she showed up

Okay. So I have been having non-feeling feelings about Candice for the last few weeks I would say. I guess since seeing Malena and doing we did more brain spotting about me being sad after I went to go spend the time at the mall with Kaylin and how all that care about so it was hard and I really don't want to talk about it and that's why I'm kind of skating around the issue right now. But that happened. And the Brain spotting was productive it was a lot of just like I don't know what the best thing is to do in those situations of do I defend their relationship I have a Candice giving how everything has turned out or do I let it play the way however people are seeing it and deal with it then. My issue is that either option sucked and neither of them made me happy but how do I honor myself in my experience in all that and the answer is to just tell my truth as hard as it is even though it may not be how Candace all things and how everything played out doesn't really reflect that feeling and emotion I have towards her. But that was where we landed and it brought up a bunch of other stuff too where it was the same idea of like does it matter what my experience is if everybody is calling it something else where is my voice in the matter am I being gas lid and my gas like myself. It was hard it sucked but we did it and I did feel better afterwards it was just a lot of stuff to say out loud that I didn't realize was trapped inside of me. So since then I haven't had a bunch of recurring thoughts about Candice I haven't felt as sad about her and that whole situation it's just felt more quiet it just felt quieter. Like I knew it was there but it wasn't coming up and I knew it hadn't gone away so I was kind of. Okay I was basically enjoying the piece while I had it and when I was doing stuff with other people it wasn't as loud when I did have trailing thoughts about her. Trailing. Natural and.. not sure I'm trying to correct all the stuff that's messing up but I'm not having a good time doing it. I'm trying to say that when I was doing stuff with other people it wasn't as disrupting to my experience in the moment it was just passing. But over the last few days I've had this issue of like her coming up and the fact that it's not being disruptive being alarming because more and more it just felt like this solid silent pressure that wasn't really a harmful but just felt like I was hitting a limit and I was a little nervous of like am I still thinking about her or had I buried it or like is it just not bothering me and should I be worried that it's just going to pop up at any given moment. Also because I don't feel anything what does that mean does that mean that maybe other people were right and I am guessing myself it was a whole hullabaloo about trying to validate what I was feeling in the moment. So what I would do was just let the doubt be loud until that became disrupting and then I would take care of that as needed because I've been trying to continue to titrate the feelings of everything that's around that experience. So yesterday on my way home after my nail appointment it hit me again if like I haven't really had disrupting thoughts about her I haven't really had many fantasies about her exy. So I got home went through the whole I had an edible I don't it's so much context I'm trying to add to make everything make sense. I have a daytime edible I have a night time edible I don't take either in the daytime and less I'm doing nothing that day and I don't have to operate vehicles or do my job blah blah. So I started taking turmeric shots for my daytime in the evening and I got away from the edible for daytime but I still had just a few more left. So I took one of those yesterday before I started doing my chores around my apartment. And I was so giddy and so happy and I was getting things done. I was definitely leaning over and I should not have been doing something like that where I knew I was like hi but it wasn't anything that made doing what I was doing more complicated it was just a thing like a side effect of the whole whatever. So after all that I decided not to take my night time cuz I was like I'm too far gone as it is it's getting later in the night I've been doing so much stuff I'm not going to have time to like feel the effects of that edible and then sleep it off so I'm just going to let it go for tonight and take one tomorrow. So I went to bed I didn't masturbate I just fell asleep but I was saying the mood to masturbate. LOL. I was doing the things that will lead to me to have a good time that night but that didn't happen cuz I passed out. And I had a dream about Candice. The dream was basically either I had joined the gym again or I signed up for like a competition there. And it's like I knew that it was a chance that she was going to be there but for some reason that didn't bother me and I thought maybe I could avoid her and it not be a thing or maybe she wouldn't be there. But for some reason I did it I don't really remember what the exact motivation was and I was there with friends and I don't remember who the friends were in the dream but I do remember that one of them was really tall and one of them might have been a little bit taller than me and while I was talking to them I saw her and she had that look on her face she has when she looks at me. It is like a sit It's a combination of Attraction longing and curiosity. And it hit me in the dream and I feel like I could feel it while I was asleep that f*** this feels real and I saw her out of the corner of my eye and I saw that look and I immediately did not give it any attention because I knew what that was going to do to me. So I started back talking to my friends and trying to ignore the fact that she was staring at me. And I don't remember what happened after that I just remembered that part of the dream. So when I woke up I was like holy s*** I kind of want to know how that was going to play out it will also I get I was thinking about her earlier in the day but I haven't had a dream about her in forever so I didn't know why that would happen and why it would happen in that way it was just hard it was very odd and sometimes I can pinpoint these because sometimes I will try to set the tone for my dream so I will dream about her or something else in general just to be specific in my dream but that didn't happen at night didn't happen at all hadn't happened in a while so it was just a very shocking experience to go to sleep and not be what the dream was about and I was like well what the f*** is this I did not conjure up this is my brain before I fell asleep so why is this happening. And I didn't really know what to do with that because it all felt real in an instant and that is part of my bigger fear with her. I was thinking okay some things make more sense now. I was thinking last night while I was high and washing dishes about artists and poetry and the fact that the whole broken hearts club and act of love being a tragedy in the way that most artists presented on paper historically and like the most predominantly well known pieces of literature. And a part of me now wonders if that is the experience they're talking about when they write about love if this is actually what love feels like when it's unrequited if this is a love that everyone is referring to and the reason that love has been documented as being this sort of tragedy is because love can be felt but still have actions that are unrequited and how do you make sense of that. Whether it be your family friends or literal people you fall in love with how do you make sense of this person loving you but not being able to do the difficult things you do to get to them how do you fathom your energy not being matched how do you fathom the connection being there but not actually being made if that makes any sense it doesn't it hit me in that moment of like this is a love that people write tragedies about the love that is real is one that is painful and will hurt you on another level if and when it is in fact unrequited. And I had a bit of something I wanted to write down but I didn't because I forgot because I was high. But I thought about it again this morning and I also can't remember cuz I didn't write down because I didn't want to be sad. Because I woke up and after I had that dream I was like okay let's try to bury that and immediately I put on my titration playlist because I was trying to like set the toe for my morning and start off kind of slow and it started playing a song that made me cry so I'm brushing my teeth and crying to music in my bathroom with the lights off and a candle going. So f****** sad lol. But productive. I just could not the more and more I think about it I'm just like that is my biggest fear but also the overwhelming longing that lies in me of seeing her again and instantly going back to that feeling of that energy being transferred in a way I've never felt before and although she could not make the hard decision in the end that energy was still match to begin with it's just that I got to a place where I was willing to do the hard stuff before her and I don't know that she ever will get there. But my fear and my longing is that we're going to feel that again if we're ever in the same room together and nothing comes of it so that is a fair side of it. I feel like I jumbled that selling point but the fear of it is that energy was real it does exist it still exist but nothing's going to come of it. The want is that energy did exist it still does exist and we're able to do the hard work I know it's going to take to get to where I think we both want to be. So it feels insane to talk about and I know my therapist would not appreciate that wording exactly but I think she would get the idea behind it. So let me just do her the justice and do me the honor of trying to pinpoint that feeling. What feels like insanity might just be also some version of this unrequited love it's heartbreak it's heartbreak it's heartbreak and the fear of disappointment is what the insanity is it's the fear of me thinking all these thoughts and theorizing all these things and none of it f****** matter because she actually doesn't feel that way at all. There's pain there's disappointments there's heartbreaking there so that's where I landed with that and here we are. She was in a dream and everything felt exactly the same as it did in real life.

~

Aaaaaaand just like that, I'm sad about Candice. 

I was on Instagram and watched Mia's story of her at the gym, with the babies, and Kaylin is holding one of them. 

So my friends are working out again without me at the gym I loved, Candice knows my friends probably know about her and she doesn't care. 

For all she knows, everyone I'm friends with knows about her and what we did.

She still feels comfortable enough to spend time with and around them, knowing it's possible that they all know she told me to quit the gym.

This makes me feel like an idiot. 

I'm gonna look at her Instagram, I don't care. 

I don't care that she probably hasn't even looked at mine since she blocked me everywhere. 

She doesn't give a solid shit about me. At all. 

I am a thing that happened and she got me to quit without raising any red flags that would risk her company's fortune. 

Maybe I was a fucking mark.

A dumb bitch that fell for a user. 

~

A loser. 

She threw me away so fucking fast and went from waiting at my feet, to following me like a puppy, to "quit if you wanna quit so fucking bad. I'm begging you. I'll actually push you there"

And yes im being mean. Yes I'm jumping to conclusions. Yes I'm beating myself up because why her? Why this? Why any of it?

To what end? To what purpose? To get me to EMDR?

You couldn't have sent me a ad, a sign, a flyer, a coupon?

I had to have my heart accepted and my needs rejected like that?

I had to be strapped with the burden of a broken?

I am destined to only have loved and lost?

~

And now I'm not sad. I'm more mad which really means I'm still a little sad. 

Love isn't real or it's real but it's never enough.

Never.

What's the point in looking if even other people who are looking aren't sure that's what they even want?

What's the fucking point?

Also, I know I'm not bipolar but I feel the mood swings around her so fucking bad.

So fucking bad.

Her saying one thing but doing another. Her drawing me in and then forcing me out. 

That has further fucked my brain into oblivion. 

I'm playing video games, I'm gonna try to not pull my fucking hair out, and I'm gonna go to bed. 

And maybe masturbate if my mood regulates back out. 

~

What is life? Fuck. 

~

This is why I don't do intimacy. Because even my own family couldn't fucking treat me right.

How the fuck could I trust a stranger if I can't trust my own fucking family?

~

Im in bed angrily journaling and playing video games and trying to reminisce about things I can't trust to have ever meant anything which breaks my heart even more.

And she's probably in bed spooning her girlfriend if she isn't between her legs licking her inside and out until she comes and I never ever pop up in her mind as a substantial event in her life. 

~

.....what is...

What is future me gonna be like? What will I have earned, given, take away?

Will I no internal peace or will I know internal peace?

~

Will I ever know the warm lips of a lover? Or will I only know the cold touch of a vibrator?

Will I ever hear myself scream in pleasure? Or will I muffle moans to a lifetime?

Will I ever be able to share a the world of knowledge, curiosity and theories that resides in my mind with someone who makes me feel safe enough to exist fully and let go wholeheartedly?

Will it just be me? All alone, in the end. Always seeking happiness but never having held it for longer than an instant.