end of week

Heading home and I am dysregulated. I am having a hard time with a lot of things. I don't mean hard as if as in unmanageable I mean hard as in difficult. It's not me being dramatic it's just a difficult thing to navigate. I've never had to deal with the leasing office and I am not enjoying the dealing with the leasing office. Andrea is finally realizing she doesn't like her living situation and she is not enjoying more and more of her job. I am not enjoying the feeling of being unsafe at my job. But on top of that my biggest worry about the living space is just me not having a place to park at the place I live. I almost paid for parking today but they never responded. I sent that one email that they never responded to so I sent the follow-up email they never responded to and then I went in the office yesterday and they were like oh it's adequate parking we've never had that can play before b**** don't f****** lie to me. So I know how to take up for myself and all these things the hardest part of it is I haven't had much luck given the time I put into taking up for myself and acceptance of guilt from other people if that makes sense. And I don't mean guilt as in you're wrong and you should feel bad I mean people just saying oh okay and let me be nice enough to just help you with an issue you're having I don't have experience with that and that's becoming more of an issue than I would like. So I haven't been enjoying that because I don't like being stressed about stuff especially dumb stuff like that. And I don't like being dismissed. And I want to go out and have fun and I don't want that to be at risk because I can't put my car anywhere because there's no parking for when I get back home. So I don't know. At this point I am almost willing to knock on the door of these people that live up the street from me just go hey is it okay if I park my car here sometimes because what the f*** else am I supposed to do there's no one that I've talked to so far that can help me. Tatum has never experienced this issue and Andrea so unfortunately jaded that she can't really provide a positive in this situation. It's not to say that I'm not jaded but her is a bit more cloudy on there being what I'm really trying to say is she is more pessimistic than I am. And I have a realistic view on things optimistically and I know sometimes my time already gets in the way and all these things but she is just more pessimistic than I am. And that's based on her life being the way it has for so long. Which I get but I don't enjoy it when it's times like this I just need a little bit of Hope and she really doesn't have it. She can help navigate the conflict because she's used to that but this kind of stuff is just like oh roll over and take it and I don't want to do that. I've never enjoyed doing that. That's just a big trigger for me so I'm going to have to figure out how to best navigate this situation right now I caved when she she did I will say if I can walk a piece of that bag that she did tell me that I should just asked if I could ride with someone and that is fair and that's what I did. So I'm going to reach out to Kelly cuz Alyssa said that she lives north of me and she's going to be heading this through this way to come to Alyssa's house so maybe I'll do that to help a little bit but I hate the idea of not having a place to put my car cuz it makes me feel like I'm not safe. And I really wish that I know I have been surrounding myself with more people but I feel like I wish I had a closer relationship with those people cuz I also hits the canvas button and I knew I was going to come to that at some point tonight. I'm already tearing up. Because I didn't say canvas I said canvas LOL Candice LOL my phone is not want to hear me say that voice to text apparently. But I didn't have to over explain with her because she understood and she didn't make excuses for me it was an understanding with accountability and that is what I miss the most on top of a lot of other things. And now I'm crying and sitting at a stoplight near downtown and I don't know what to do with myself but that's just like myself crap so I guess that's what I'm going to do. Cry LOL not crap. And my period is also starting right now so that's great sarcastically but I'm missing a healthy level of support and I know that I have support that I can go get but it's not readily available to me I'm figuring out in this moment and that's really been the hardest because even though my family wasn't the healthiest and it wasn't always support that I needed it was enough to help me get by at least in my brain and now it's just me having to figure all this out so that's really hard that's hard to manage because skin is the most cuz I don't feel like most people are like that like that's a very uncommon quality to have in a bad back and I'm at all but it's haven't been a difficult time dealing with those emotions since letting it all out but for a little bit after that session there was a point in time where I was a little concerned about whether or not Britney was going to tell me that Kansas is terrible to stay away from her and I knew that she wouldn't do that but she also pointed out the power dynamic and all that and how that plan into things and I was like no I get that and I'm not discounting it and I don't want to throw it away I just don't feel like it was my biggest struggle until it's time for me to tell her to either back off or I'm going to quit then she took full advantage of that it was only then I felt like s*** and maybe I don't know but there are a lot of moments where I thought she was going to say and this is why this isn't good for you and she's terrible in all these things and I was I didn't say that out loud but I was saying things to combat that out loud and she was nodding along and she barely interrupted me to negate anything it was just more of pulling it out so I don't think I'm wrong. I think I'm right in all these things and how I felt so it's really hard it's harder to let that go I don't have anywhere to put it n**** are we f****** serious I don't have anywhere to put it and I don't know what to do with that it's a struggle is really hard but I've been trying. And it Britney was very supportive of that of like just yes keep doing keep trying you just have to keep trying that's it while I understand that it's really f****** hard cuz I'm not I told her in session that I told her a bunch of things and one of them was I wasn't looking for Candace I actually made an effort to run away from her so to them have her run into me and have all these things that I want was a very scary because it wasn't supposed to be that and I felt like I just love for her came out of nowhere because I didn't think I was built for that I didn't think that was going to happen for me and I didn't think it was realistic I'm a hopeless romantic I'm realistic at the end of the day because realistically life is always been disappoint ing to me so I don't see why that should have been different it was really happy to understand and everything's coming out jumbo now because I am really correct maybe if this could happen it could be real and good go somewhere maybe life isn't as disappointing as I thought maybe things can be okay and I can be okay and I can find love and then be loved and all these things but I don't know and I didn't help me it did but it didn't because well it kind of help shake that I did like maybe this could happen reinforce the idea of maybe not though maybe not how many people are built like that honestly I don't think they're a lot and I'm a really good person I've always tried to be the best person I know how to be and I don't think I don't think I'm getting when I'm supposed to get in return religiously I realistically all the things I know that good is happening and I'm not saying that I feel like there should be more is what I mean. And I'm very grateful that I'm very happy and I am all these things but I'm still at the end of the day wanting I want to take more I don't know if I can get it I really want it I don't want to be a good person I'm going to be okay I don't want to be perfect but I do want to try and be nice and kind and loving and caring and all these things I know all these things are why I'm where I am and have made it so far and I get that I just don't want to end that's really what it is. I've always gotten more and more and more I know and understand that but the fear is that at a certain point it just stops and what's the point of me continually trying if circumstances don't change if I keep hitting all these walls and I keep doing all these things and I know the only reason I'm hitting new walls is because I'm in New spaces and I'm going new places but it does not make hitting the wall less hard it does that make it easier to hit this wall that's what's happening it is not easy it is not fun very difficult road to travel and that is why it's the p road less traveled because no one really wants to do this well I keep fighting if you can give up why do the right thing if people also get rewarded for doing the wrong thing it's a whole condition like it's the human condition of what's the point what's the reason what is the why and a part of me would love to believe that the y is the beauty and the enjoyment of what you put into the world but sometimes it is really hard to see and it's really hard to grasp and it's really hard to hold on to and it's really hard to keep telling myself that that's the end goal that's what I'm going for that is what I'm trying to get when where I am right now is where I want it to be and there's trouble here and I know it's not big trouble but it's trouble and I want to be able to tell myself that this is trouble I can handle this isn't a dangerous trouble somewhere in there lies I hope I know I'm looking for in the hope I want because why else would I be journaling my feelings or else would I be crying about it if I didn't think that would have an effect on anything no there's something there I just feel like I can't put my hands on it and I don't know what to do about that. But I'm going to hope and pray and do all the things don't know sometimes and I know that's part of it but doesn't make me feel any better. Maybe I'll cry when I get settled into my apartment tonight and I'll feel a little bit better for a minute I don't think I'm going to pay for parking at least not yet. And I think when my prayer is going to be is if I have to pay for parking I would like that money back to me tenfold I wanted to be easy money to pay for parking I don't want to have to think twice about it I wanted to be like oh I can pay for parking and it just happened. I don't want to be an adult stresser or worry or concerned I wanted to be it oh I can do this this is something I can do.

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But I'm learning is Andrea isn't the best person to talk to when I'm dysregulated. I thought of that she's great. Not that's not what I meant to say but I said what I meant to say voice to text is not picking up the right thing. Outside of that she is great. The one I need okay I'm going to start and try again. But when I need someone who can help me regulate, it is not her. And that's because of our own things but lover to death but she is not conducive for me in that way. Also I got my first light bill tonight and it's $96.47. which I figured it was very double the rate of the apartment and it was but seeing it was like okay it's what I thought it was but I'm so stressed me out because of money. And while money can't buy you happiness it sure does help alleviate a lot of stressors. Because if I could afford it I would just Uber to Alyssa's house and Uber back and not pay for anything other than the drive there in the drive back and call it a day. If I lived in the dream apartment I wanted to stand I probably would have had street parking but it will at least been there for me and only me. I know I can't afford it right now but I really hope that before this lease is up it's still available and I can move over there and I can afford to move. I really do hope for a lot of things and I know sometimes I don't feel like I do and I know I stress about a lot of things because I have a lot of things that make me stress but I am I'm really trying and like I even budget it for $50 of water $50 of gas $50 of electric $50 of electric. I started towards the end there LOL I stuttered LOL apparently my Annunciation really is bad because I'm having a real hard time with this today. But budgeted for this it's just having to actually do it is another thing all together. So now I'm sitting here doing my budget instead of doing it for the apartment I want I'm doing it for the apartment I want it and I'm now in so that's something to be grateful for right? And I'm being sarcastic but like I am happy I'm just very scared sometimes cuz I don't want it to go away I want to be happy I want to be okay I want to feel safe at my job and my place of work the place I live I want to feel wanted and needed and protected and all the things and I'm getting there I know I'm getting there cuz I'm here and I didn't think I would be here but there's a road ahead of me and I don't know but it looks like I don't know what a holds but I'm hoping they're still Joy there but they're still love there they're still hope they are they're still dreams there I'm still there me I show up as myself I really hope that's enough.