what living looks like

Feeling ok but unsure but also chill because I took day meds. Pulling my hair a little. I just never expected to miss Candice so much. And I intellectualized my attraction for her so fucking much that it takes effort mindfully miss her without villianizing her or bullying myself.  And I just saw a picture of Jordan in her gym sweatshirt and it just makes me sad so then I get mad and then I want to go to her page to make myself cry because I am sad.  So I just close that app and start journaling. I also read an old interview of hers and I cannot believe she was so warm and open and easy with me.  I'm mad at her for icing me out and deflecting and lying.  But I also want her.  I want to couch potato with her. I want her to wake me up when she goes off to work to say goodbye. And I never like my sleep broken. But I want her to do that.  I want to come home drunk to her sleep on the couch because she waited on me. Or tried to.  I want intimacy with her....

I love you.  And by that I mean, I'm pretty sure I am in love with you.  The you I know and the you I haven't met yet.  The you that brought me so much happiness and the you that confuse me to no end.  I love the you that hurt me.  I think about you when my mind is quiet and when my body is on fire.  I want to do life with you. I want to spend the rest of my life happily and eagerly wrapped around your finger.  I want to know what the weight of your head on my lap feels like as I rub your hair until you fall asleep. I want to learn the map of the muscles in your back as I run my hand up and down your body as you relax into mine.  I want to look in your eyes forever. I want to know what they hold.  I want to hold your face in my hand. I want to trace the edges of my favorite features along your face.  I want to know what your hair smells like when you wake up. I want to know what your body smells like after a workout.  I want you. I ...

I went over to help Jordan put up her tree. Jordan was a virgin until 28. They know I like vibrators and I've had my nipples pierced. And they know my heart belongs to another. I didn't say who or anything. Grant was hinting at Jordan's cousin Chris and me to go out. And once I drunkenly caught on, the confession was the only thing I could think of. So I said, 'oh, my heart belongs to another who is unavailable to me' So....there's that. 

I'm back at my apartment coming from Felicia's house and I think it's time I started journaling again. I know it hasn't been that long and I know that this is technically voice to text but I think it's time. And the thing that I've been thinking about lately is the fact that I've been called popular a handful of times now and that's never really happened before in my life ever and I really don't know what to do with that and I finally said it out loud today it felt good to say it in a moment of like I hear you but I don't feel that but I get what you mean but I'm not what you probably think I am with just a regular person. And partially while I'm riding today is the hell out of fields everything is a lot of things and today I went to Felicia's house and found out what those girls. It was Felicia Alyssa Lynette Sarah was also invited Camille and Chloe who are getting married. And we watch Love actually which is one of my favorite Chris...

I am standing in my bathroom , with a candle lit, the lights off.  In my apartment. Mine. I was just laughing at my TV in my living room and sitting on a carpet my friend gifted me, doing my art at the table in my living room that I put together. High on my prescription cannabis, of course. And I'm happy. I think I'm happy.   I'm also very grateful to not only have this perspective on life, but be able to share it. Even if only a handful of strangers ever see my account. 

I haven't finished moving.  I asked for help on Instagram but I don't think anyone took me seriously.  I don't know what to do so I just keep making baby steps, hoping this will work.  I did brain spotting yesterday and it sucked but it was really good for me. I learned that I am in another phase of uncertainty and even though I am prepared and ready, my trauma brain gets triggered because I have been conditioned to believe that uncertainty means I'm not safe. And alot of other stuff that made me ugly cry. I'm having trouble accepting that all that I have given my family will probably never be reciprocated. I even asked my dad's daughter for help and I haven't heard a peep since. Now I'm waiting on Tori to stop by and visit, secretly hoping she's like to help me bring furniture upstairs. I have 2 pieces in my car still. I have a desk at home. I have a plastic container full of books. I have a chest full of memories. And I have cabinets full of kitche...

I paid rent and haven't checked my budget spreadsheet. My mom texted me, literally at 7 am this morning about an ETA on me finishing the move.  I had to make a bet appointment for Nola to get the food she needs cause that's low. And I just dropped $147 at Target one more stuff for my apartment. I need to move furniture and my sister hasn't said anything, Andrea and Robert didn't come over.  I did redo my hair so that's done.  I'm worried. I have too much up in the air with no real plan. I do want to buy a drill, I guess. At least then I can take the furniture apart like Tatum suggested and bring it upstairs myself.  I'm getting worked up in my head and it has a lot to do with my mom's text because she hit a stresser I'd been talking myself away from.  I can put Nola's appointment on my Vet card. I know I have enough to pay the Target order off of my credit card... And now that I think about it, it may have gone on the other one which is also fine...

I finally did it. I took down my hair and came face to face with what I've done. I'm also high on night time edibles. I have about 25% of my hair missing and there's no way people don't notice. Right? Idk what else to do. I'm gonna make it my goal to do 3 things: Wash my hair once a week. Take my medicine at least once a day.  Redo my hair every 2 months. I want my hair. I want my hair back. I loved my hair.  I love my hair and I hate that it's gone. So much is gone. But I'm gonna try to grow it back because I want it back. I want my fluffy hair. I want to roll my eyes at parting my hair out. I want to spend a day doing my hair.  I want to love myself again.