thoughts

What if I am an idiot. I'm having a moment bear with me. I just don't know I know everybody has their opinion on how things work and how things should go including me I don't know everything as much as I think I know everything but I am also having a hard time and as I'm writing this I pass by a car that looks exactly like penis is very white woman is driving. It looks exactly like Kansas car it's a Mazda it's blue and there's a white lady driving it. I have a handful of french fries and I am driving and doing voice to text in my journal about her. How am I not supposed to do things like that or a sign or they mean something. Cuz it looks like it's a f****** sign and it means something. And I don't know how to navigate like I don't know what I'm doing it's hard and it's different I don't know what happens. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I feel like my therapist will tell me to do it feels right just take care of myself. What am I supposed to do. Because I feel like if we were okay we'd be great together. And I'm doing better I feel like I'm moving back towards okay I don't know about her I don't know I don't know if that's what she wants. I just wish so badly that things were different between us and things could work out I know I want that I don't know that she wants that I don't even know that she necessarily wanted me or if I was just there when the time called for it I was convenient maybe. Because how can someone who means so much to me possibly think that I'm a convenience. Is that I don't want to accept that. But in being kind to my brain and myself I can't throw myself in the trash. That's not my place. All I can do is what I can do. There's nothing I can get from her like I don't know I don't know I do trust her and all these things but what does that mean if there's nothing there there's nothing happening nothing is changing. I don't understand. I'm very uncertain. Is it coming from nowhere this is not coming from nowhere. I just don't really want to talk about where it came from just of it is LOL just of it is LOL I'm trying to say the gist but it's not picking up okay so the gist of it is is last night we went bar hopping and when it got food and dinner on all these things and all the people like me yada yada yada and they're always talking about CrossFit yada yada yada every minute at one of the bars here and she had friends and one of her friends ask me about also do CrossFit and I was kind of telling her without telling her that I quit because of some things that I couldn't manage. Like things just didn't work out so they hang up and it's just like oh that seems interesting I'm like yeah it is and she's like that's really sad I was like yeah it is I'm trying not to cry kind of to say too much because I feel like people are in Kansas or not friends but friendly. So it's just like I cannot be well I said more but the voice text didn't pick it up and I really don't feel like getting back into it. So I'm done right now. I go drop off my groceries maybe put some things up and then go to Felicia's house and decorate gingerbread houses.