maybe she did what she had to

Candice came on to me.

After that first look we exchanged, we both kept our distance.

Then she followed me on Instagram and we had that body scan and she texted me the next day to see if I was ok. And then she told me to come in and talk to her after I turned her down for another sit down.

And then she asked me if I was single.

And things started progressing and then she tried to push me away and I demanded we sit down again.

And things continued.

And she did not let me ignore her. She did not like it. 

When I blocked her, she showed up. When we had that last call, she showed up. 

...did she let me quit because she couldn't. 

Was this the only way for her to stop? I'm starting to think that's the case...

She let me quit and even promoted the idea because she couldn't be around me?

Because whenever we went toe to toe, she showed up. Whether it was working out beside me, cock blocking me, talking to me during classes, checking on me, having meetings, flirting by mocking me, staring at me intensely when she thought I didn't notice, texting me from her work number, liking my Stories, watching them religiously, made funny faces to make me laugh, she made sure to seek me out whenever I was there. She even set me up with a schedule to come in to the gym every single day. Which now i think she did on purpose.

...I love her. And I think she feels the same heartbreak I do.

But she has a girlfriend to... Do whatever with.

Do life with. 

And she let me berate her and said nothing. 

She let me apologize and confess my feelings and she said nothing.

She knows her girlfriend reached out to me and said nothing.

I checked on her and she said nothing.

And then I learned things about her from others and realized she did treat me differently. She was human with me. Kind, open, honest*, sweet. 

She was herself. Not the badass former Marine, CrossFit athlete, gym owner everyone knows her to be.

So when all that registered and I told her she did treat me differently, she blocked me because I called her bluff.

~

Maybe she didnt do what she wanted to do. Maybe she did what she had to because she knew she would not stop. 

I like her. I find her attractive and she is smart and willing and self aware (maaaaybe lol) and nice and strong and our souls feel like kindred spirits.

I am fully aware we do not completely no each other but I am certain we should be together. 

I have never in my life experienced something that strong. That natural. And I know there was a lot of uncertainty and stress and worry given the circumstances but I don't think it would be that way if she was single.

I think it would almost be too easy because we compliment each other so well. 

I wish I could see her, talk to her, touch her again.

AND SHE ASKED TO HUG ME. SHE ASKED TO HUG ME.

And this was AFTER she joked about me making a special trip to come and talk to her. And before I knew physical touch was her love language.

And she told me her love language and she asked for mine. And then she proceeded to spend whatever time she could with me that made sense.

At socials, in class, before class, after class, texts, calls, more meetings.

I don't want to let that go. I don't want to let her go. 

~

I'm disregulated now. 

Because I'm coming to accept more of my journey with Candice while working and also texting a girl from Facebook about a couch.

..... I'm DEFINITELY gonna be crying later.

Because is she gonna propose to her girlfriend and then never ever talk to me or see me again? Is she muting or hiding posts I'm in with friends so she doesn't ever have to see me?

When I was around her I would ALWAYS look at her ring finger to see if it was empty because that meant I still had a chance.

Now I feel like I don't know anything about anything. I can't think because I can feel myself being too overwhelmed to continue to intellectualize my emotions.

I'm in love with her and I think I will be forever. When I'm mad or sad, I try to tell myself that maybe she just secretly sucks and we wouldn't work but I don't really believe that's true and then I get more sad and more upset because I think she's great and she wanted me but not enough and now I'm heartbroken and alone and I have no where to put my sorrow and my disappointment and my love. 

I'm just hurt and sad and jealous.

At least I had a gym when we were doing the whole situationship. And now I have nothing.

No girlfriend, no gym. Just a broken heart and an eternal longing I'm pretty sure I will NEVER get over. 

~

She just let me go. 

I know I ended things but could she really not help herself? She really couldn't leave me alone so I could stay at the gym?

I cannot fathom someone wanting me that much. It doesn't seem real especially because she wants me that much but not enough to self evaluate to be with me?

What the fuck is that?!

~

Okay. I'm doing voice to text because I'm not over there so it's going to pick up some things not pick up others but here we go. I am not over as you can tell I'm not over a bunch of things. I'm not over it though. If you know what I'm I just can't I can't I cannot figure out a way to express it best. Because this girl learned my name. Not my nickname that I go by and everybody calls me she learned my actual name and she said it right without me having to tell her how to do it. And neither I said it in our first meeting and I don't remember or she went and looked it up somewhere either way how. Because no one ever remembers how to say my name the right way. That's a black girl sometimes it is very likely that you're actual name will be like wiped out because people you know cannot say it so for her to do that just attitude all of the stuff. She learned my name she knew my favorite drink and food and you just going to let that go. I haven't let it go and I feel like I should by now but I haven't because I've never felt this way about anybody. And I've never been treated this well by anybody. And that's not to say that my what I expect for people is low and it's not to say that we did everything right and she got everything right. But that was a good relationship and its core foundation was not great execution not always great but what can you really expect when you're in a situation not f****** much. But here we are my heart belongs to her and is in this limbo because she's not here to get it and it just dawned on me I may have wrote this the other day after Andrea's house for thanksgiving. But it's just dawned on me that I wrote her a love letter. That is a gay as s*** I have ever done in my life outside of pursuing her and all these things I love letter I love who the f*** am I I wrote a f****** love letter to this girl I just I don't even I don't even know what to do. She doesn't want to see me because she can't be around me? That seems f****** crazy. Because what do you mean you can't be around me. Meanwhile she hadn't even said any of this it's just me purely making conjecture statements based on the information I have at him just not f****** much but it's something so we're going to use it because that's what I do best I'm going to try my feelings with my thoughts as I can. But oh my God oh my god. And that's just it for us that's just it that it's that's that's it because I don't know it just felt questionable and unbelievable in the beginning and then I told her I liked her and that we shouldn't be friends and this other stuff started pursuing me more and I know that that means because she also liked me but also it is mind-boggling and I think that's what's so hard about me oh God I'm going to cry. I think that's the hardest part about me accepting all of what happened in my current circumstances without her because I didn't think it was possible. I didn't think it was possible that she felt anything other than professionally obligated towards me and now that I'm starting to understand that wasn't the case I feel like I've been robbed I feel like I've been robbed and I feel like I was in captured and I didn't even feel like it was a waste well that is that hit me in my cracker eyeballs so I'm done for right now cuz I just want to relax on this ride to my apartment cuz there's a lot of traffic great for continuing to do this it will not be great for me crying in my car while people sit at the standstill and probably look at me through there every mirror. So I'm just going to not do that

~

I'm high because I have taken a little bit of the daytime a couple hours ago and then I took the night time like 45 minutes ago I don't know anyway I've calmed down a lot for earlier and also made a really good burger today I am doing this voice to text. So it's going to be a little off because I'm high and I'm trying to figure out this out at the same time. But I made a burger tonight and I think it was so good it was a little meat Patty from Target and fried my egg on both sides the little cheese in there but we'll Taco Bell's off of there that was good LOL Taco Bell sauce not off lol. Okay so I was thinking that and I'm getting really happy and I'm getting higher because I'm happy so I'm about to lay down. But I was thinking and I was like oh my God Candice really liked me. So at some point she must have also been thinking like what do I do at night. Do I touch myself and think about her? What I like to eat what would it feel like to touch me what would it feel like to lay next to me but it feel like to spend the day with me. What I must smell like? Or my eyes must look like if she could look in them all the time or would it be like to help me cook. She liked me enough to be interested in me and share price off with me. Parts of herself with me. She liked me enough to make sure to be standing at the front desk when I'm supposed to be walking in. Like me enough to bully me into coming to share my emotions with her lol. I wonder what she was thinking after I told her I liked her. I wonder if when she was blushing it's because she was really happy to hear that I like her back. And I wonder if she was freaking out about what to do in that situation. I think she was really happy. I hope she was really happy at least. So even I was freaking out earlier right now all I can think about is she likes me back. Or liked me back. I just wish she realized how happy she was when I told her that I liked her. I wish you realize that I would feel the same way if she told me she liked me back. I will share my entire life with her if I could. Really hard it's really hard. Back in at least now but I can at least now think about what she must have felt like knowing that I liked her. How happy she must have been to see me everyday. How much you want to talk to me how much she wanted to be around me more I wonder if she ever even considered breaking up with her girlfriend and all. If at any point she thought that maybe she could let that go so she could be with me and explore this. Hopefully I'm at least right about the idea that she felt what I feel about her. That would make me really happy. So I think I'll just remember that part. The part where while we were in it I was what she wanted.

~

She told me she liked my hair. She said she liked my tattoo. She made it a point to sit next to me at brunch. She makes me laugh. 

And I'm fully aware that all this sounds miniscule and inconsequential. But those tiny things and the level of emotional intimacy was everything to me. 

I was never invisible to her. She made it a point to see me, be around me, or interact with me. And she shared things with me, told me to read Becoming the One. 

She showed me her soft underbelly. 

Staring at me, looking into my eyes, flirting with me. She even tried to circle the block and talk to me again. 

"She knows how awkward it can be to have feelings for someone and they be unavailable" or whatever she said. 

She wanted things to continue. She didn't care that I liked her, she wanted to keep spending time with me, getting to know me.

Me. 

~

She texted me around Christmas last year after gym hours and then early the next morning.

She cockblocked me in class when that new guy was flirting with me and then she kept making an effort to talk to me from beginning to end of class. Asking me how my Christmas went, joking with me about biking harder, then running to the bathroom after I tried joking back, asking me if I could hear, walking up on me to take my barbell and put it up for me. 

~

She told me why she started therapy.

The worst day I had and went in to workout, Bo took that time to tell me I'm beautiful and that I always look beautiful. Meanwhile, I'm falling apart inside and Candice recognized it and asked me if I was ok. And she looked concerned. And I let go of myself a little by saying no but I'll be ok. And she offered herself if I needed her. She said "us" but I have only ever talked to her. 

~

She told me she liked my thigh tattoo, she ran out of her office to tell me she likes my glasses, she told me she liked my hair after I confessed my feelings to her.