tears for christmas

Ive been seeing Mazdas everywhere, and thinking that maybe that meant Candice was getting closer. 

She hadn't posted anything in a while and I was processing my feelings and thinking that maaaaaaybe MAYBE we would come together.

And the lady with the last name that matches hers popping up on my Facebook? I thought maybe that was destiny. Maybe she was telling someone that she was in love with me and all these things.

Maybe because it's Christmas, we'd share another moment. A text, a surprise, a stop by. 

I'm not getting that. I'm not getting her. 

There is no us. There won't ever be an us. 

And maybe she just told that girl with her last name about a crazy bitch that tried to ruin her relationship and ruin her success.

I mean nothing to her. We don't want the same thing. She doesn't want me.

I am just another girl down the line of many that scratch whatever fucked up itch she refuses to address. 

~

So I just blocked her too. 

Candice is still with her girlfriend. Of course. Eyeroll eyeroll eyeroll. 

And I'm an idiot that fell in love with a bigger idiot and now I'm left to wonder for the rest of my life about what happened, how she feels, what shit she talked about me in order to keep her relationship. 

She's soooo happy and I'm soooo fucked and I want to move on. 

I want to give up on her. I want to beat myself up about her. I want to scream. I want to drown. 

I want to fight her.

I want to know. 

But what's there to know? What is there to fucking know right?

Even if she told me, would I believe it? Could I believe it?

How big is it? How big is the bus she abandoned me for to get behind the wheel and run me over?

How much of those hypothetical tears were ever about me? Maybe they were about me and not over me. 

And I'm torturing myself with butterflies I invented, fantasies of a happy life that I conjured up, dreams of "one days". 

There is no dream. No fantasy. No butterflies. 

My life is shit. Not all of it. 

But my family is shit. My love life is painful shit.

....how does that make me shit?

I did this. All of my shit is me. My doing. 

My actions belong to me and I have never been so fucking destroyed. 

~

I was really hoping I wouldn't hurt my own feelings this year but here I am.

~

Maybe I actually will be alone forever. 

Maybe I am cursed to be born into a family that prefers comfort and appearance of love then actual healthy love. 

Maybe I am cursed to experience intimacy only for it to blow up in my face and destroy me from the inside out. 

Maybe this is as good as it gets. 

Just me. To have a life full of friends and never get to experience love reciprocated. 

To live a life full of only my love and what I can give myself.

The irony of choosing isolation for safety only to open myself and forced back into isolation as a result. 

~

Candice blocked me because she doesn't want to see me or hear from me or anything. 

She wants nothing, nothing to do with me. 

I told her I didn't want to see her happy with her girlfriend and asked her to block me. So she did. Because she wants to be happy with her. 

She's gonna be happy with her. 

~

I am all alone, just like I always wanted. Like I always imagined.

But I don't want to be alone anymore and that's because of Candice. 

~

Fuck it. Fuck today. Fuck this year. Fuck my mother for fucking up my brain. Fuck my dad for not even actively participating in my life but still being present enough to fuck up my life. 

I am so fucked. 

Fucked. 

Fucked. 

I'm a thirty year old virgin damn near. And on my way to forty and then fifty and then sixty. 

Fucked. 

~

She used me to get what she needed to "figure out her relationship" and seems to be doing JUST fine. 

She doesn't need me. Never did. Probably never even wanted me. Just wanted to use me and then got me to go away. 

And now I'm gonna get drunk on Christmas Eve, by myself and crochet. Because what else is a sad, stupid stupid girl to do on Christmas Eve except throw a pity party and crochet like an old stupid sad lonely bitch. 

~

Things Candice has probably told her girlfriend and/or other people about me:

"She was nobody. She tried to come on to me and I told her no. She wouldn't stop hitting on me. She wouldn't leave me alone. She doesn't mean anything to me. She just pretends to be all those things she's just sad and lonely. She's all talk. She's all for show. She doesn't actually practice any of what she preaches. She's a terrible people that did a terrible thing. She tried to ruin my life and my relationship with lies. She's just a sad liar. She's a terrible person that pretends to be something else. That's why she quit the gym because I threatened to expose her."

She gaslit me for her own protection. For looks. 

She prefers I look like the idiot, the sad lover. 

The villain. 

I'm the villain in the stories she tells. 

Me. 

~

Fuck her. 

You snooze you lose. I deserve someone better.

I deserve someone who can and will meet me where I'm at. 

I deserve more. 

Fuck her for fucking with me.

I deserve to have my ass eaten on a balcony (podcast reference lol).

I deserve to be happier than I was with her. I deserve to be safer than I was with her. 

It is very clear that she cannot give me what I want and need and does not want to give me what I want and need. 

She didn't treat me any differently than she probably treats her girlfriend. I was just next up on the victim train. And I walked right into her. 

Like a fucking idiot I gave her my heart and watched her crush it in my face and casually leave me behind. 

Fuck her. 

~

She couldn't even talk to me when it was all said and done. 

But I have the nerve to fantasize about her showing up for me and being healthy and all these things that are never gonna happen because she could not even talk to me. 

~

Love is never enough. 

It's not enough for my family to turn inward, not enough for Candice. 

So really what is the point?

Love may exist but what is the point? What is it good for?

~

I blew up my air mattress and laid down and drunkenly watched a movie and fell asleep. 

I woke up and gathered myself only to get a text from my dad which now accompanies the text my mom sent me yesterday. 

Then I watched Holiday Season and got pissed off at that couple again while I baked a cake for tomorrow.

Only to clean up, wipe down counters, and mop the floor to get a text of my niece from my youngest sister with a text about how she loves her lamb I crocheted. 

~

Things Candice has probably told her girlfriend and/or other people about me:

"Sge misunderstood our relationship. I was only trying to help her. That was complicated one sided. I was just trying to give her some life coaching and got carried away. She quit because I told her I didn't feel the same way. I think she was just embarrassed. She couldn't separate her feelings from me and my job so I told her she should consider finding another gym. I actually had to block her because she wouldn't leave me alone. Hopefully she finds another gym and moves on. One day she'll understand. 

~

Maybe I should have let Jordan's cousin flirt with me. If that's what he was trying to do. I'm pretty sure that's what was happening. 

But maybe he already fucked Brittany or she sucked his dick this Thanksgiving. Maybe that's why she was being so forward last week.