brain spotting

So I'm still up and it's like almost men that was past midnight. I wanted to go see my EMDR therapist today right before our office Christmas party for whatever locations. For one of our locations. And we did brain spotting and I know I had it on my calendar that that's where we're going to be doing but I thought because we didn't last time too maybe she wouldn't do it again today and she's like you want to do it? LOL and she never makes me do anything she just ask me if I'm up for it and I thought about it for a second and I said yeah cuz I really want to know was bothering me. This morning in the driveway I took away almost half panic attack at Chick-fil-A in the Drive-Thru line. So that happened on my way into work I was feeling nervous almost had a panic attack on Chick-fil-A on and I'm just riddled with anxiety for the rest of the day. And that's me kind of exaggerating a little bit about the I didn't feel like something terrible was going to happen it just felt like I was on edge real bad. So I talked about that today and with her and we constantly backed into like no this wasn't just a to the first I was like well I just felt like I was riddled with anxiety today and it's just digging into it some more and I was like okay well I did almost have a panic attack on the Chick-fil-A line. And then she was like what were you doing and I told her I was listening to music to calm down and then it just happened and she was like so you were feeling kind of bad before then do cuz you were listening to music to calm down I was like you right you got me lol. So she was like we've been trying to bring spotting if you're up for it and we'll just see like what that is because I could not figure out what was bothering me. So we did it and she found her placement I was getting more and more uncomfortable I didn't make me cry immediately I just felt like tension around my arms and shoulders and just kept getting tighter and tighter. And then we probably start it and I'm trying my best to do nothing and this phone is not pick me up. Anyway we started and I never started it was about crying before so I didn't really know what to do and I was like it's just going to be a bunch of worry about it and she was like no. I mean not bunch of worry I was telling her it was going to be a bunch of word vomit. And she was like that's fine let's go and I was like okay so I started in about Adam at Chick-fil-A and how I'm nervous about going to this thing he kind of invited me to and I was like I don't know if I'm supposed to be really going if he was just being nice if he's looking forward to seeing you like I don't know what to do but I did buy a ticket. It was actually gone over everything cuz it was a lot and I did start crying and there was a lot of stuff that I hadn't realized I was thinking and feeling that came up. And I just don't want to risk losing their life and I work so hard to build and I also don't want to ruin it because I don't know how to take care of myself and take care of things. And also don't want to self-sabotage and listen over impending things she was like well after listening to you and she like talks me through it and everything. After we finish is like after listening to you there's definitely a lot of doubt there and that makes sense that you would doubt so much and that you would second guess a lot of things in your word because you've come from an environment where that kept you safe for so long. And she's like the best thing you can do for yourself is not to necessarily turn that off because it is a good thing but to let's try maybe turning it down a little bit do you think you can do that. And I was like yeah I think I can do that while I'm crying on the couch lol. And she's like okay let's practice turning that down and then also and I guess you could say to my face cuz I was still kind of like on edge a little bit and she was like so where are you and it's going from 1 to 10 you ready earlier and I was like well right now I feel like I'm about to six now it's like it's not to say that I'm not I don't feel better but I think it's because it's still so fresh and it's still a little bit uncomfortable it's just not at an eight anymore. And she's like okay and then I can I will still just kind of like nervously floating on edge of like I don't know right around is in a sense where the ground is. So she said okay love to do some grounding right now and show me I'm sitting and listen to the sound that I hear and name three sounds. So we sat and did that she was like yeah will you come for an environment where that's kept you safe for so long and the things are changing and stuff is still new to you and she was like in the friends you're making the stuff you're doing I also want you to think about taking breaks like recharge yourself I can do that I definitely understand that and she's like cuz it could be that some of the stuff you don't want to do maybe and I was like no I do want to do these things it's just like and doesn't make you sad after you do them and I was like no I'm happy like I do feel a little bit like the doubt and everything and sometimes I get sad because I'm like oh I don't want to not do this like I want to and I understand what that is now in this moment. It's the sadness I used to feel when I was going to a friend's house or something and I had to go back home that makes so much sense. Because I didn't want to leave and go back home cuz I wasn't happy at home. And now I'm having to understand that it's okay when I go back home because I am still happy here. And she's like yeah you come from an environment where you didn't feel safe and all these other things so you are now fostering a life that's very different and you're making more friends and you're going out and doing more things so it is going to be a journey of you learn to trust people. And I was like oh that's a really good. And she's like do you think that's a fair assessment and I was like no I think you've hit the nail on the head because the overarching thing is very much I don't know that I can trust people.. and while we were talking about it I talked a little bit about Candice a little bit about my family about my new friends about my own fears my worries and all these things and she summed it up pretty nice and she was like you're going to be okay but just have to cater to those parts of you that still don't know that. And she said some advice that she gives her other clients is to win those moments come up and you start doubting you get afraid and all these things try to invite that part of you who does not understand and know that to see through your current eyes that you're okay and things are fine and you're safe and it's going to be okay. And I was like okay I think I can do that. and I forget the way she worried it but she basically wants me to focus on doing that focus on the grounding she's like I don't want you to bring yourself back to the front of your brain in those moments like use your senses to do that now it's like okay I can do that and then we booked a session for January. And I was telling her like I know I've come a long way but they're alive I'm with breath I like maybe I didn't come a long way and maybe that everything that I think I know I really doing as you can see a lot of doubt. And she's like what you seem to be doing a good job of handling things you're still you're not not trying to do these things you're still going out and you're still trying and making an effort and showing up and she's like so you can do it and it's just going to take some work. So that's what I am today and I think I would do what I start bringing my notebook back into therapy cuz I can take notes cuz I always feel like I'm missing something and I want something to go back to and I'm not having a good time and I'm having a difficult time. and I stop bringing it into therapy after all the candid stuff cuz I almost I just really do want to go to therapy at some points and I really didn't want to have all that document in it either cuz I knew it would just make me sad to relive that later but I think it's time I start bringing my notebook back to therapy. And then I went to the Christmas party and I almost went home because I wasn't sure if I could handle having just cry my eyes out for an hour and then going to that Christmas party but I did it and I'm glad I did because we spent the night I just left there maybe like 15 minutes ago. We had drinks there was a gift exchange Apartments and then I spent the night cackling with Andrea and Chris were a little bit which was fun I enjoyed talking to Chris he's really nice person and I feel like he has a lot of potential to grow even more even in whatever age he's in right now and I'm very happy for him. But we spent tonight as me Andrea Lindsay Whitney and Maddie. I know we've all got our own things but I think Maddie you got a little bit more growth to do. There's a lot of things that she sees through a lens of internalizing and she I don't think she recognizes it or she doesn't say that she recognized it it's a thing but I think she'll be okay it's just something that I recognize tonight while she was drunk. But no it was a good time. And that's still really ne new to me. And I will say before I'm finished that when I brought up the Candice thing it was that I was mad at myself because I spent a lot of that time doubting that Candice feel any type of way towards me and it made it really hard to navigate that situation and I do miss her and all these things hated that end it that way and I don't get a lot of things in life I don't regret a lot of things in life but I do regret how all that played out and I really wish we could to have a second go at things. Because if I'm being fair I was not in the mental space to take care of that relationship really and she was not in the mental space to take care of that relationship. And I feel like I'm in a better place and I hope that we can revisit that. I would really like that