what living looks like

I love her and I don't know what to do I'm at Jordan's. I left my dog at home. I am high. I am drunk. I am in Jordan's guest room while she tries to work on a man who is flabbergasted in front of her.  She's probably hooking up and I am a 29 year old virgin in love with someone who refuses to address me or talk to me.  I'm not sad but I feel like that's a sad statement to make.  I'm....maybe I am sad? Because this idiot man is in his forties and doesn't know how to make small talk with a girl. Instead he points out the fact that I'm crocheting (which, fuck you. Eat my ass) but you are attracted to this girl sitting next to you and don't know how to make conversation. How to seduce her? How to get to know her? Just talking in circles, saying borderline cancelable things, and having bad timing. And his friend left so I am laying wide awake in bed as not to cockblock. I had strong emotional conversations with Candice. We bonded. We shared. We ex...

I'm still a little sad this morning BUT I did get a new bedroom sunset lamp thingy.  And I set the timer to automatically turn off and on. It's been nice to wake up to and fall asleep to.  And, remember my trip on being alone from yesterday? Well guess who was at Chick-fil-A when they saw a message from Tatum wanting to work from home today? And Andrea had already said last week that she's taking off today.  So it's just me. Alone. But at work.  ~ I'm just gonna lay on the floor for the last five minutes before work starts.  ~ It's been 7 minutes. I flushed out some goals for next year while I got a text from Tatum to please turn on her computer and that picture of Grant with Candice and her girlfriend and some more people popped up again while I was trying to distract myself from my feelings with Facebook. Fuck a duck.  ~ Am I Good Luck Chuck ? Did I have an emotional affair with Candice only to lose my gym, lose what felt like my person, and have her buil...

I woke up to pee and went to Facebook to do some browsing. The first picture I see is of Grant and a few other of my friends with a girl that looks a lot like Candice's girlfriend. So then I think "... there's no way" only to look behind Grant and see Candice. Fuck her.  ~ I am livid.  ~ I just woke up and I do not want to cry.  Today is the first day in forever that I've woken up early on a weekend and felt ok. Didn't have the urge to fall back asleep. And then this.  Fuck her. Fuck this.  We are clearly not the same. We are different people and don't need to be anywhere near each other.  Because if you can drag me close to you, reject my rejection and then tell me to quit is fucking crazy.  And then her girlfriend is at the gym party?! She obviously lives here. If this weekend was meant to further push Candice out of my brain, it is working. ~ I also went to her Instagram because let's drill this pain the fuck home. What the actual fuck? I get that G...

Maybe i dont need to be concerned or worried about her.  Maybe Candice is actually fine. What if she is ok with all of this? She's obviously got people joining still. She's still gonna move the gym.  Maybe she's fine. 

This morning I've been very happy because I hung out with Andrea while she worked late last night.  But also I have started in on my Candice "reprogramming" So I've been saying lots of things that I don't want to get into but the last of them was: "she does not feel the same why I feel and that is very clear" But then I heard the playback in my mind of our last call where she said "I know what's it's like to have feelings for someone and they not be available" Number one: fuck Number two: so she was probably going to just string me along and have a situationship until the cows came home ~ So... I don't think Candice is doing well. And this isn't me trying to make her a martar or however that's spelled. This is me caring about someone I care about even though they hurt me. We briefly talked about her tonight. I went out with Laura and Andy. And I was only slightly worried about third wheeling but it was actually lots of fun. ...

I'm a little tired of the "put somebody in place, they'll figure it out" routine that keeps putting selfishly driven people in positions of authority with no consequences for their actions.  And Idk how much longer before this "tiny" problem makes me not want to come in to work.  Also, my brain is really fucking quiet today. The day just started. I'm tired, I've already cried a little.  But let me head in to work, where I'm the only one here right now.  ~ For a hot minute I left work to go pick up my prescription that I thought I had set for pickup on Saturday but apparently it was today cuz the guy texted me. Chandler and Jenny are back on their b******* has annoyed me I get in my car and I have been smelling this little stinky smell ever so often I couldn't really pinpoint what it is but I figured like some kind of outside getting inside my car turns out it's f****** water because how the left side of my vehicle when I'm sitting in ...

What sucks the most? I lost CrossFit and I don't think I'll ever get it back. It took me years to start over only to now have it gone for probably forever because it has heartbreak attached to it.  And I hate being around my CrossFit friends when they talk gym. Because I don't have that anymore and it's a reminder of what I'm missing, what I really really miss.  ~ My sister also texted me today. And I started journaling because as I'm ignoring her, the CrossFit group text is ablaze with Christmas joy and I have none.  ~ I finished my steak and potatoes. It was yummy.  I'm avoiding texting people today as long as I can.  I just finished eating and I deleted my last Facebook message to Candice, my last Instagram message to her, and the exchange between me and her girlfriend. 

Ive been seeing Mazdas everywhere, and thinking that maybe that meant Candice was getting closer.  She hadn't posted anything in a while and I was processing my feelings and thinking that maaaaaaybe MAYBE we would come together. And the lady with the last name that matches hers popping up on my Facebook? I thought maybe that was destiny. Maybe she was telling someone that she was in love with me and all these things. Maybe because it's Christmas, we'd share another moment. A text, a surprise, a stop by.  I'm not getting that. I'm not getting her.  There is no us. There won't ever be an us.  And maybe she just told that girl with her last name about a crazy bitch that tried to ruin her relationship and ruin her success. I mean nothing to her. We don't want the same thing. She doesn't want me. I am just another girl down the line of many that scratch whatever fucked up itch she refuses to address.  ~ So I just blocked her too.  Candice is still with her gi...

I'm realizing a lot and it's hitting pretty heavy.  I'm not angry or sad. I am a little stressed and worried. Maaaaaaybe a little sad.  The holidays are going to be difficult to me for probably a while.  I want to write about it but I don't want to physically type it out. I want to speak it but I also kind of don't right now. Sooooo... I'm gonna rest my mind for a bit more for now. 

I had a dream I was 69ing a girl last night.  I was SO turned on. And it was kind of easy...which was odd.  But I enjoyed it. The texture, the experience. Seeing where to put my tongue, giving it an open mouth kiss. And at one point, I moved my shorts to the side and pushed her head down. And THAT was even more amazing.  And I woke up on my period lol. 

Heading home and I am dysregulated. I am having a hard time with a lot of things. I don't mean hard as if as in unmanageable I mean hard as in difficult. It's not me being dramatic it's just a difficult thing to navigate. I've never had to deal with the leasing office and I am not enjoying the dealing with the leasing office. Andrea is finally realizing she doesn't like her living situation and she is not enjoying more and more of her job. I am not enjoying the feeling of being unsafe at my job. But on top of that my biggest worry about the living space is just me not having a place to park at the place I live. I almost paid for parking today but they never responded. I sent that one email that they never responded to so I sent the follow-up email they never responded to and then I went in the office yesterday and they were like oh it's adequate parking we've never had that can play before b**** don't f****** lie to me. So I know how to take up for mysel...

I had a dream about Candice.  I have a tiny crush on Sarah Caty from bookclub and she is s brunette but more of a smartsy artsy type. Also has glasses. It's a whole thing.  Yesterday was the most she's ever talked to me. Also, I should note, I think she's straight.  But she's usually stand offish but she approached me last night with small talk and I matched her energy. It was fun. It was nice.  And later that night, the babies came out. So I took one and sat beside her when Mia got up. And it was regular until everyone went into the kitchen and it was just me and her.  And we were talking and playing with the baby. And laughing. And she just sat there, staring at the baby-- I think. I'm pretty sure. But also, do people just stare at babies like that for what felt like 15 minutes or so. Or could they also be staring at me? .....I ended up staying late with Mia and her to give Mia a little break. They ordered food, we watched Elf and she was calling us Aunties. A...

What if I am an idiot. I'm having a moment bear with me. I just don't know I know everybody has their opinion on how things work and how things should go including me I don't know everything as much as I think I know everything but I am also having a hard time and as I'm writing this I pass by a car that looks exactly like penis is very white woman is driving. It looks exactly like Kansas car it's a Mazda it's blue and there's a white lady driving it. I have a handful of french fries and I am driving and doing voice to text in my journal about her. How am I not supposed to do things like that or a sign or they mean something. Cuz it looks like it's a f****** sign and it means something. And I don't know how to navigate like I don't know what I'm doing it's hard and it's different I don't know what happens. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I feel like my therapist will tell me to do it feels right just take care of mys...

Chandler is pissing me the fuck off.  ~ I am triggered and extremely dysregulated so I just decided to sit down and take my lunch. In my trauma brain, Chandler's attitude and the way she interacts when doing her job reminds me of my lifestyle growing up. And I know I may be wrong about who she truly is but this is my experience mixed with a little bit of "you got me fucked up". These bitch fits and pout sessions and cry me a river theatrics are getting fucking old. And the fact that no one wants to tell anyone what they should and shouldn't be doing or define any roles anyone has in this company for the betterment of working together is PISSING ME OFF! And this is why I wanted to be a stay at home mom. Because people fucking suck and I wouldn't have to leave my gotdamn house and worry about limiting myself for the sake of others if I didn't have the responsibility that required that.  I want to be a therapist. I want to help people who actually want help, even...

I thought about this last night and after hearing a poem about the love we internally have and exude is the love we're worried we'll never find from The Daily Victorian on Instagram. .....okay. I'm afraid that I'm cursed to live a life where I will always doubt how good I am, even when I'm surrounded by people who tell me all the time.

Hi, hello. I'm riddled with anxiety this morning. Friday a roach was under my mop I left on the floor because I forgot. And then Saturday I saw a tiny ant-sized one on my counter and another in my cabinet. And it triggered a bunch of visual memories from my childhood and I was not a fan of that on top of being paranoid about roaches. So I submitted a ticket for service request.  And then I found three tiny ant sized ones in my living room area. And they marked it as finished on Sunday and I was at home all day and not a single soul stopped by. So I commented on it immediately last night and submitted another request this morning that includes a screenshot of my previous ticket. I also requested that they schedule with me so I can make arrangements for my dog.  And they did not. But to be fair, I marked assessing my apartment as "yes". Won't be doing that again. And this morning around 9, they said they came by... I don't believe them and I want to advocate for mys...

So I'm still up and it's like almost men that was past midnight. I wanted to go see my EMDR therapist today right before our office Christmas party for whatever locations. For one of our locations. And we did brain spotting and I know I had it on my calendar that that's where we're going to be doing but I thought because we didn't last time too maybe she wouldn't do it again today and she's like you want to do it? LOL and she never makes me do anything she just ask me if I'm up for it and I thought about it for a second and I said yeah cuz I really want to know was bothering me. This morning in the driveway I took away almost half panic attack at Chick-fil-A in the Drive-Thru line. So that happened on my way into work I was feeling nervous almost had a panic attack on Chick-fil-A on and I'm just riddled with anxiety for the rest of the day. And that's me kind of exaggerating a little bit about the I didn't feel like something terrible was goi...

An old white man told me he liked my hair today. ~ I got rid of the mattress at the back of my car. Focus on that right now and figure out where I'm going to go get gas from.

Candice came on to me. After that first look we exchanged, we both kept our distance. Then she followed me on Instagram and we had that body scan and she texted me the next day to see if I was ok. And then she told me to come in and talk to her after I turned her down for another sit down. And then she asked me if I was single. And things started progressing and then she tried to push me away and I demanded we sit down again. And things continued. And she did not let me ignore her. She did not like it.  When I blocked her, she showed up. When we had that last call, she showed up.  ...did she let me quit because she couldn't.  Was this the only way for her to stop? I'm starting to think that's the case... She let me quit and even promoted the idea because she couldn't be around me? Because whenever we went toe to toe, she showed up. Whether it was working out beside me, cock blocking me, talking to me during classes, checking on me, having meetings, flirting by mocking ...