anger

Chandler is pissing me the fuck off. 

~

I am triggered and extremely dysregulated so I just decided to sit down and take my lunch.

In my trauma brain, Chandler's attitude and the way she interacts when doing her job reminds me of my lifestyle growing up.

And I know I may be wrong about who she truly is but this is my experience mixed with a little bit of "you got me fucked up".

These bitch fits and pout sessions and cry me a river theatrics are getting fucking old.

And the fact that no one wants to tell anyone what they should and shouldn't be doing or define any roles anyone has in this company for the betterment of working together is PISSING ME OFF!

And this is why I wanted to be a stay at home mom. Because people fucking suck and I wouldn't have to leave my gotdamn house and worry about limiting myself for the sake of others if I didn't have the responsibility that required that. 

I want to be a therapist. I want to help people who actually want help, even those who are unsure about whether or not they actually want it. 

This can't be my final stop. 

~

I'm gonna continue to do the things that are right and treat people nicely and all these things.

But I will never play this game of "let's make structure but not really and also it doesn't really matter if it's communicated or effective at all or long term"

I'm going to do my life on my terms because I know I'm doing the right thing, given my position and given my knowledge of how things "work" here and have worked here for the past almost 5 years. 

Either this will continue to be a place where I can grow and flourish or God will set the table elsewhere for me to grow and flourish some where else.

But I am livid. 

Her ability to move the way she does is inconsiderate and disrespectful and rude as shit. 

And no one has the capability to correct that behavior.  They just let her. 

I grew up in a very "govern yourselves but only to the limits I set that you don't know exist." 

I'm not fucking with that. 

~

Okay I know one of my biggest issues is intellectualizing my feelings so the rest of this is just going to be how I feel not what caused it inside of me what part of it might not be 100% somebody else's fault none of that just how I feel. And I'm also doing voice to text so here we go. Trailer f****** pisses me off she one of our employees emailed me and cc'd her he wanted to get a limit raise on his car and he said I remember you telling me to let you guys know and I was like yes correct channel then approves it I cannot remember a time since I've been here where Chandler has approved a limit on an amex. So what did I do I went to Andrea said hey this is happening I'm pretty sure Troy does that does he not and she goes yeah as much as I know that we try as she only done it before and I was like no tell me even calls us when there's something she needs for her limit and when marketers they don't put channel on an email they patron an email and when they call me and ask me about it I tell them to put Troy on email. So that's what I do I emailed her separately and I say hey ownership it needs usually does this or need to do this I'm going to look them in. Said that. So I emailed Troy and go hey so instead wants to limit on his car this much let me know your name. Going to my business because I did my part I communicated that with Taylor I'm moving on to better things she texted upon herself female Troy and go basically a passive aggressive way of saying I don't know what the f*** she talking about but set the record straight. Which immediately pissed me off cuz b**** who the f*** are you talking to in that town if you want to f****** ask him a question ask him a m************ question but fix your f****** attitude. It was very much a I don't know the last time things change and I can't do this but no b**** no. So I'll leave it alone if he's going to respond he's going to respond later on that day he followed up on an invoice he thought he sent over he didn't I've heard the check there called it a day never said anything a word so today Andrea asked about it says had said anything go ahead and follow up so we can get that done cuz Christian needs his limit right. So I follow up. But what does Troy say oh yeah not exactly but he says oh yeah we're all good thought Charlie took care of that. No the f*** you didn't think she took care of it because if you did you would have emailed me and you would email Taylor back and also said oh yeah that's good that's great moving forward she is good to approve these you can keep me cc'd on it so I don't know what's happening didn't do that instead he let shitfire go and then say if I can work. And now he has this passive answer where he's not going to take a side he's just going to say oh yeah she can do that you could have did that yesterday and we wouldn't be here. You need to take the responsibility of standing in the middle and going hey yeah that's approved Chandler can also approve it so we're all good on that point on that front with a sweatshirt and everything out I would have been like okay just want to make sure I'm doing my job and Shirley like Steve whatever. but that immediately took me back to growing up and me doing the right thing but somehow still ending up in s*** because nobody wants to stand up and say what's right what's wrong what's whatever make a f****** stand it should not be my responsibility to do the right thing and when somebody comes in hot with a f****** attitude and does not get checked which means that she can talk to me that way because nobody said the f****** thing about it and that ain't going to fly. This is the second time she has took and tone with me over a f****** email in the time and I do it I don't want to hear s*** about it and I don't want to f****** deal with it I'm not dealing with it is what's going to happen I'm sending it somewhere else I'm not taking that. So I'm immediately pissed because don't give me that s*** and if y'all want to take the tone of men being this and being that be a f****** man about it and do your f****** job. Love him dearly but no. You're half acidness will not suffice. You're not taking care or either of us it's not respectful to either of us do your job stand in the middle and say what does it what does not go so we can both move forward and also check that b****'s attitude cuz no. It's a f****** problem that she is talking to me like that cuz she's probably also talking to other people like that no you're not my f****** boss you're my co-worker if you were my boss I'm not working in under those conditions anymore. So no I'm respectful to you you respectful me don't be a f****** b****. And that immediately made me want to fight I was so ready to fight. And I know Andre could see it because she kept tiptoeing around it and not really addressing anything and going well you know choice just being passive cuz they don't want to be in the middle I am fully aware of what's happening it does not make it better and it does not make it right and does not make it something that I'm going to amount to being good enough because it's not. So I took a second to breathe and right in my journal and eat some food because I was just living and I knew that nothing I could do was going to be done correctly in that moment so I just let it go no not let it go I put it on the shelf for later is what I did. so all all that's happening and my brain is trying to process I'm giving myself time to like breathe and think through things. Also see that tells me earlier that one of our offices got charged for account that's not theirs I'm just like what the f*** cuz this company is all so bad about doing things they're not supposed to do I go and check on it I don't get heated with them immediately I'm just like hey can somebody confirm the card for this too cuz I think there might have been a Vera didn't say it was their fault didn't say it was my phone look it up it is my fault I gave them the right information but I had to resubmit it this year and I must have been busy in the recent mission for everybody and accidentally forgot to change the card number on that account this copy and pasting and all these things so I got that sorted out told them to please use this car moving forward to correct that issue. So after I kind of calm down settle down and get back sort of regulated cuz I also don't appreciate people not letting me be mad let me be mad and let me deal with these feelings because I do not come up often and I need to learn how to process them so let me do that. And also early in the day me and Audrey had a conversation about sex because I get tired of the idea of life we are still people at the end of the day cuz then she goes back to nature and like also the idea like well you haven't had sex so you don't know I f****** understand that and I'm not discounting the fact that women are more emotional they're more expensive because we get to be we're taught that that's the thing men are not giving that they aren't taught that they're taught to work a certain way we are conditioned we're conditioned we aren't wired biologically it's conditioning and if you can grasp on to that and understand that it can help you navigate things better and help you empathize when issues come up so you can work to fix them. But then she kind of started to get it because her just said you have had sex was just being dismissive and I wasn't going to have that we weren't arguing it's just a matter of I don't think that way I understand that you do and I understand what you're thinking. So we had a conversation being dismissed pissed me off but the conversation did not. And even when she went to nature and she was like yeah even in nature like does cut those couples all those animals don't stay together they usually procreate and they move on and I was like correct. Well she called it the animal kingdom because I brought that back up and put it out on front street. It's just like any animal kingdom those male animals will mate and then like that's it that's all they do they just procreate and I was like correct she's like but like we as people can we be more like deer or more like doves and more like those are still animals and that's where the spectrum of love and affection and all these things come into play because nothing's black and white the way we think it is we live in a world full of Gray and that black and white thinking is part of the issue I didn't say that and detail just like yeah those are still animals at the end of the day and that's how spectrum comes into play because nothing is exactly the same all the time there are layers to all that and I was like even biblically it was not women who needed a man it was a man that got created and then created a woman to go with him so set the record straight on that too many to death in the beginning. The same way we needed them and it's not one more than the other. So I've had that discussion I was also introduced her to ask for real and I was like listen to her podcast because she shares a lot of her therapy sessions where the big thing of sex is an issue and she addresses that how it plays a role in everybody's alive special what they think they know about sex meanwhile they do not know about themselves. And also brought up soul ties and how the church guilt people guilt women into having monogamous sex in a marriage while men get to live footloose and fancy free out here in these f****** streets. And how I do not believe in that theory because while we're saying your First Love and all these days in your soul it's really not that it's just that that is your first connection outside of your family and because you don't really know yourself and when life happens to shock to your system and it's something you're not prepared for because it is pain like you've never felt because you've never had a connection that you get to pick and all this is just very layered so I was giving her the gist of that and like there's more to it than you're thinking it's not that you are wrong is that it's more later than that. So also that's coming up to like this being dismissing that conversation in the same is just where I'm being dismissed by Troy being dismissed by chandler. So it's all just coming up and pissing me off for different reasons. So after I got back regulated as good as I could giving the situation and came back to self that's okay hey Andrea can I email Chandler about the new Amex process and she said yes so I do that this channel say anything of course not the b**** don't say s***. But I do send an email especially saying hey I talked to Troy and let me know you're good to approve these changes in the past I have gone to him so I was unsure if that was the case so I wanted to make sure to make sure I wasn't in the wrong said in a more corporate way but this is the gist of the message beneath all the corporate dragon. And moving forward when they're requesting a limit raise please be sure you're on the email and Troy is also on the email for visibility that's it that's all. Never said if I can work do I think she's going to do it no do I hope she'll do it yes. But she is a f****** problem and her name has just come up so much this week and we've had to feel so much dealing with her so for the dental land in my lap pissed me smooth the f*** off because don't do that you big and bad over these f****** emails and you meet me who is behind on me that you think you know we can have a f****** problem well not even we are going to have a f****** problem. So in conclusion I was able to express myself honest on this journal entry even though it wasn't all of everything earlier today was enough to make me feel a little better about getting it off my chest I was able to give myself time with Troy and like hey I don't know that she's available to do that she's ordained authorized to do that so this is me doing my job in order for me to do my job I need you to say something and I need her to be respectful this is enough witch Hunt for town I don't give that big of a s*** so I did I would not be talking to her and I would not be talking to Troy. I don't know what idea of how things work that she has in her head that don't f****** work for me and it shouldn't work for anybody and anybody having to deal with that that's b*******. I do not appreciate tone and I do not appreciate being dismissed and I do not appreciate the idea of like well I'm not really going to say anything no f****** down say what you mean so I can move on to get my f****** job done. Okay. That's it that's how I felt and I was anger I was holding on to and inside my body. Because the the little child and me came out and was pissed immediately there was a lot of work of getting that work back inside myself. Because I can tell Andrea was trying to work on it but it was not working cuz I was like you don't know how to navigate this you don't have to let it ride because there is nothing that you can do to make me feel better right now in this moment let me be angry. Cuz she was trying to briefly explain Troy ask me a little questions here and there she was very pointed and very straight and I was like no I get you trying to make this okay it's not okay and it's not going to fly cuz every time she said that I was like yep. I was just getting along very short yep I like dragging it out and that's the only word I'm saying with the tone because I have nothing that is helpful to add out loud right now so I'm going to say nothing I'm going to do my f****** job because that's what they pay me to do. But if this is what it's going to be like long term I don't need this energy. I would much rather work somewhere when I am appreciated I am protected and I am respected. And I cannot get that here I will have to start looking somewhere else again. I had enough change this year alone so listen God continue to order my steps continue to bless me continue to guide me it's just going to help look out for your girl because I'm going through it. But I am very proud of the way that I handled it because I know I did the right thing and doing the right thing is f****** it sucks ass sometimes because not everyone is expected to do the right and I can't get it out cuz I'm left in the market the more it's hard to talk with it. Doing the right thing is not expected out of everyone and that is what pisses me off the most. And not in a way of there is no empathy and there is no give or take for like people being human it's on a level of here is what it's expected of you and I get if you fall short sometimes but meet me back where I am so we don't have to do that anymore but her repetitive version of being a shitster and I go f****** fly and I guess I will not be in the middle of that I don't guess I know I won't be in the middle of that I'm not dealing with that that's torture and torment at a job where I work every single day to help maintain that company as well every single day so no I'm not f****** doing that that's a misery and I don't want to be miserable I want to be helpful I want to do my f****** job without some little whiny ass b**** trying to throw her f****** way around b**** you wait 96 lbs calm the f*** down before you get manhandled at your f****** desk how about that how about that. In the meantime I'm going to hope and pray that she gets her f****** attitude in check and somebody said something to her about that f****** attitude and the way she talks to people and our f****** company well I'm going to sit down and have a chat with her on the record cuz I'm not doing that