arriving and thriving

I'm back at my apartment coming from Felicia's house and I think it's time I started journaling again. I know it hasn't been that long and I know that this is technically voice to text but I think it's time. And the thing that I've been thinking about lately is the fact that I've been called popular a handful of times now and that's never really happened before in my life ever and I really don't know what to do with that and I finally said it out loud today it felt good to say it in a moment of like I hear you but I don't feel that but I get what you mean but I'm not what you probably think I am with just a regular person. And partially while I'm riding today is the hell out of fields everything is a lot of things and today I went to Felicia's house and found out what those girls. It was Felicia Alyssa Lynette Sarah was also invited Camille and Chloe who are getting married. And we watch Love actually which is one of my favorite Christmas movies. And whenever Smith Felicia I didn't think she didn't like me but I knew there was something there and I just assumed that because we're both people of color there's only room for one of us cuz that seems to be a thing but I don't know and I don't know there's so much that I feel like I should recount and I don't really know if I want to do that. I have done friends giving with Jordan and her parents fancy house and that was a bunch of fun. I did Friends giving with book club and that's where lazy so I was popular without saying popular. And I meant Mia's babies who are so cute. And that gets to be confusing because they say she's straight. There's just a lot there's a lot and I think I don't ever think I did never think this is going to happen. And four person who never had goals in life to now have been in therapy it was like pulling teeth to set these goals and now they're actually coming to fruition it's weird. It's like this isn't my life sometimes but I know it is and I don't want to get too far away from the plot of like who I am as a person. And I know I'm not getting away from it cuz I still feel like the same person but I don't want to become this persona I feel like I'm becoming to other people and I know I can't control that but I really don't know what to do with that in the interim it's just a lot it conflicts with me. And also help we get for the first time cry like a baby cuz I felt like I was her in the movie character because I have lived in real life I didn't come out green but it came out yellow and my parents were not expecting that my family did not take well to it I was a joke for a while and it's all hehe haha until you grow up and meet other people and tell them that story and it's like oh that's pretty f***** up. So I don't know I really miss Candice and Christmas is around the corner and I don't know how to reach out to me I think about her all the time and remembering all the stuff that happened and now knowing her attraction and her pursues me and it's just it makes me sad makes me mad at myself making mad at her because she's spearheaded all this and then left me by myself but also allegedly cried all morning. And I just been talking a lot about her son and how his fiance is not great and all these things and I know the people have their own perspectives and yet again but it's so crazy how she can see that and she's coming to church with the fact that he is in a great relationship and it's also how cheating happens AKA all that compassion you did not have for Candice and how you immediately villainized her which makes me mad again because why am I defending her and I don't even know I just feel like there's something there and there's something really good and we're really strong and she wants because it's not where she is. It's really f****** hard pills swallow.

~

There's also some stuff I'm not saying. But I guess now I'll be the best time to get that out so I guess I'll say it. Went to grab the list of my stuff today and my mother was difficult. She told me that she's having a party for Thanksgiving via text before I went over there and I found that out because according to her people couldn't help me move because of CPS and all of a sudden she's having a party for Thanksgiving. 

Also her earlier this week. Sorry I'm slurring because I had a gummy earlier this week I was on Facebook going through the friends they suggest to see what other gym people I have missed that I want to ask and just out of curiosity and this lady popped up white women brown hair a little bit older if her last name is the same as Candice and I was like oh s*** what are the chances that this is like her mother or something by the way why was she showing up not by the way either way why would she be showing up on my people you may know it's very odd because I only know one person with the same last name is Candice and that would be Candice. So that's also kind of been what's got me in a little mood because of that because what what is that about and the other thing is Wednesday Tuesday :-) no I think it was wednesday. Wednesday I went out to a bar because one of the gym girls is leaving to go back to some place she's going to have the country traveling and I forget why or where but Rafa had it going away party so I went cuz I was invited. And Jenny came who I thought used to be a coach at the gym but I guess she never stop being a coach. And this isn't the first time I've gone out and she been there it's like the second so this time when she was behind me she touched my shoulder it's like hey I don't think I know your name I haven't seen you around the gym and some kind of way asked me like do I go over there or something like that or maybe it was just the fact that she didn't know my name and hadn't seen me around the gym so I told her my name and I was like yeah I used to go to the gym and I quit earlier this year. Around the summer. And I know I made a face because I felt myself make a face and it wasn't a bad face it was just like a f*** man I'm going to be :-(.. I don't know why it's making sad faces that's not what I meant I just wanted to say :-(. Oh my God this is ridiculous anyway so also just feel like people were weird that night but it couldn't it could just be people just having it was a Wednesday so but I mean it was like God damn it is Jenny going to go talk to Candice about me as Ken is asking me about me have my name come up but I don't know that I don't want that because I just want her I don't want the drama I don't want the confusion confusion I don't want all the will they won't they just want us to be. But that kind of got me in my head and then like as the night went on Jenny's friend I can't remember her name but I worked out to her next at the gym one time and Candace also mentioned her to another Hispanic girl cuz she's also Hispanic I'm guessing she's around Jenny Jenny's age cuz he also got another country on the trip together. So she mentioned that she should bring her sons around us to hang out like meet some girls and I was like I hope that's not a hint of like b****** you straight yes or no. It's just a lot of things that had me a little bit on like high alert before I like to chill down and calm down. I just don't understand how you going from what we had to what we have now. And I thought p I was doing better. I know I'm doing better. But what was it was unexpected was that I went to therapy and we talked about the move and about my mom about that family dynamic but my friends and about my future and I gave a doorknob confession accidentally. I just thought this is going to be me saying hey I have been thinking about Candice she's coming up a lot and I feel like it's going to happen right now. I just wanted to bring it up so we would talk about it next time and then I immediately started crying and it took me a minute to put myself together because I didn't think I would get that emotional about it and I'm getting a little better now I'm getting emotional about it now I'm not I did not say the other portion address I thought I could just talk about it in therapy and not be emotional and nothing I could talk about it now and not be emotional and apparently I don't get to do that yet so it's just really hard and I thought that once I moved and got my own space and all these things that I would think about her anymore thought I was just using her to deflect from my own life being s***** I thought she was just a clutch a crutch crush I didn't think this was a surreal thing and then they got really felt all these feelings I just thought they would pass and go away because they weren't real to my surprise they are very real very f****** real. F***