solo

I'm still a little sad this morning BUT I did get a new bedroom sunset lamp thingy. 

And I set the timer to automatically turn off and on.

It's been nice to wake up to and fall asleep to. 

And, remember my trip on being alone from yesterday?

Well guess who was at Chick-fil-A when they saw a message from Tatum wanting to work from home today? And Andrea had already said last week that she's taking off today. 

So it's just me. Alone. But at work. 

~

I'm just gonna lay on the floor for the last five minutes before work starts. 

~

It's been 7 minutes. I flushed out some goals for next year while I got a text from Tatum to please turn on her computer and that picture of Grant with Candice and her girlfriend and some more people popped up again while I was trying to distract myself from my feelings with Facebook.

Fuck a duck. 

~

Am I Good Luck Chuck?

Did I have an emotional affair with Candice only to lose my gym, lose what felt like my person, and have her build a healthier, happier relationship with her girlfriend?

Maybe I am Chuck. 

~

Aaaaand Chris is coming up here today.

I have on a body suit and a volunteer shirt and a jean jacket. 

And I'm by myself. 

And this profit share?! Very grateful for the extra money but it is not what I thought it would be. 

I'm getting paid to do Rochelle's job but not getting paid her money. This profit share that's supposed to be Chris "remembering me since he said no to my raise" does not feel like that.

I feel like I'm just being used.

I have questioned my job for forever and the more shitty behavior gets rewarded, the more I want to work for someone who actually cares about what I do and the effort I put into my job. 

Not what I can do for them. 

I'm tired of being used and really tired of feeling beat the fuck up for free.

Because, free money? Great. 

But the idea of him "remembering me for profit share" and Andrea saying through the shit that has been the past few weeks "we're earning this profit share" MULTIPLE TIMES.

IN WHAT WAY?!

I thought I'd have like 3 grand in profit share and it is literally just about the same.

I don't want to work for a company that takes my work product and me for granted. 

I want to be seen and appreciated for all the shit I do and especially for the extra effort I put into everything I do.

I feel like a fucking side note here. 

~

I have to go back to school.

I don't want to work here. I really don't think this is my forever.

We have had a girl out pregnant WITH HER FIRST CHILD and Nikki has been abusing her position to give her shit and cause problems and it's all being allowed. And fine. Legally, they are in the green but it is a morally shitty thing to do. They bullied her and then tried to present it as "we're being fair because of XYZ"

And I get the front end but on the back end Andrea just makes excuses and moves on.

Then she calls to tell me that I can print ownership checks. And mentions in passing that the same pregnant girl is upset because they didn't give her a profit share.

Again, legally in the green because it's discretionary. But she's worked, she's had a complicated pregnancy, and she just had her first fucking baby. AND Nikki has been giving her shit.

And they love to say she's not good at her job to excuse their behavior but if she's that bad at hee job WHY HAVE YOU KEPT HER HERE FOR YEARS?!

And I was shocked and disappointed and then pissed and I know Andrea heard it in my "oh" and she immediately made the excuse of "well they get to do that"

I don't want to work for anyone with that way of thinking.

And while I'm not gonna make an emotional decision, I am gonna keep all this in mind when I feel safe enough to pursue the degree and job and pay and safety I truly want.

~

I also am tired of what feels like credit being taken for the work I do. The documents I create, the emails I draft up, etc. 

Presenting as a group effort is one thing. Presenting as if it was unilateral is another. Asking me to do the hard work of doing all these things only for someone else to take the credit as of they did it is another.

~

Camille invited me to their NYE party tomorrow. That was really sweet but I had to decline. 

Stressed out for about 20 minutes on the nicest way to tell her I can't come because I have other plans. 

But I figured it out. 

AND I packed Brittany's gift and put th label on it to ship out. 

~

Also, still in love with this bitch. 

What the actual fuck and how do I make it stop.

~

I'm remembering what it was like to hear her voice teaching class, on the phone, when she'd wait for me at the front desk.

We actually had an affair.