not excited but

Here I am, dreading going to work. Still and again.

I need to put in my application for school so I know I'm working towards a concrete goal by staying on at this company.

They also decided to not close the office on both Black National Holidays where the banks are closed and they literally cannot find files or make money.

So I took both days off because fuck yall and the overlooking of celebrating the progress of Black people.

And if it's not about that, why are we closed for Presidents Day, Memorial Day, and other "inconsequential" holidays to get work done?

So I took the day off and celebrated in my own way because I am now understanding at my big age how misinformed and uneducated people actually are and how impactful that is when partnered with carless selfishness.

And they decided to close the offices at 3.

The job makes me feel crazy which is a huge red flag I only see vividly now because of my actions last week.

I refuse to let a job suck my sanity from me willingly. 

I'll leave first. 

~

I also do not want their company award or whatever the fuck.

I do not want to be honored in that way by a company that is so dysfunctional because what does that really say about how they perceive me?

My raise is shot down, I'm not "remembered" for profit share, but let us give you an award for taken on so much work. 

Would that be when Rochelle first left? Or mayeb when I had to train Jan during all of that? Or could it be when Tatum came on?

I'm unhappy and I'm not staying there forever.

I need to start my getaway plan.

~

I'm still getting dressed but I'm going to do this part voice to text because I think I finally realize what the issues recently I've been feeling manic behind my decisions because I feel more emotional that I'm used to and I feel like maybe that's part of the issue I think with the actual issue is is once I had that big cry about Candice because I could actually sit in my feelings without identifying with them I am now able to do that about other things so I am sitting in these feelings I knew I had but I never addressed because I talked them away or downplayed them and now that I'm not doing that anymore I'm more issues are popping up and they feel like they're coming out of nowhere because I've just made a point to not make them an issue and now that I'm a happy of doing that anymore. I mean I'm not in the habit of doing that anymore issues that make me feel some kind of way continually make me feel some kind of way and now I have to figure out what to do about that

~

Dylan sent this to me tonight:

I just wanna tell you, you were so kind, patient, and measured with Nancy... you're gonna make an awesome therapist

I was born to effect change. I have always felt that way but I thought I would never live to see a role for me to fill, outside of the possibility of therapy. 

Unfortunately, under this historic, idiotic, and concerning Trump Presidency, there is a role. 

Both in and out of session.

The world needs kindness, wisdom, and understanding now more than ever. 

And I am going to make sure I'm a part of effecting healthy change. 

~

I think I'm happy because I think I have finally stepped into my purpose.

I want to effect change.

I want to be a therapist, to be an artist, to be an activist, to be a friend, to be a legacy, no matter how small. 

I want that.