stress and worry

I haven't finished moving. 

I asked for help on Instagram but I don't think anyone took me seriously. 

I don't know what to do so I just keep making baby steps, hoping this will work. 

I did brain spotting yesterday and it sucked but it was really good for me.

I learned that I am in another phase of uncertainty and even though I am prepared and ready, my trauma brain gets triggered because I have been conditioned to believe that uncertainty means I'm not safe.

And alot of other stuff that made me ugly cry.

I'm having trouble accepting that all that I have given my family will probably never be reciprocated. I even asked my dad's daughter for help and I haven't heard a peep since.

Now I'm waiting on Tori to stop by and visit, secretly hoping she's like to help me bring furniture upstairs.

I have 2 pieces in my car still.

I have a desk at home.

I have a plastic container full of books.

I have a chest full of memories.

And I have cabinets full of kitchen stuff.

I don't know what I'm doing and my emotions of fear and worry and stress have been running SO HIGH that I can't seem to think my way through it. My logic has always been so loud and now I feel like I've lost it.

I'm scared. I am very afraid of where I am right now. I still have joy and excitement but I'm just as freaked out. 

~

I am blessed to have a fridge full of food.

I am blessed to have a freezer full of food.

I am blessed to have a pantry full of food. 

I have clothes, kitchen items, my dog. 

I was able to cancel that vet appointment because I remembered my sister took Nola to the vet. So I was able to use that visit to update her records and order dog food. 

I have everything I need.

I have everything I need. 

I have everything I need. 

My only worry is semantics. 

~

I got Nola a collar that fits.

~

I took my day gummy. I asked two of the gym girls if they knew anyone who could help me.

I'm still gonna see about getting the drill from Laura.

~

Malaina told me to be kind to my inner child because she's never gone through this and never thought it would happen. Adult me has planned and executed this the best I can in unsafe conditions. But there are still ties to the life I left that it's gonna be a while before it comes easy. 

So I've been trying to do that.

When I want to pull my hair, I check in.

When I want to cry, I do it when it feels safe. 

I sat and spoke my worries out loud with Andrea today.

I'm writing in my diary and trying to write more for my therapy page. 

I'm sprawled across the floor, letting Nola lick me. 

~

Also, I'm missing over 1/4 of my hair. Idk if I wrote that. I did manage to put my hair back up. And I have since been called beautiful by a stranger who touched and complimented my hair and felt it. And a man I'd never spoken to that night, flagged me down to wave food night and tipped his hat at me.

~

I am sitting naked and high in my chair, eating Taco Bell from Friday. 

This medicine makes a huge difference. AND I had fun chatting with Tori. 

She has now seen all my freaky Reddit stuff too lolol! Some stuff piqued her interest.