what living looks like

My car sounded so decrepit when I started it this morning. To be fair, it is like 20° outside and will be below freezing all week. Also, still can't believe I woke up to cry for hours off and on the other day. I haven't done that since the Candice stuff was still fresh.  Also, in my first step towards taking care of myself, I have put in PTO for each federal Black Holiday our office is not closed for (even though we need banks to be open when we work and they will be closed). And I've put in PTO for my birthday and a few appointments I have coming up.  My goal is to use the tools I have to take care of myself the best way I know how. This world is selfish, this company is selfish, and it's high time I be selfish in the healthiest ways possible. So here I go.

I'm trying to fall asleep but I can't. I fell asleep in my chair and woke up around 1an.  And I got in bed, got cozy, and started feeling sad so I closed my eyes after I shut down all the things.  And all I can see is her during our last in person interaction.  Where she worked out next to me and I let it happen because she was keeping to herself.  That's a lie. She wasn't.  I'd been trying to ignore her but she'd kept trying to find small ways to get my attention.  And finally, right before part of our workout, she waited until my back was turned and asked me how I was doing.  The very thing I specifically asked her not to do. The very thing I told her confused me because it makes me feel like she's interested, she did. She purposely did that and she knew what she was saying and what that meant to me.  And she did it anyway.  And now I'm being haunted by what we shared, what she refused to let go of, what she forced me to do.  I know sh...

I feel like I should be happy. I was angry yesterday but then I spent a nice portion of my night medicinally high and thinking that maybe I'm exaggerating. Maybe I'm overdoing it and more upset than I should be.  And I let that thought train go until it started to feel scary. So then I shifted gears and started thinking about something else that felt more safe.  But I was still very much irritated and over it. Went to sleep, sleep like a baby.  Woke up still slightly irritated. Went to grab coffee and only ended up getting breakfast because I feel like I need to start drinking more water. I've had a recent breakout and I thought it was because of junk food because of the holiday candy but now I think it's stress. And maybe a lack of water but only one of those things is in my control so I'm trying to increase my water.  Went to crochet and I was a little nervous because I still felt irritable.  But everyone was happy to see me.  I saw and hugged Dylan, Kare...

I'm over it.  I am underpaid for the amount of work I do and I am tired of feeling less than for doing what I'm supposed to do. I'm tired of the shit that is condoned and the shit that is dealt out.  I'm tired of being unprotected and unappreciated because I don't "produce". If I don't "produce" and that's how you decide who gets what kind of treatment, attention, help, and pay, fuck it. If I am not appreciated simply because my work product doesn't directly make you money, I'll just have to find somewhere that doesn't have such short sighted appreciation. Also-- don't want to go somewhere fucking employee appreciation event that's ran by mean girls who get glitz and glory and no consequences for their actions.  I'm not gonna make an emotional decision but I am gonna do what's best for me. I want to pursue my dream. I want to take care of myself. I am my own safe space and it's my job to maintain boundaries...