fuck this shit

I woke up to pee and went to Facebook to do some browsing.

The first picture I see is of Grant and a few other of my friends with a girl that looks a lot like Candice's girlfriend. So then I think "... there's no way" only to look behind Grant and see Candice.

Fuck her. 

~

I am livid. 

~

I just woke up and I do not want to cry. 

Today is the first day in forever that I've woken up early on a weekend and felt ok. Didn't have the urge to fall back asleep.

And then this. 

Fuck her. Fuck this. 

We are clearly not the same. We are different people and don't need to be anywhere near each other. 

Because if you can drag me close to you, reject my rejection and then tell me to quit is fucking crazy. 

And then her girlfriend is at the gym party?! She obviously lives here.

If this weekend was meant to further push Candice out of my brain, it is working.

~

I also went to her Instagram because let's drill this pain the fuck home.

What the actual fuck?

I get that Grant doesn't know any of that but Candice definitely does. 

She is cementing her spot in my "stay the fuck away from me column"

And now I'm starting to self-deprecate.

I'm gonna grab my video game to distract myself from being as angry as I am.

Fuck this. Fuck her. Fuck her crazy girlfriend.

They deserve one another. And if Candice is good with it and her girlfriend is good with it, I am too.

I just really hope they don't start inviting her girlfriend to hang out with us.

~

To me, that picture is screaming "I've got the girl, I've got the gym, and I've got your friends"

And that's Ashley and Candice. 

Fully triggered. 

~

The way that Candice mirrors my family is comical. 

I'm up. I did my medicine refills, I poured a medical drink (marijuana), and microwaved some brunch (pizza leftovers). 

And I started crying. 

Because my worst fear is that Candice and /or her girlfriend will start infiltrating my friends and tell the version of our story that makes me look like a terrible person. And then I'll lose a good chunk of friends I worked so hard to keep.

Candice used me for what she wanted and then quickly pretended like I was the problem.

Just like my mom and sisters.

It makes me feel disposable and alone, like no one will ever support me. Like I will fight for the rest of my life and never know peace or rest.

~

Everyone's happy and I'm left picking up the pieces of my life. 

I'm starting over. 

~

Candice has just made my trust issues that much worse. 

She pretended to be something she is not: safe. 

~

I may as well join the fucking nunnery because I am going to die a virgin. 

At least then I won't be alone. 

~

I'm doing voice to text because I'm crochet the rest of Britney's bag. But I came here to say that I know everything that I'm writing on my feelings but also the more I thought about it because I'm coming up with different situations where one of the friends is going to approach me and say well we heard that this happened it was told that this happens but I can't believe you did this for you act like this but you actually do stuff like this but on closed doors. And more and more I thought about it something done on me that I've realized that I never put into together. I'm also doing voice to text if I have I said that already. I have a hard time watching movies and TV shows where the audience knows the truth but the people in the movie the other characters outside the main character believed a lot if that makes sense. Like if the main character witness something and the person who did it gaslights everyone into believing that the person who witnessed it was a liar and then the entire rest of the show or movie is about how nobody is ever going to believe them and they're being ousted and all this stuff and they don't win in the end it's just them suffering until the end of the movie and that's it. I hate plots like that because they depict what my life has been like and I hate it because I know what that feeling is to suffer in silence and even suffer out loud and it doesn't matter if you say anything and it doesn't matter if you keep it to yourself because no one's going to f****** believe you. So I even bother with telling the truth and if you do tell the truth you spend the rest of your time however long that is looking like a f****** crazy person and maybe that's my fear of being crazy it's not that I am crazy right really truly believe that I am crazy is that no One believes me no one ever has believed me I my family as always giving me the hardest time with the things that I say and no and I know I've talked about that before the crazy part and how my family it makes me feel like I'm crazy and all these things but that is just it's so f***** up because it's ruined everything and now I'm crying because I don't know I knew I knew what I knew it I didn't know what I didn't know and I'm feeling all the stuff that's f****** hate it with a passion and I wish I didn't have to do anything I don't know I could have family that tried have a family that apologized to have family that cared enough to be uncomfortable for the right reasons I had a family that wasn't just selfish that knew how to be selfless and not just because it looks good but because of the right thing to do I don't know I don't know I don't know how this happened out of all the people I've come across since I've started therapy and before I start therapy Candace was the one that got in and she f****** mirrors my family to know in it makes me so angry because as much as she feels and looks like me she portrays my family to the letter and I f****** hate it I f****** hate it

~

The worst part about not living a lie is that no one believes you anyway. 

~

I wanted to hurt myself today.

I wanted to throw my head against the wall. Punch myself in the face, slap my face. Scratch my face, pinch it hard with my whole fist. 

I thought about maybe when my dog dies, I'll go with her. 

Or maybe I'll just pill my way out of here. 

Love is real but it's not enough and it doesn't matter. 

What good is honesty and dignity if the world thrives on lies and manipulation?

What is real, really? Is anyone truly themselves?

I don't know that I ever want to get close to anyone else. 

I've had enough and I'm all fucking set. I'm sick of this shit. 

Sick of all of it.