drunk new years

I love her and I don't know what to do

I'm at Jordan's. I left my dog at home. I am high. I am drunk. I am in Jordan's guest room while she tries to work on a man who is flabbergasted in front of her. 

She's probably hooking up and I am a 29 year old virgin in love with someone who refuses to address me or talk to me. 

I'm not sad but I feel like that's a sad statement to make. 

I'm....maybe I am sad?

Because this idiot man is in his forties and doesn't know how to make small talk with a girl. Instead he points out the fact that I'm crocheting (which, fuck you. Eat my ass) but you are attracted to this girl sitting next to you and don't know how to make conversation. How to seduce her? How to get to know her?

Just talking in circles, saying borderline cancelable things, and having bad timing. And his friend left so I am laying wide awake in bed as not to cockblock.

I had strong emotional conversations with Candice. We bonded. We shared. We expressed. I felt like we were connected. It was so fucking easy with her. She was easy to talk to, easy to get close to, easy. 

I love her. 

All that and nothing. And this little shit of a man has done damn near nothing for something. 

And I'm alone. 

Not really the energy I wanted to start the new year with. 

.

And I'm supposed to just let Candice go?

Everything I have experienced and everything I have heard says that what we shared doesn't happen nearly as often as it should. 

But it did-- with us. 

And that's it? I'm just supposed to let it go?

I am 29 years old and never had a New Year's kiss. 

I've never truly been kissed. 

And, although I have been in love, I don't think I've ever been loved.

And, of course, I've never had sex

....maybe I should have brought in the New Year alone. 

~

I want her. And more and more I feel like what we shared is rare. 

If it was real-- if it is real, it's rare.

But now...it doesn't matter. Right?

It doesn't matter. It's nothing. 

But how?

How can she just let that go?

That's just it?

We got that close all for nothing to happen?

.... really?

Really?

I mean nothing to her? 

.....how is that possible?

~

I'm going to be in love with her forever. 

I don't know anyone that's actually in, what I would deem, a healthy relationship. Outside of Brittany in my biased opinion.

If nothing ever comes of us, I may hate her forever.