out and about

I cannot believe I fell in love with her

I'm drunk.  And a little high. 

And I cannot believe I fell in love with her 

She has my heart and I have not hers

~

She doesn't give an actual shit about me. I need to move on. It's tome

~

So much is happening in my life. I got grinded on my a stranger lol. It felt good because I immediately assumed it was a girl. Twas not loo. But I thumbs up him and he politely disappeared thank God. He didn't disappear but he stopped grinding on me which was nice. 

Also I love Candice and it's more and more apparent the more I meet new people. And I don't think she loves me. 

I think she liked me but that was it. Das all. 

~

Okay. I'm going to keep writing in this one via voice text because I started this this morning even though I partied last night up until this morning. Lol. Okay so Maddie came over last night. And not Maddie as in Madeline Maddie as in Matt the old coach from the gym. So I'm just going to start calling him Matt because I know that Google is not going to pick up my Annunciation of Matty correctly. Who knows I don't know. Oh my God a car that looks like Candice is driving up and I really hope it's not I don't think that's her car. Anyways. I understand why Candice would have fired coach maddie. And I hate to say that because she's not my favorite at the moment for my own personal reasons but that man is a douche. Sophie's boyfriend called it and I was like I do think this guy's decent so he might not be lying about Maddie but we don't see. It took not even 10 minutes and I was like oh no he is terrible. Like I've never felt uncomfortable around Sophie's boyfriend he doesn't tell stupid jokes he tries to be polite tries to even be mindful of like hot topics right now. And like making sure he's saying the right thing that's not offensive. Which I would not expect a white man to do. But he be doing it. So when Maddie got there and started showing his ass I was taking it back. But not really cuz he is a white man. Before he even got there he was messaging and calling Brittany and Sophie was in the club we just go so well to say. Sophie was in the club and we have been outside standing out there for a second looking for her but she hadn't showed up just yet. And she was like I was on the phone with Maddie and I was like who is Maddie is that one of her roommates no it is a coach from the gym. She was on the phone with him and so between the bar the club and Jordan's house Maddie is on and off the phone with britney. He can figure out where to go he is drunk he needs a place to crash la la. Which is okay. But they're not that close none of them are that close to him except Britney suck this dick one time and I was like oh my god. but at the age of 36 and getting drunk and not having a place to go that you've already planned for while to me. And I didn't really think too much about it I was like okay things do happen but that is pretty crazy that he would go out and get drunk and I know how he's getting back home. But then he got there and I was like I'm going to keep my opinion as as I predicted based on him getting drunk and not having nowhere to stay. Because I didn't take an edible last night at the club and before I took the edible I'll look to Brittany in the face and she was like you can send me and I was like bet. I'm taking this edible right now. So I knew where I was going when I got intoxicated but he did not. So we're at Sophia's house we're at Jordan's house we are all drunk and except for Sophie's boyfriend he was sober he was working so he came to get us so sweet. But we are at Jordan's house and we are all pretty drunk I'm still drinking Britney still drinking Jordan still drinking I don't think Sophie was at the time. but we're all having our little fun and Maddie shows up after Sophie's boyfriend has given us to run down about how he feels about him and then Sally's boyfriend was immediately proved to be correct. Maddie got there machismo mode was activated. He was telling sex jokes nobody asked for making comments trying to upset Sophie's boyfriend trying to throw his man way around man splining Jordan's grill to her even though it's her grill and she knows what the issue is. It was a little embarrassing for him but I don't think he was because I think that's how he is. Which is crazy. But he did all that and I was like wow I did not expect any of this at all that's pretty nuts. And he got so bad at certain points I was trying to distract him so he would sit down and shut up or change the subject so he would shut up. And it was barely working. Sometimes he can get distracted enough cuz he was drunk and wasn't paying attention so he would recalibrate kind of but then sometimes it just didn't work and I was like God damn it. But yeah I think Candice was right in firing him and every time I try to find a reason to not trust her judgment or make me upset behind her it doesn't f****** pay it out. And that upsets me more. Because apparently one of the coaches is leaving and they're having a going away party and I was like oh my God what does she do in my head but Jordan was like he's just his CrossFit careers taking him somewhere else and I was like m*********** and Katie's just do not wrong. And people really don't like her because I don't know her and I'm not mad but I am a little mad because I do and now she is not in my life at all. In the more I meet people the more I'm like these connections don't just happen I saw a girl I liked at art gallery yesterday and she was so nice. And I was like she is cute she is tall she is brunette cuz apparently I have a tag. And it just wasn't there the way it was with Candice I don't know what that's about. But the coach had to go out of way party and something else happened at the gym where all the coaches were together and they took a picture. Candice was in the picture. Which makes sense but I was like damn I'm drunk as a skunk I met a gay couple who's getting married one of Alyssa's friends at arts goggle I saw the cute girl at arts goggle Alyssa has a crush on Sarah it was so much gay activity. And that tickles me to say that but it is so true there was so get so much gay activity and I really really enjoyed it but I'm not benefiting from it because I don't have the girl I want to be gay with. I don't have the girl I want to be gay with. I know that maybe things will change but I don't know if she hasn't hit her I don't know if she wants that that bad you just don't know but knowing everything about her I don't see how she doesn't want it but I also do I just don't like it I don't like it I don't want to have to meet her years from now and then we reconnect I want her now but her now is not who I want if that makes sense. She's not there yet and when she gets there yet what if she's not there yet for me but if she is there to decide she wants something else upsetting reality that pisses me off because the Miami other people and see all these couples are like f*** I really want that with her and I don't with her. A little part of me was like maybe I'll see her tonight maybe when we do meet we'll be at a restaurant and she'll bring me a quesadilla and I will find it so romantic together. For sure buy me a margarita and send it to me and we'll run off into the sunset together just something romantic sigh that Google stop listening to me but deep sigh deep dramatic side entered here. Also Sophie invited me to her boyfriend's family function next weekend I think they like me I'm going to be very honest I know a lot of girls I've met will start hanging out with we get along I thought Jordan were just being kind I literally was at Sophie's party last night and I was like oh she is so nice to just invite me out just so she has like people here maybe I am her only other black friend. She has a girl who I'm sure it's mixed her sister her mother were there they were like two other black girls over there and I'm like oh my God I'm not the only black friend oh my God these are all her close friends in the family oh my God this girl wants me genuinely wants me to be around I don't know what that's like not so f****** crazy to me drama drama is in there. Not drama drama trauma. I meant trauma so everywhere you see the word drama I meant drama. Okay but that's all I'm not sad I don't want to cry I didn't cry last night I crash it Jordan's place it was good it was fun it was okay like I'm okay I'm just had a moment of realization around like damn there's a good chance I will not get the life how long with Candice I don't f****** serious right now what the f*** okay there was a car being stupid let me go ahead and just in this right now so I'll be back later

~

I woke my computer up and the home screen said "it's time to move on".

~

I started watching In Treatment and looooove it. 

I was mentally being hard on myself today and needed a distraction. I feel ugly, like Candice really didn't ever like me, like everyone I know just feels sorry for me, that I'm not cute, people just pity me and pretend. No one really likes me to sum it up. 

And I know that's not true but what if it is? Because it just might be.