what living looks like

I'm realizing a lot and it's hitting pretty heavy.  I'm not angry or sad. I am a little stressed and worried. Maaaaaaybe a little sad.  The holidays are going to be difficult to me for probably a while.  I want to write about it but I don't want to physically type it out. I want to speak it but I also kind of don't right now. Sooooo... I'm gonna rest my mind for a bit more for now. 

I had a dream I was 69ing a girl last night.  I was SO turned on. And it was kind of easy...which was odd.  But I enjoyed it. The texture, the experience. Seeing where to put my tongue, giving it an open mouth kiss. And at one point, I moved my shorts to the side and pushed her head down. And THAT was even more amazing.  And I woke up on my period lol. 

Heading home and I am dysregulated. I am having a hard time with a lot of things. I don't mean hard as if as in unmanageable I mean hard as in difficult. It's not me being dramatic it's just a difficult thing to navigate. I've never had to deal with the leasing office and I am not enjoying the dealing with the leasing office. Andrea is finally realizing she doesn't like her living situation and she is not enjoying more and more of her job. I am not enjoying the feeling of being unsafe at my job. But on top of that my biggest worry about the living space is just me not having a place to park at the place I live. I almost paid for parking today but they never responded. I sent that one email that they never responded to so I sent the follow-up email they never responded to and then I went in the office yesterday and they were like oh it's adequate parking we've never had that can play before b**** don't f****** lie to me. So I know how to take up for mysel...

I had a dream about Candice.  I have a tiny crush on Sarah Caty from bookclub and she is s brunette but more of a smartsy artsy type. Also has glasses. It's a whole thing.  Yesterday was the most she's ever talked to me. Also, I should note, I think she's straight.  But she's usually stand offish but she approached me last night with small talk and I matched her energy. It was fun. It was nice.  And later that night, the babies came out. So I took one and sat beside her when Mia got up. And it was regular until everyone went into the kitchen and it was just me and her.  And we were talking and playing with the baby. And laughing. And she just sat there, staring at the baby-- I think. I'm pretty sure. But also, do people just stare at babies like that for what felt like 15 minutes or so. Or could they also be staring at me? .....I ended up staying late with Mia and her to give Mia a little break. They ordered food, we watched Elf and she was calling us Aunties. A...

What if I am an idiot. I'm having a moment bear with me. I just don't know I know everybody has their opinion on how things work and how things should go including me I don't know everything as much as I think I know everything but I am also having a hard time and as I'm writing this I pass by a car that looks exactly like penis is very white woman is driving. It looks exactly like Kansas car it's a Mazda it's blue and there's a white lady driving it. I have a handful of french fries and I am driving and doing voice to text in my journal about her. How am I not supposed to do things like that or a sign or they mean something. Cuz it looks like it's a f****** sign and it means something. And I don't know how to navigate like I don't know what I'm doing it's hard and it's different I don't know what happens. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I feel like my therapist will tell me to do it feels right just take care of mys...

Chandler is pissing me the fuck off.  ~ I am triggered and extremely dysregulated so I just decided to sit down and take my lunch. In my trauma brain, Chandler's attitude and the way she interacts when doing her job reminds me of my lifestyle growing up. And I know I may be wrong about who she truly is but this is my experience mixed with a little bit of "you got me fucked up". These bitch fits and pout sessions and cry me a river theatrics are getting fucking old. And the fact that no one wants to tell anyone what they should and shouldn't be doing or define any roles anyone has in this company for the betterment of working together is PISSING ME OFF! And this is why I wanted to be a stay at home mom. Because people fucking suck and I wouldn't have to leave my gotdamn house and worry about limiting myself for the sake of others if I didn't have the responsibility that required that.  I want to be a therapist. I want to help people who actually want help, even...

I thought about this last night and after hearing a poem about the love we internally have and exude is the love we're worried we'll never find from The Daily Victorian on Instagram. .....okay. I'm afraid that I'm cursed to live a life where I will always doubt how good I am, even when I'm surrounded by people who tell me all the time.

Hi, hello. I'm riddled with anxiety this morning. Friday a roach was under my mop I left on the floor because I forgot. And then Saturday I saw a tiny ant-sized one on my counter and another in my cabinet. And it triggered a bunch of visual memories from my childhood and I was not a fan of that on top of being paranoid about roaches. So I submitted a ticket for service request.  And then I found three tiny ant sized ones in my living room area. And they marked it as finished on Sunday and I was at home all day and not a single soul stopped by. So I commented on it immediately last night and submitted another request this morning that includes a screenshot of my previous ticket. I also requested that they schedule with me so I can make arrangements for my dog.  And they did not. But to be fair, I marked assessing my apartment as "yes". Won't be doing that again. And this morning around 9, they said they came by... I don't believe them and I want to advocate for mys...

So I'm still up and it's like almost men that was past midnight. I wanted to go see my EMDR therapist today right before our office Christmas party for whatever locations. For one of our locations. And we did brain spotting and I know I had it on my calendar that that's where we're going to be doing but I thought because we didn't last time too maybe she wouldn't do it again today and she's like you want to do it? LOL and she never makes me do anything she just ask me if I'm up for it and I thought about it for a second and I said yeah cuz I really want to know was bothering me. This morning in the driveway I took away almost half panic attack at Chick-fil-A in the Drive-Thru line. So that happened on my way into work I was feeling nervous almost had a panic attack on Chick-fil-A on and I'm just riddled with anxiety for the rest of the day. And that's me kind of exaggerating a little bit about the I didn't feel like something terrible was goi...

An old white man told me he liked my hair today. ~ I got rid of the mattress at the back of my car. Focus on that right now and figure out where I'm going to go get gas from.

Candice came on to me. After that first look we exchanged, we both kept our distance. Then she followed me on Instagram and we had that body scan and she texted me the next day to see if I was ok. And then she told me to come in and talk to her after I turned her down for another sit down. And then she asked me if I was single. And things started progressing and then she tried to push me away and I demanded we sit down again. And things continued. And she did not let me ignore her. She did not like it.  When I blocked her, she showed up. When we had that last call, she showed up.  ...did she let me quit because she couldn't.  Was this the only way for her to stop? I'm starting to think that's the case... She let me quit and even promoted the idea because she couldn't be around me? Because whenever we went toe to toe, she showed up. Whether it was working out beside me, cock blocking me, talking to me during classes, checking on me, having meetings, flirting by mocking ...