I wasn't sure and then I started over thinking that he was like going to the doctor see if his neck is broken and all this stuff even though it was just it cosmetic buff out situation on his vehicle. I was calling him back and I'll send him a text told him there with me that I called me back again to follow up and he finally call me back while I was cooking to start cooking to hope that I would calm down

I also try to be more vocal on social media about politics because things are really f****** bad in America right now. I have lived through so many historical events I'm f****** tired it's exhausting. But this is really bad like Hitler bad and I'm not exaggerating. 

So I made it going to be vocal about hey here's some things you should know because I feel like you don't and I'm not calling on anybody specifically but if the shoe fits where it b**** gotdamn.

And I feel like that's going to come back and bite me in the ass even though I'm being respectful about it and I am presenting it in the kindest way possible while being also very informative and using big words. So I'm stepping more into with me than I actually am that I bury inside of myself and it is terrifying to let that out. 

An apartment feels like I'm going to turn my friends away or maybe risk my job at work or people just will look like I'm mumbling. Or like people are just going to judge me for it and treat me like an idiot. 

And to be fair Alyssa has made the comment of she's happy I'm sharing this stuff because she also does it but she does it in the way of telling people that hey that news is not real. And that it doesn't fact make her feel crazy and I was like thank you so much cuz it makes me feel crazy. And then people have been liking my post and sharing my post and then today in the midst of all that crazy Kelly message me this morning and said something across something about something I posted as a compliment and then she said I'm really happy about the stuff you're sharing on social media. 

So that made me happy but I've been overthinking it because I don't see certain views in my stories anymore and I don't know if that people's choice to make which is fair but just made me feel like I'm a bad person or if it's the platform I'm on not promoting my stuff because it goes against what they are trying to put out there to people. 

A lot of different places and also sorry my application for school I need to check on one of my transcripts so I can finish it up and start looking at places to apply to and I'm scared I'm doing a lot of scary things and I get to see Melina tomorrow so I just keep telling myself that all I have to do is make it to my appointment tomorrow that's it that's all.