still angry

Woke up too early because Nola got uncomfortable at some point this morning and I couldn't really go back to sleep. 

Then I woke up for the day and I'm still angry.

~

I'm an idiot. Maybe all of this was irrational from the start. I'm just stupid, right?

Right.

Because now I am crying through my morning routine again and I hate this so fucking much.

I just want to move away. From my family who won't leave me alone and from Candice who couldn't wait to do just that.

~

And then I feel like a fool for crying and feeling my feelings because what's the point? To what end? 

I'm the only one here. Feeling. Crying. Mentally flailing.  

~

I am not doing well today, right now. 

I just finished breakfast, annoyed by an employee who brought up and old topic we'd already discussed and she told me she handled only to ignore the existing chain and start another just to turn the tables and ask me if I was handling it. 

You mean the thing I asked you if you were handling? The thing you said you took care of? 

Fuck off, please. What the fuck is wrong with people?
 
~

But if I reply and add the original chain of email, I'm the bitch. 

~

I'm the idiot for thinking any of this was a good idea. I knew the risk and did it anyways because I thought it would be worth it. I thought it would be fine. 

And then it wasn't and now I'm on the outs because of what I did. 

I'm the idiot. I'm the sad stupid girl who fucked up everything for myself.

I did it. It's all my fault and now I'm sitting in the shitty uncomfortable consequences of my own actions by my fucking self because I'm so fucking stupid. 

~

I'm not doing CrossFit anymore because of me and my stupid fucking choices.

It's my fault. All of it is my fault.

And the most humiliating thing is I'm not sure how to ever really feel about any of it. My head is a mess right now and I just want to know who the aggressor is because my experience has trained my mind to believe there is always an aggressor. 

There is so much about that that triggers me (obviously) ten times harder than my family.

~

This is cPTSD.

This is it. This is my life. This is my brain.

And fuck those commercials (even though they're not completely wrong lol)

But this is my brain not on drugs. 

~

I let her ruin my experience. The idea of CrossFit literally hurts.

It hurts and I don't know if that's ever gonna go away. 

I may have lost one of my favorite things. 

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