feeling all of everything

I feel like I should be happy.

I was angry yesterday but then I spent a nice portion of my night medicinally high and thinking that maybe I'm exaggerating. Maybe I'm overdoing it and more upset than I should be. 

And I let that thought train go until it started to feel scary. So then I shifted gears and started thinking about something else that felt more safe. 

But I was still very much irritated and over it.

Went to sleep, sleep like a baby. 

Woke up still slightly irritated.

Went to grab coffee and only ended up getting breakfast because I feel like I need to start drinking more water. I've had a recent breakout and I thought it was because of junk food because of the holiday candy but now I think it's stress. And maybe a lack of water but only one of those things is in my control so I'm trying to increase my water. 

Went to crochet and I was a little nervous because I still felt irritable. 

But everyone was happy to see me. 

I saw and hugged Dylan, Karen was there and excited to see me and we started chatting. Then while I was chatting with Dylan, Macy stopped by and slid goodies in my bag. We later talked and she told me they were edibles that were too strong for her. (Very excited about that). Then Lynette stopped by and asked for my yarn for her to untangle. 

I'm crying again. But I'll get to that shortly.

Let me poop and clean and wash my hands. I'm gonna get to my computer and do this. 

~

Ok. I am on the computer, sitting in the dark, and I just finished half-assing the post labels from the 2nd half of 2024.

And we're back.

So Lynette stopped by and asked for my yarn for her to untangle. Then she came back while I was talking to someone and had bags of yarn with her. I was like "what is happening" she handed me one ball of my yarn she'd untangled and then started talking to me about the yarn she was carrying. Then I realized she wasn't asking me what yarn I wanted, she was asking me if I wanted it. That didn't hit me until she said "ok, all of this is yours. Linda Mac didn't want it and we'd put it in the giveaway a year ago and no one took it and I don't think Julie wants to put it back. I'm gonna hang on to it and make sure you leave with it."

Then Tori came in and I haven't seen her in forever. She was sooo happy to see me, it took me aback. We've only been in shop together a handful of times and it's always fun but it's never bubbly and chatty and all the things.

I was up from hugging Dylan and then Tori came around for hugs and I got up. Once she made her rounds, she asked me for a hug and I gave her one. It was a really nice hug and she was really sweet.

Then Dylan was talking about how she loves my kitchen videos and watching me cook and bake and she's so happy for me. Which made Karen go "what, now I need to find you on Instagram"

All this to say, it was a breath of overwhelmingly fresh air.

And then I was able to share trauma laughs and a few stories with Dylan and Macy and then Karen chimed in.

And the more we all gathered, laughing and talking and all the things, the more I felt like "this is a good place for me to be"

But then a little bit of "why do these people like me" creeped in. I settled those feelings but then it turned into "why do all of these people like me so much and Candice won't even talk to me"

I couldn't settle those feelings so I shelved them.

So I really enjoyed everyone's company.

Then I went to meet Kaylin at the mall.

I asked her if she would like to mall-walk and earring shop with me and she said yes.

So I ate, we chatted and caught up, and then we began our journey lol.

And it was really fun and lots of cackling and then Candice came up.

Everyone loves to talk about it. And I get it. They've been members forever and they have never known her to act like that.

Fine.

And a part of me wants to talk about it but in my own way and on my terms to tell my story.

But I soon realized why gym talk came up-- last week was "bring a friend week". Which I knew about because the other gym people talked about it in passing. 

Kaylin talked about how she missed me and Mia and Tori and she really just decided to do a solo workout even though everything was partnered.

And right when she was about to start Ashley, Candice's girlfriend, came up to her all bubbly to ask her to workout.

That bitch has never been bubbly with me. Never.

So they did. Which hurt because I get it but also what the fuck?

First she's taking pictures with my friends and now she's working out with them.

And then apparently she's there all the fucking time (which I figured would happen) so maybe she did finally move here.

And what got me was Kaylin said since Matty is gone, Candice has been routinely asking her about her ankle. Which has been healed for a long fucking time. That's why we would joke about Matty asking because the injury has healed and she's been cleared months before I even quit.

So it just brought up a lot of feelings and it was a little rough and, while I enjoy talking about what happened with us, no one seems to take into account my feelings about what happened. They just cloud my experience with what they think they know and go from there.

It's unintentionally dismissive.

I am in love with this girl that somehow everyone has deemed "shitty".

I am still in love with her and still hurting and still grieving. It's really really hard.

And it seems like the more I run away from that, the harder it becomes. Meeting people that love me enough to give me free yarn they don't want, give me edibles they don't want, invite me in their homes, want to hang out with me.

Lacey invited me to a Powerpoint Party she's having and fuck I really want to go but I have a symphony that night.

And it all just reminds me of the biggest, most painful rejection I have ever experienced and my worst fear is, while everyone is so easily dismissive of my experience, this pain will never go away.

I'm never gonna see her again, I'll never run into her, I'll never talk to her again. Ever.

All of this could go away and I don't know if it will ever hurt me the way Candice did.

And with the gym photo, and working out with Kaylin, and Jordan also mentioned that a group of them went to the country bar after the gym party and I am scared that Ashley was there.

I am scared that, in her mind, I tried to take her girlfriend and now she is deadset on taking my friends.

That girl has never been to a gym party that I was at. And when she was around, I would not describe her as bubbly nor approachable and I have never seen her just walk up to anyone and be conversational. 

And maybe I deserve that but I don't feel like I do.

You got the girl, Ashley. You get Candice. You get to see her, spend time with her, fuck her, kiss her, build a life with her.

Can you leave me my fucking friends? It's literally all I fucking have.

I literally held it together for the last hour with Kaylin enough to get in my car, get on the highway and start bawling. Then I get upstairs to my apartment only to do the same thing.

I really don't want to suffer this year as much as I did last year.

I'm tired and I'm hurt and I am by my fucking self.

I need a break. I just need a break.

But what do I know, really? Right?! Right?

Maybe I am what people think: someone for Candice to fuck over, a friend to pity.

And it'd be different if Candice was in a long line of people who have seen, heard, and valued me.

But she is not. She is, quite literally, the first. To know my shitty stuff, to register and compute what I have to say.

And I am quite certain I am that to her.

But there is literally nothing I can do about that. Nothing.

And no matter how much I put myself out there, how much swiping I do, nothing is working.

No one shows actual romantic interest in me.

I don't get it. I don't understand what about me is so loveable yet so unattractive.

It is one of the main reasons it's easy for me to convince myself that I am ugly.

Because I don't understand what's so bad about me.