nervousnessness

Hi, hello. I'm riddled with anxiety this morning.

Friday a roach was under my mop I left on the floor because I forgot. And then Saturday I saw a tiny ant-sized one on my counter and another in my cabinet.

And it triggered a bunch of visual memories from my childhood and I was not a fan of that on top of being paranoid about roaches.

So I submitted a ticket for service request. 

And then I found three tiny ant sized ones in my living room area.

And they marked it as finished on Sunday and I was at home all day and not a single soul stopped by.

So I commented on it immediately last night and submitted another request this morning that includes a screenshot of my previous ticket. I also requested that they schedule with me so I can make arrangements for my dog. 

And they did not. But to be fair, I marked assessing my apartment as "yes". Won't be doing that again.

And this morning around 9, they said they came by...

I don't believe them and I want to advocate for myself but I also fear retaliation.

So I'm paranoid about roaches, I am terrified that advocating for myself will make me a target. 

I need to buy dog food, get a manicure and then I was just invited to dinner pre-bar crawl. 

Soooooo, I'm worried. And I'm trying to regulate but I am struggling in this moment.

~

I made a comment on the ticket about my dog being out and asking is the solution is pet friendly.

So I said fuck it...

And I also almost had a panic attack about maybe buying a couch. 

I was talking about it because Beth is talked about rotating movie night or if I had everything I needed or something like that.  

So I mentioned it's fine as long as she didn't mind bringing a chair because I need bar stools and a couch. And I joked about the mini panic attack and Kelly looked at me and said let her know if I need help. Her husband has a truck and they can help me.

So that made me feel really good. 

And Andrea texted me about the roaches because I panic texted her. And then Maddy responded on Instagram and gave me the name of traps I should get. 

~

I also have had an uptick in hair pulling. 

Because of the roaches. They also triggered a bunch of memories from growing up. My grandma's apartment, 

Andrea said if I'm only seeing a few it shouldn't be a huge problem, especially since I'm upstairs. She just implored me to get the sticky traps and clean my drains because that may be how they got upstairs. 

And I was trying to explain to her the memories they triggered but I literally couldn't put understandable words to it. 

Also, people liking me and wanting to hang out is freaking me out. I talked about this is EMDR last time so I need to revisit that journal entry. 

But, Jordan invited us to dinner pre-bar crawl, Lynette invited me to see a harp performance for Christmas at Linda Mac's church and I was so excited but I already have plans. I was invited to the fundraiser party again this year but couldn't make it because I have plans and Kennedy was like "bitch, you're gonna leave me" but that was endearing and funny lolol. 

I'm just not used to this attention and knowing that people are like "you're so popular" while I am fully overwhelmed is also overwhelming because I am literally just a girl 😭

And I really wanted to do a class with Laura and she reached out coincidentally but I had plans to go to the ballet. 

And Nikolas has been reaching out via phone calls more and I am just uncertain and afraid all around. 

And that lady that looks like Candice and has her last name is still in my suggested friends and I cannot logic that away because we have no mutuals. And even though that's not uncommon, what is is the fact that no one i know besides Candice connects me to her. I'm not in gym posts, she's not friends with gym members, so idk how she would know me.  

And I partly feel like maybe it was the review I left the gym, but also that was months ago and this is now.

So what is that? 

Because I would love it to be that Candice still has feelings for me and she's leaving her girlfriend to figure things out. 

~

I'm high. 

People think I'm soooooo great, meanwhile I'm afraid I'll wake up to roaches in rug formation on my floor and I am currently obsessing about what if the perfect oval shape of dirt I just found on my living room table because I'm high is mold or aliens or microscopic roach eggs. 

YALL I AM WEIRD LOL