what living looks like

I'm very much in love with Candice.  The more i learn who I am and the more I realize what Candice saw in me, what she gave me, the more I love her. And I miss her so much. And I'm not sad but I am a little lol. I wish we could choose each other. I chose myself. I hope she finds her way. Even if she chooses herself she deserves to know peace in herself. I'll just long to experience that version of her and miss the version I had.  I wish alot of things for lots of reasons.   I don't know that I will ever not.  ~ She saw all of me.  My embarrassment, my fear, my shame, my internal struggles, my worry. My care, my kindness, my curiosity, my art, my quiet, my humor, my hiding, my duality, my reading, my awkwardness. And she persisted. She did everything she could to be near me, see me, talk to me, wait for me. She pursued me even when I tried to push her away. And I never really wanted to push her away. I just didn't want to share her. 

I had a nightmare.  First it started as a dream. I was in church somewhere and Libby showed up. Then she started talking about the gym and it started to feel like I may see Candice and I got nervous then worried.  And then I heard her. And I could feel her standing far away but behind me, waiting for me to turn around. She was watching me. So I did everything I could to prevent her from seeing my face.  But eventually I started teasing her with my side profile because sneaking away.  But then I was immediately in my church. My old church. Both my parents were together and I only know that because they were sitting on the first row when I opened the side door, and immediately tried talking to me.  So I shut the door and before I could literally run away, I started having a panic attack.  I slowed my escape to catch my breath and Sister King showed up. I thought she was gonna berate me, but she didn't. She was basically supporting me and saying how complicate...

I have trauma surrounding my art. I've been procrastinating getting on my computer, blaming it on the potential that it will make my light bill high.  I finally set down at the computer to art today and started frantically pulling my hair out and I couldn't stop.  Which sound alarming, I know. I know.  I couldn't figure out what was causing it.  I thought maybe it was because I was nervous about posting this political art, maybe I was never about it the concept will be good.  But I didn't care about either of those things. So I just kept getting up. I even go tweezers at one point because I thought maybe I was just trying to pull a specific hair.  And it hit me-- I'm scared.  So I thought I was scared of.... ohmygah ohmygah. I thought I was scared of a ghost or a murderer but I immediately was like "I'm grown lol. Ain't no way" And then I thought about closing the door and it hit me again.  I don't have to do that. I live by myself, I don't...

I don't remember what my dream was about but I do remember Candice being there and me being happy until I realized her girlfriend was right behind her.  They were basically attached at the hip and I had either an interaction with or a vibe from Candice that made me feel like a second class citizen and like she was telling me to outright leave her alone, as if I was stalking her.  It hurt my feelings. There was no misplaced anger. I was just sad. 

Here I am, dreading going to work. Still and again. I need to put in my application for school so I know I'm working towards a concrete goal by staying on at this company. They also decided to not close the office on both Black National Holidays where the banks are closed and they literally cannot find files or make money. So I took both days off because fuck yall and the overlooking of celebrating the progress of Black people. And if it's not about that, why are we closed for Presidents Day, Memorial Day, and other "inconsequential" holidays to get work done? So I took the day off and celebrated in my own way because I am now understanding at my big age how misinformed and uneducated people actually are and how impactful that is when partnered with carless selfishness. And they decided to close the offices at 3. The job makes me feel crazy which is a huge red flag I only see vividly now because of my actions last week. I refuse to let a job suck my sanity from me wil...

I cracked today at work. The weather of that office has not been ideal for a while now. And I am in my diary writing about it because I'm trying to cover all my bases process how I'm feeling and also plan for the future on how to best deal with stuff like this. Because if I'm going to be at this company and things are going to continue to go the way they are going, I'm going to probably run into this issue again I'm going to be realistic. So here's what happened. We had what looks like a new charge on the AmEx so we did the investigation we normally would do and a perfect storm of confusion led to me calling out that confusion in an email and then directing people on how to fix things moving forward. And all those still handle well because I have a temperament of I understand that I could still be wrong things were handled well. But it turns out it wasn't suspicious activity it was a real purchase a person that we've been making for a long time because I...

I saw a tweet tonight that says "Some people aren't speaking to you because they owe you an apology" You mother fucking right. 

Woke up too early because Nola got uncomfortable at some point this morning and I couldn't really go back to sleep.  Then I woke up for the day and I'm still angry. ~ I'm an idiot. Maybe all of this was irrational from the start. I'm just stupid, right? Right. Because now I am crying through my morning routine again and I hate this so fucking much. I just want to move away. From my family who won't leave me alone and from Candice who couldn't wait to do just that. ~ And then I feel like a fool for crying and feeling my feelings because what's the point? To what end?  I'm the only one here. Feeling. Crying. Mentally flailing.   ~ I am not doing well today, right now.  I just finished breakfast, annoyed by an employee who brought up and old topic we'd already discussed and she told me she handled only to ignore the existing chain and start another just to turn the tables and ask me if I was handling it.  You mean the thing I asked you if you were handl...

Okay. So I have been having non-feeling feelings about Candice for the last few weeks I would say. I guess since seeing Malena and doing we did more brain spotting about me being sad after I went to go spend the time at the mall with Kaylin and how all that care about so it was hard and I really don't want to talk about it and that's why I'm kind of skating around the issue right now. But that happened. And the Brain spotting was productive it was a lot of just like I don't know what the best thing is to do in those situations of do I defend their relationship I have a Candice giving how everything has turned out or do I let it play the way however people are seeing it and deal with it then. My issue is that either option sucked and neither of them made me happy but how do I honor myself in my experience in all that and the answer is to just tell my truth as hard as it is even though it may not be how Candace all things and how everything played out doesn't really r...

I've been having a hard time getting out of bed for work.  I don't want to. I don't want to go there. 

My car sounded so decrepit when I started it this morning. To be fair, it is like 20° outside and will be below freezing all week. Also, still can't believe I woke up to cry for hours off and on the other day. I haven't done that since the Candice stuff was still fresh.  Also, in my first step towards taking care of myself, I have put in PTO for each federal Black Holiday our office is not closed for (even though we need banks to be open when we work and they will be closed). And I've put in PTO for my birthday and a few appointments I have coming up.  My goal is to use the tools I have to take care of myself the best way I know how. This world is selfish, this company is selfish, and it's high time I be selfish in the healthiest ways possible. So here I go.

I'm trying to fall asleep but I can't. I fell asleep in my chair and woke up around 1an.  And I got in bed, got cozy, and started feeling sad so I closed my eyes after I shut down all the things.  And all I can see is her during our last in person interaction.  Where she worked out next to me and I let it happen because she was keeping to herself.  That's a lie. She wasn't.  I'd been trying to ignore her but she'd kept trying to find small ways to get my attention.  And finally, right before part of our workout, she waited until my back was turned and asked me how I was doing.  The very thing I specifically asked her not to do. The very thing I told her confused me because it makes me feel like she's interested, she did. She purposely did that and she knew what she was saying and what that meant to me.  And she did it anyway.  And now I'm being haunted by what we shared, what she refused to let go of, what she forced me to do.  I know sh...

I feel like I should be happy. I was angry yesterday but then I spent a nice portion of my night medicinally high and thinking that maybe I'm exaggerating. Maybe I'm overdoing it and more upset than I should be.  And I let that thought train go until it started to feel scary. So then I shifted gears and started thinking about something else that felt more safe.  But I was still very much irritated and over it. Went to sleep, sleep like a baby.  Woke up still slightly irritated. Went to grab coffee and only ended up getting breakfast because I feel like I need to start drinking more water. I've had a recent breakout and I thought it was because of junk food because of the holiday candy but now I think it's stress. And maybe a lack of water but only one of those things is in my control so I'm trying to increase my water.  Went to crochet and I was a little nervous because I still felt irritable.  But everyone was happy to see me.  I saw and hugged Dylan, Kare...

I'm over it.  I am underpaid for the amount of work I do and I am tired of feeling less than for doing what I'm supposed to do. I'm tired of the shit that is condoned and the shit that is dealt out.  I'm tired of being unprotected and unappreciated because I don't "produce". If I don't "produce" and that's how you decide who gets what kind of treatment, attention, help, and pay, fuck it. If I am not appreciated simply because my work product doesn't directly make you money, I'll just have to find somewhere that doesn't have such short sighted appreciation. Also-- don't want to go somewhere fucking employee appreciation event that's ran by mean girls who get glitz and glory and no consequences for their actions.  I'm not gonna make an emotional decision but I am gonna do what's best for me. I want to pursue my dream. I want to take care of myself. I am my own safe space and it's my job to maintain boundaries...