digital art trauma

I have trauma surrounding my art.

I've been procrastinating getting on my computer, blaming it on the potential that it will make my light bill high. 

I finally set down at the computer to art today and started frantically pulling my hair out and I couldn't stop. 

Which sound alarming, I know. I know. 

I couldn't figure out what was causing it. 

I thought maybe it was because I was nervous about posting this political art, maybe I was never about it the concept will be good. 

But I didn't care about either of those things. So I just kept getting up. I even go tweezers at one point because I thought maybe I was just trying to pull a specific hair. 

And it hit me-- I'm scared. 

So I thought I was scared of.... ohmygah ohmygah.

I thought I was scared of a ghost or a murderer but I immediately was like "I'm grown lol. Ain't no way"

And then I thought about closing the door and it hit me again. 

I don't have to do that. I live by myself, I don't have to keep anybody out. 

Then, it hit me. I used to shut the door to keep my family out of my space. So I could escape my sisters and my mom. And dad I guess? I don't fucking know. 

Then it hit me again lol. I remembered how I told my therapist I was scared of like monsters at the last house. And I explained to her that it's not really monsters but it's my mother. In my head, I'm scared my mother is the monster coming around and the corner.

I don't feel that way at Andrea's house. Or at Maddy's house. Or even when I was at the Hobbit House by myself and the other house from the year before.

I think the monster I've been scared of is my mother. My fear as a kid of her and movie monsters has morphed into a intersection I never saw coming. 

I was listening to my book in a headphone because IDK how I feel about playing smut out loud. Then I checked what I was doing, making art on my computer. And then I thought about the last time I was doing that. 

And it was when I was in my room, with the door closed, on the computer with both headphones in trying to block out my family. 

My mother, specifically. 

It's why I don't want to help my sisters. Because I'm scared they'll drag me back to her, kicking and screaming. Or worse...? I'll help them get away from her and she'll come after me.

My mother is my monster.

Yall I am scared. 

I'm also high but I'm fully aware of what I'm saying and it's true. 

Creating art on my computer and maybe even finishing my canvases are triggering me. 

I think that's the subconscious reason I've been putting both things off.  

So I'm gonna try and reprocess the trigger. 

First, I'm gonna start with playing sex music out loud. I could never do that at home so maybe my brain will register that I'm in a safe space and focus on how soothing the vibes are. 

And I am gonna close my door. I'll finish washing and drying later.

~

I added two things to my candy bowl trauma trend and ohmygah.

This one gave me new memories:

My mom used to religiously forget to pick me up from school. Teachers used to wait outside with me to see if my mom would remember to come and get her fucking child. I used to be so embarrassed calling her on the office phone while the staff judged me being the last child to leave because my mom couldn't remember to get me. And the older I got, it became me and my sister. I'm just now remembering this. There were days she would finally come to get us and as soon as we pulled off the began turning off the final lights in school.

As I was writing that. I began being able to see inside my elementary school. 

The music room where we learned clarinet. The hallways were like Columbia blue and navy floor tiles? I can see walking in the double doors and the office to the left, a short hallway where a set of bathrooms was that led to the gym. I can see it. And one point they lined the entire floor with brown paper. 

I'm also remembering how mean I was to my younger sister because of my own trauma. I think I resented her a little bit because she was just another reminder that I didn't fit in with my family. At that time I was the only one that looked different and I already acted differently and when she came along it just put more focus on the fact that I didn't fit in. 

Fuck. Oh no. 

I know we've reconciled since then and fell out for a different reason but ohmygah how terrible they must've been for her. 

I did to her the same thing my older sister did to me.