mixed bag

Feeling ok but unsure but also chill because I took day meds.

Pulling my hair a little.

I just never expected to miss Candice so much. And I intellectualized my attraction for her so fucking much that it takes effort mindfully miss her without villianizing her or bullying myself. 

And I just saw a picture of Jordan in her gym sweatshirt and it just makes me sad so then I get mad and then I want to go to her page to make myself cry because I am sad. 

So I just close that app and start journaling.

I also read an old interview of hers and I cannot believe she was so warm and open and easy with me. 

I'm mad at her for icing me out and deflecting and lying. 

But I also want her. 

I want to couch potato with her. I want her to wake me up when she goes off to work to say goodbye. And I never like my sleep broken. But I want her to do that. 

I want to come home drunk to her sleep on the couch because she waited on me. Or tried to. 

I want intimacy with her. 

There was also a point during Thanksgiving...

I felt like Austin was flirting with me. And I felt like Andrea felt that too because she kept popping in and putting space between us.

Anyway, there was a point during dinner where Austin was eating and in between bites he said "this is so good" or something like that and I froze because it felt hot. Like I know that wasn't for me but it felt sexual.  

And I would love to hear that from someone giving me pleasure. 

I kept imagining her on top of me, watching my face because she knows she is the first person to ever witness my reaction to being filled and know that she's changing my life in an instant.