what living looks like

I drunkenly confessed to Brittany that I was in likes with someone but didn't say who.  And she told me so I told her it was Candice.  She politely checked the situation in this way: I think I was just creating it in my mind because I want you to have the relationship you deserve.  Youch lol. But she's not wrong. I do really wish it was with Candice but I'm here and she's with her girlfriend. I get it. ~ And I haven't brought up Candice really with Brittany since EMDR. I also told her that.  I know no one wants me to settle or move backwards. Same. I would love and will always wish I could have a healthy relationship with her.  ~ I don't know. Now I kind of feel like an idiot this morning. With my therapist for me to get in my own head. And I feel like I have just been wishfully thinking again romanticizing everything and I know I haven't I've been very honest and realistic about with myself about all the things I've been feeling. But now I just feel...

I just came.  And then I turned on the Worst Behavior video and ohmygah. Yes please.  So I mentally prepare to start again, I buy the song.  And the owner of my company just accepted my friend request.  I thought we were already friends. AND I've made some political posts I overthink constantly.  This great for my libido. 

I am overwhelmed today. I've been balancing thoughts of Candice since the Super Bowl. I'm in love with her, I can't seem to find anyone so far that makes me feel anything close to that, I overheard Andrea comment that she's living with her girlfriend so that's confirmed, and Sophia saying that it was clear that they weren't in a good place in class once had been concerning me because she described the girlfriend as being dismissive about Candice being upset. And I was able to go through texts to find screenshots of our old conversations and it brought up a level of clarity that made me sad. Tatum had her baby so now I'm back in the mix of HR. I saw a girl at crochet Saturday with her hair done all beautifully and it reminded me that I have a huge chunk of mine missing and I don't know if I'll ever get it back.  All the little side projects and requests at work have me late on my due dates so I'm essentially playing catch-up while trying to keep u...

Candice came up again today post-run.  Apparently she extended the lease for another 6 years and they're getting AC.  .... so she can afford to stay after all, apparently. I'm mad because I wanted her to move because it would put more space between us.  I'm mad because I thought she couldn't afford to stay.  I'm mad because maybe I did play a role in her wanting to "move." And now she's keeping her safe space and keeping her girlfriend.  I'm mad because I wanted her to feel something, some form of sadness or anger or blame.  But no. That's my island.  The one I followed her to and she left me on.

There's been a lot of developments in my life. I went to EMDR the other day and that was much it got deeper than I expected I'm going back to school and it just all came full circle to the moment that I had that option for promotion and I feel like I don't want to get into cuz I know I'm going to get emotional because I didn't come here for that I just feel like now that I'm in the day now and then. I was right about Candice because I hung out with some Jim friends tonight and when we went to go get dinner coach Maddie was there. M a t t y. And then I avoided him because last time I saw him he was drug and he act like a dick and he also politely let me do that which I'm grateful for. And then it went well and I was getting comfortable and like trying to be used to like being a person lol. And then I heard DJ talk about how Candice and Ashley don't run but he has seen them walk all the time now it's like great great so she does live here that's ju...

I hate this is my condition. I'm really struggling with feeling overwhelmed. With joy, new laughter, hurdles, people being kind, asking for help, being vulnerable. It's scary. It's really scary because I immediately start to doubt myself  ~ I think I'm ready to talk about things. I went into the run this morning with the group and that was good. In the beginning I did realize that another guy from the gym he used to who I used to talk to was there he left when his wife got pregnant a little bit after all that. But DJ came and the other Laura came and in the new guy / old guy was there. And everybody was really happy to see me. And all his question that of like are they happy to see that because of the Candice thing or they happy to see me because it's me like I don't get it. I did the run/Walk and it was good I did for a little bad because I fell down a lot to the point where I thought I was going to get left and I started being really mean to myself. And then I...