forever first

I love you. 

And by that I mean, I'm pretty sure I am in love with you. 

The you I know and the you I haven't met yet. 

The you that brought me so much happiness and the you that confuse me to no end. 

I love the you that hurt me. 

I think about you when my mind is quiet and when my body is on fire. 

I want to do life with you. I want to spend the rest of my life happily and eagerly wrapped around your finger. 

I want to know what the weight of your head on my lap feels like as I rub your hair until you fall asleep. I want to learn the map of the muscles in your back as I run my hand up and down your body as you relax into mine. 

I want to look in your eyes forever. I want to know what they hold. 

I want to hold your face in my hand. I want to trace the edges of my favorite features along your face. 

I want to know what your hair smells like when you wake up. I want to know what your body smells like after a workout. 

I want you. I want you so fucking much. 

As I write this, my hope is that I get to read it to you one day. 

I want you to make me squirm, make me scream. 

Make me laugh, comfort me when I cry. 

I want to catch you staring and you don't look away.

I want you to want me. 

I want to give you all the love I know I have and that I don't yet know I possess. 

I want you. 

I wrote a love letter to you this year and didn't realize it until this month. 

I still feel that way and I cannot fathom a world where I stop.

As I write this, you're probably in bed with your girlfriend. Maybe she's your fiance now. Maybe yall have officially moved in together. 

Maybe I'm too late. Maybe I'll never get to be in love with you the way I'd like.  

But I am still holding on to hope that maybe things will change. 

Because how did you do it? How did you do it and why?

What about me drew you close? Close enough to refuse to leave me alone. 

But not close enough, I guess. 

I don't think I will ever forget about you and all the things you woke up in me. 

I don't think I will ever stop loving you and the only thing that hurts worse is not knowing how you actually feel about me.

But I think I know. 

I just...

I really wish you were mine. 

I wish I could meet your family, your friends. Know your stories and learn about your dreams.

...there's so much I want with and from you and it feels impossible to let all of that go.