crackked

I cracked today at work. The weather of that office has not been ideal for a while now. And I am in my diary writing about it because I'm trying to cover all my bases process how I'm feeling and also plan for the future on how to best deal with stuff like this. Because if I'm going to be at this company and things are going to continue to go the way they are going, I'm going to probably run into this issue again I'm going to be realistic. So here's what happened. We had what looks like a new charge on the AmEx so we did the investigation we normally would do and a perfect storm of confusion led to me calling out that confusion in an email and then directing people on how to fix things moving forward. And all those still handle well because I have a temperament of I understand that I could still be wrong things were handled well. But it turns out it wasn't suspicious activity it was a real purchase a person that we've been making for a long time because I have the book set up it doesn't show up the way that it normally would somewhere else. So that helped create the rest of everything else that happened today and took up my entire morning. Andrea crying upset about other stuff talking about all the other stuff looking up stuff it's just a whole hot mess Express. And although I have a really good temperament I do not have no. It's not that I don't have anything. I have a really good temperament I get to feel my feelings and I handled things in the best way giving the information I had on hand. I wasn't mean but I was direct and I wasn't assertive nor aggressive. But I don't think with my mental state being what it is that this company is going to be the best for me long-term if they continue to work the way they do well everybody just f****** drive the way they're supposed to so I have to do this confusing ass s*** on Friday please. As you can see I'm still on edge. I don't think my mental state and the things that I am regulating within myself on a daily basis work well in this kind of environment where the organization is not structured in a healthy manner. This is not going to be good for me why am I being tested on today why I don't know what the f*** is going on today I'm not a fan I'm really not I'm really not. I don't think this is going to work for me long term and I even told Andrea when she was taking my temperature this week or elastic whenever that was that I have these moments and I am upset and I do drag coming into work very often and I am very good about before I make a judgment call and act on it cuz I told her even though I've been feeling this way I've also continue to check in with myself to make sure this isn't inflated based on my own issues and this is actually very well vali

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Okay I had to pick up groceries really quick. But but I'm trying to convey in the best way possible is that before this happened either this week or last week Andrea was asking what she has been checking in frequently of like are you happy are you trading company. So I told her I told her I was ready coming into work and then why I was ready to come in to work also said while I feel all these things and I'm telling you all this I also know what lies in me and all the things that I need to check in on when these things are coming up to make sure this is valid based on what's happening and not what I think is happening. And there is the issue today of the perfect storm. Because when I was doing what I my due diligence I made a mistake and missing a date for the year of something because of years new I thought it said what I was looking for the thing that I found I thought was the thing I was looking for so I thought what am I. Okay I cannot do this without saying what happened so I'm just going to do what happened. I was looking for a specific expensive when I looked in the books it looked new because I only saw one charge but I forgot that we do their Amex definitely they were used to and the other years went showing up the way they should have in theory. So when I was doing my due diligence I saw what I thought I should have seen which was we only have one purchase the entire time this office has been open in regards to the subscription service so in finding that I went through those steps of talking to people to see if this chart is valid are we sure about that do we have a receipt just so I can make sure and because talking to Chandler always leads to instead of an email let me call you I'm working right now so then there's an email saying so-and-so should know about it they told us about it so I'm like great thanks for that I'm going to go to sell and so I go to so-and-so ask him about it they said they don't know what that is I'm like great this office is good about turning in receipts and stuff so I don't understand I will get here so this must not be valid but nobody saying it's not valid you're saying they don't know what it is so I'm searching and trying to figure stuff out with people who aren't really cooperating with said search because it all just feels based on the responses I'm getting that something's not right because I can't cooperate their story based on what I saw and they're not cooperating the story so something is either wrong and this is fraud or something is wrong because why are we lying about software. So we spiral out for a good bit but also put my head back on and typing this email. That's just a lot of there is a lot of valid spiraling that happened during that situation. And we let it happen because it's best to just feel those feelings. When the time came and there was going to be action out of emotion I stopped it so that didn't happen. I took on responsibility since it was my task of let me just address things as they are and move forward from here because obviously the charge is valid whether or not it's been valid long-term it's valid so let's just address this issue and then move on and that's what I did. The only thing I feel bad about is the fact that I made a mistake and I'm glad that's why I'm journaling all these feelings out because it's making me feel better. I made a mistake in not going through the motions that it takes for the specific account regarding their Amex. Instead of just checking the books I should have checked each statement but I didn't because we also just had an audit so I thought if it wasn't on the audit somebody's line so it was a perfect storm of me not seeing exactly what I thought I saw but the best part is I still handle it the way I normally handled things which is I could be wrong but here's what we need to address to figure out. Which I'm okay with and even if I have to eat s*** I'm also okay with that. I'm mad at myself because I let not not necessarily fear but I think a little bit but I just don't there's another way that I'm looking for that's not fear that has the same connotation in a sense. I let the poor handling of something by someone else affect the way that I thoroughly do my job. And that's what upsets me. Because I let logic partially go. Not even that I don't want to I'm trying to express myself in a way that doesn't just to I'm crazy and I f****** knew it and all the people were wrong. Because that's my go-to when I get in this way. I am mad because I didn't do my due diligence the way I normally would and coming through everything. Because I'm busy, because the people who are put higher up to help support the company don't seem to support us, because of their track record and because of my workload I feel like I miss doing something that could have alleviated the entire issue and that's on me that's my responsibility that's my part and I fail to do that that's what makes me mad. And that's really it I'm just mad because I feel like if I just did that the rest of this could have been avoided would it come up somewhere else sure down the line and that's I just wish it hadn't happened even though I handled it okay and everything is fine I wish I'd done better I'm just disappointed in myself and looking into it the way I should have. Because looking back there were other flags of I should have quadrable triple checked what I was looking for and didn't and that's my fault. And that's why I'm not mad and that's why I would eat s*** not mad in the sense of like I'm pissed at them although I still am a little bit because that added to the confusion already had I'm not completely mad at them and I know it's not completely their fault and I share my part in what happened so I'm mad at myself because of what feels like my negligence led to all of these things that derailed my day. Although it's a share responsibility I feel like I take the brunt of that because it's something I did. And I have been on edge and I danced my period today and I have been managing my emotions and like making sure I am checking in with myself and I know I'm frustrated and I know I'm feeling like I'm about to hit a wall and I've been doing really good about that and even today I feel like I can give myself the credit of things not going as bad as they could have because I was still able to basically do that so on what it's it's a very confusing experience because on one hand I do get myself credit for not letting things get out of hand but on the other hand girl if you had just you being me LOL if you had just gone through the motions of double-checking triple checking looking at everything the way I normally would. But then self-doubt creeps in now I feel like I'm crazy and all these things and an invalidates me and invalidates my experience and it invalidates everything that comes with it. Because in talking about frustration Andrew wasn't going to tell me but ended up telling me that cuz I told her I'm not coming to the company award ceremony I decided that weeks ago last week week before I don't know but it's been a minute so I wasn't going to go to that to begin with because of the whole working on black history days that are important but in the banks are closed cuz what the f*** we be doing that for just among everything the culture of the work situation right now and that on top of it and me just not being happy I wasn't going to go to that event because I don't think it's a good space for me to be in where everybody's having fun and I know I wouldn't be because I just be upset so there's no point in me going to that. But you told me after I told her that that I was going to be up for a company-wide award and I was like that's great I'm not going still not going to be there because they know how much work I've taken on I took on this work when Rochelle left and they didn't give me a raise under your brought that up I and it still wasn't a lot of money like it was good great wonderful but I took on the workload of somebody who left who was fully trained I'm untrained I did that job not perfectly but on paper better than she did and to say I don't know what I was supposed to do and what I should have been doing all these things I handled it really really well a while I'm at you making the kind of money she was making I feel like I should have been really f****** close because I was doing the same job she was doing. And now the fact that somebody in theory we have an extra person in this apartment so I'm managing her sometimes and then I'm also managing Jan sometimes and then anytime Audrey needs anything for me that's like part of the job answering those questions LOL but there is a lot I do and I have to take it on the workload but if you want to show me you appreciate me pay me for the work that I do I work for eight locations for two companies and I'm getting paid less than I would if I did this at one office for one company. So you want to show me appreciate me give me a nice big fat jumbo raise but even that won't be enough because I just don't think I'm happy and I've been trying to be aware of like me looking for issues just to get out of things and I have been since I realized I was coming up on the 5 year mark at this job but this is also the more I think about it the second time I'm going to quit because of the way they do things in theory. And actually no not in theory actuality. Because at the time I didn't know how they felt about her but I knew how I felt about her and that was affecting again my ability to do my job okay all this making more I'm really glad that I'm writing this. Because Britney told me in my last session with her when I was ugly crying that it's been proven that people who the more people say how they're feeling and process their emotions out loud the more productive they are at it. And I see it it's like I know that that's a fact because b****** happening to me lol. And I'm feeling better already you know there's a little bit of guilt still I still feel better than I did leaving the office. Because the first time I want to leave I was having issues Rochelle Rochelle and it was affecting my ability to do my job. And these issues have been coming up and nothing about this company even though I was new said that those issues would be prioritized and my plan was to just ask for bring up the issues ask for a raise and they're not going to do anything about either one so I'm just going to quit I'm just going to find another job and then quit. I kept feeling like these two things were different between then and now but they actually aren't I just didn't know it back then. Because back then what I didn't know was they didn't like Rochelle she wasn't doing a good job but they also work done a really fire her and it got into a point where Andrea said she thought it might have happened but at the rate that this company goes I don't know that it would have it's just so happened that she left before anything could happen so not unfounded but a little unproven if that makes sense because they didn't get a chance to act on anything. But I don't know I feel like I'm getting there again because it's affecting my ability to do my job and I've never had this issue here before except for with Rochelle there was affecting my ability to do my job and it was an Amex issue last time it came up too and I think that's why it's extra triggering on top of everything else. God I'm glad that I talked about this cuz now I feel a little bit better and I feel like I can read and like function so I don't feel as insane than I did felt like a crazy person and I don't like that feeling because I know I'm not crazy and even though saying that out loud and it's hard to believe I know that to be true. And it is the worst feeling to feel and that's what I know something is wrong and I said it today because I was like it feels like a dream I don't get it. But now it makes sense so in the future when things made me feel that way I'm just not I'm hands off in it I'm passing the book and I'm not going to do it and I really wish that they were more on top of taking care of things in a way that was conducive to the health of the company as a whole in the way that we each interact with each other and the way that we I don't know just I wish things were more constructed than they seem to be. Because I don't want to have to second guess everything I do I don't want to have to work around a bunch of people all the time I don't want to have to self gaslight myself in and out of different situations I just want to go to work and do my job and be helpful and be paid a fair wage for the amount of work that I do. I'm not saying I want a perfect job I understand things don't always go the way they should I understand people have a mind of their own they do whatever they want to do what I do want is people who actually try even when things get hard to take care of each other. A problem solving something that's in place and actually in use when is come up I want to work somewhere I want to just be a therapist I want to be therapist and I know every job market is not the same and problems change they don't go away I want to be a therapist because at least going to that job I'll be going and I'll have a lot like I don't have the confidence to make the choices I want to make right now in the position I'm in. And with being a therapist and the amount of work that goes into that and the people I'm surrounding myself with now it is just more and more pushing me into that space I am friends with a handful of professors and a few of those people in that professor group are doctors and it is making me long for the life I wanted to build myself initially when I had the chance and maybe that eggs is also present when I'm going into work and all the things but I am feeling it more. I feel like I'm more in a space of I'm not happy because not only is this not what I want to do I'm already doing the thing that I'm not willing to spend the rest of my life doing it on top of that dealing with the s*** that comes with it and that makes it even less appealing than it was already. And before I was great it wasn't perfect we still have problems problems got dealt with weed to give a little Kiki or a little here's how we need to do these moving before and then we'll move on I feel like I led the witch Hunt today and there was no witch The witches me and that makes me feel crazy. And I don't think this job is good for me so I'm going to do the things that it takes to start school and work towards the degree that I actually want and then go from there all I need is a starting Grace right I just don't want to feel like this anymore I really don't I want today to be the last time it gets this far not on paper but in person in front of laundry and Tatum and although that is food meat when I get upset I feel like it was on warranted and now I'm embarrassed but I'm just going to try to do better and then just see what happens because oh my God disgusting didn't like it at all.

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And now I'm crying. 

We ended up hanging out at Dylan's and I could feel myself start to actually relax. And it felt good but also made me sad. But also sleepy which means I'm tired but also felt comfortable enough to fall asleep there. 

I also got my light bill estimate and it's a little higher than last month. But I have been turning the air up and down, so I'm gonna stop doing that. 

And then my mom sent me $50. 

Which made me start self gaslighting which made me start self gaslighting about today, and Candice, about Brittany's party tomorrow.

And then she's literally texting me. 

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My head just feels like it's not mine right now. 

I'm gonna Google a little bit to see... She's inviting me out. 

I don't feel like I should, so I want. 

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I have apparently been thinking of mania incorrectly. I thought manic meant like a "crazy episode". Turns out, it doesn't. It's like extreme "I'm on top of the world energy"

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...ok wait. May have spoke too soon.