mazdas don't matter

I'm a little tired of the "put somebody in place, they'll figure it out" routine that keeps putting selfishly driven people in positions of authority with no consequences for their actions. 

And Idk how much longer before this "tiny" problem makes me not want to come in to work. 

Also, my brain is really fucking quiet today. The day just started. I'm tired, I've already cried a little. 

But let me head in to work, where I'm the only one here right now. 

~

For a hot minute I left work to go pick up my prescription that I thought I had set for pickup on Saturday but apparently it was today cuz the guy texted me. Chandler and Jenny are back on their b******* has annoyed me I get in my car and I have been smelling this little stinky smell ever so often I couldn't really pinpoint what it is but I figured like some kind of outside getting inside my car turns out it's f****** water because how the left side of my vehicle when I'm sitting in it was getting water this year when I came out of the dentist office the right side of my vehicle is now doing that. Where is running off my sunroof and somehow getting into my car and last time I was like oh there's leaves are like if you have to happen so at some point I'm going to have to see if their leaves under my hood in the way or on top of my car in the way I don't f****** know but I'mma have to figure out the f*** out on the right side of my car in the front seat so that's great. Oh and I have a new model for Mazdas because as I was crying on my way home one day last week I realized that there is a Mazda car dealership at the turn that I take to get to my house so Mazdas mean nothing to me anymore. In my mind it was a sign because I never see these cars and I would see them everywhere I went there's a f****** dealership on this side of town and people like buying the f****** car and that's it because it means jack s*** to me must be f****** honest it means nothing it means nothing. It is a sign that somebody decided to buy a Mazda that's it that's all there's no metaphor there's no hire meaning there is no sign there's no acknowledgment whatever I see one now so ma's just mean nothing nothing hindrance to mine acceptance of what happened it is a hindrance to my ability to let go is a problem for me it's what it is. And there is sarcasm dripping from the tone of my voice because I'm annoyed it myself because he's being a wuss and these b****** are not even half as smart as he is so be f****** for real call their f****** blood and last f****** move on so we can have some fun and be successful company I'm so tired of cleaning up b******* behind the two of them it's insane I know I haven't had to do much of anything but the amount of talking I've done the amount of advice the main one is my f****** car and I've accepted it is not brand new and it's not going to be perfect it's not going to be great in all these days and I am so f****** tired of having to figure out something to do something to get it looked at for all these f****** things that seem to own enough to give me a break and make me comfortable enough to be pissed off and upset the next time something happens I'm so exhausted exhausted. 

I will say another news the place I go to get my medicine is a CrossFit gym so maybe when I have enough money to afford to go back I'll start going there and I just won't tell people that I'm working out again and I'll figure it out for my phone

~

Back at work and Googled the issue so I'll look at my roof later. 

But Andrea is talking about her mom and it just reminded me. Her mom started using again. And she's been a recovering addict off and on for as long as Andrea can remember BUT Andrea gave her addict mother magic mushroom caps and expected her to not abuse them.

And she believes she is abusing them. But she hasn't put two and two together at all, out loud. 

~

Waiting on me outside the bathroom, waiting for me at the front desk, working out next to me, making a point to find home every day and speak to me, wanting to have these deep conversations, joking about going to cry together at the 911?????

What the fuck? Why would you do that?

And then to treat me like I mean nothing? To be so fucking dismissive of me and my feelings and my experience WITH YOU!

You fucking gutted me. You hurt my feelings in a way no one has ever been able to because I made it a point to keep people away from me.

And you didn't want that. And I told you that's what I wanted, to keep you away and you didn't flinch. And then you proceeded to ignore my wishes. 

And then the same person who made a workout plan I never asked for that made me come in to your gym every single day encouraged me to quit with a blink of an eye.

You hurt me so fucking bad it's unbelievable. 

~

I don't want that. If that's love, I don't want it. 

You don't get to do that and be ok. But naybe you do. 

Maybe you do. Because you seem fine.

Be fine. Be great. Be happy.

And you'll never know how much crying I have done and will continue to do because of your actions. 

And now I have a scar to match the literal burn I accidentally gave myself because of you. 

I don't know if I ever will be able to let someone on like that ever again. 

~

I just retitled the entry my new thing I'm telling myself when I see Mazdas.

I'm a bit of scorched earth today. 

~

I am very obviously in love with this girl and I all but told her that.

I'm not upset because I don't care. I'm not flippant because I could care less.

I am hurt and angry because I care a-fucking-lot and it doesn't matter.

I will probably always love her and it does not matter. 

I will probably never get over her and it does not matter.

Nothing matters. 

~

I am also jealous because she doesn't want a healthy relationship with me at all.

And I know she doesn't because she wouldn't even let us have one when I was AT the fucking gym. 

~

I went downstairs to try and clean my sunroof with some dry air and a napkin. And there was a cute girl sitting in her car right next to me. Meanwhile, I'm all bent up in the car and then sticking my head in and out of the sunroof. 

And what do I see while I have my head poking out of the roof trying to figure out what the fuck is going on???????

A blue Mazda juuuuust like the one Candice drives.

Fuck.