what living looks like

Candice and I are never gonna happen.  She's never gonna leave Ashley and she hates me. And my mother has started being petty.  It's just me, by myself. And I know I have friends and stuff I may never have love.  Candice was the closest I've ever gotten and she was never even mine.  Now she has me, the mistake, running around and... Ugh. I'm an idiot.  I'm an idiot.  ~ She wanted me gone and made it happen and then I wouldn't leave her alone.  And I doubt anyone actually believes anything happened between us.   And my mother wanted me gone and she got what she wanted.  ~ I small part of my wants to not drive home and cry all day but I know I need to see my friend.  ~ She broke brain and my heart and doesn't have a single shit. No remorse. No apology. 

Kaylin jokingly told me tonight that she saw Candice when she was at the gym with Tori. Candice fist bumped Tori and then ignored Kaylin. She says that maybe she saw she removed her good review because of what went down between us.  And maybe I am an idiot. And maybe that means Candice hates me.  I went to her page to further drive home the punishment.  Maybe she does hate me and why wouldn't she.  Apparently my own mother does.  I thought I wanted to write about this but I really don't. I just want to go home, have fun, finish moving and try to move on.  Maybe Candice was just a flop for me. Maybe I was just the rock bottom she needed to jump back into gear.  Trips with her girlfriend, celebrating the gym and all the blah blah blah.  She's.... I'm nothing to her but a bother.  She hates me, wanted me out of the picture, and she got everything she wanted.  And I'm...just here. 

My poops have been WILD.  It was so watery my first night here. And then I thought I was constipated.  And now I'm on my period and I have been on the toilet for like 45 minutes with it falling out, off and on. 

My feet hurt, I'm nervous, I'm excited, I'm in disbelief a little. And nighttime high.  I moved a LOT today. Robert and Andrea came. They brought me some starter snacks, condiments, foods lol. Tissue and paper towels. They helped me move a load and they put together my bed. I have to do the drawers later but I have a bed! Things I'm worried about: 1. Telling Lynette and Alyssa about my mom tomorrow 2. Them moving up and down so many stairs 3. Not moving everything  4. Not being able to go to home this week  Here's my moving plan - desk & clothes with Lynette - plastic containers, dressers with me - kitchen stuff with Alyssa  ~ Alyssa is out lol.  But she did send the sweetest message.  Also, I got invited to two parties in the past two days,!! 

I'm high.  I've been worried about telling my mom I'm moving, thinking she'd actually care about where I'd be going.  Guess what she said instead? Turns out, I was worried about her actually wanting to know where I end up, will I be safe, etc. I didn't realize that until I read the first thing she had to say.  And just like that, I know why I have to get out.  ~ I'm literally arguing with her now about letting my friends come in the house to help me move.  ~  This feels parallel to a few months ago.  I texted Laura and she helped me refocus. And she pointed out that she may be just thinking about the kids. I think it's more loaded than that but I'll go with it for now.  So I cried, I caved and I pulled all the containers out of my closet and sat them at my door.  I want to fully move tomorrow.  If not, by Sunday for sure. My focus is moving out and moving forward.  Moving out and moving forward. 

Candice stayed with that girl after all of that with me. What on earth did she tell her in order to keep that relationship? Am I an idiot for still feeling was what I feel for her...

I cannot believe I fell in love with her I'm drunk.  And a little high.  And I cannot believe I fell in love with her  She has my heart and I have not hers ~ She doesn't give an actual shit about me. I need to move on. It's tome ~ So much is happening in my life. I got grinded on my a stranger lol. It felt good because I immediately assumed it was a girl. Twas not loo. But I thumbs up him and he politely disappeared thank God. He didn't disappear but he stopped grinding on me which was nice.  Also I love Candice and it's more and more apparent the more I meet new people. And I don't think she loves me.  I think she liked me but that was it. Das all.  ~ Okay. I'm going to keep writing in this one via voice text because I started this this morning even though I partied last night up until this morning. Lol. Okay so Maddie came over last night. And not Maddie as in Madeline Maddie as in Matt the old coach from the gym. So I'm just going to start calling him...

My car is religiously being stuck in gear every so often I'm not having fun. It's actually stressing me out and I try so hard to accommodate for what might be the issue and my car doesn't seem to care don't know what the f*** to do cuz I get out of fort to keep doing I don't go into the shop all the goddamn time it's stressful. And I know my little baby is 10 years old well 14 years old but I'm trying I'm really trying I don't know what else I could possibly f****** do. So I'm going to pull over and turn it off cuz it keeps doing it and turn it back on I didn't get back on the road so I can go to work and make money to fund my lifestyle. So I'm pulling into the parking lot of the outlet near my house I'm going to turn it off hopefully give her a little minute to get it together and I'm going to turn it on I expect to not have this issue. If I could just get in my car and not stress about what may or may not be wrong with it do not...

I unraveled the second blanket I was making at Andrea's house. I didn't want to keep doing it by hand but I love that yarn. So I found a pattern I love and started it yesterday.  Saturday the apartment called to tell me I was good and needed to submit check stubs.  And then Tori texted yesterday to tell me she was in town if I wanted to get brunch. Hopped on that immediately. And this morning I felt like I didn't want to go. And then she mentioned wanting to go to First Watch. And I didn't want to go there because that's where I had brunch with Candice. Same chain, different location. So I found another spot because it seemed closer and me and Tori had been there before. She really wanted First Watch and found a location midway between us so that's where we went.  And it was fun. I miss talking to her and hanging out. We share family struggle and trying to find our way to the life we want but we're trying.  It was really good.  But that's another thing r...

I just had to unfollow a girl on Instagram because I got triggered. I've been having a good run as of late. A little high right now and fine other than just being triggered. There was this girl with a BPD disorder account that I was following to learn and see how people with BPD see themselves to get a little insight on how Candice may see herself. Every so often one will get to me and today one not home hard. She posted about liking someone for 5 seconds and thinking they're their soulmate. And then people in the comments were laughing and saying how they do that and they're in a long-term relationship. And it immediately punched me in the chest because Candice was and still is in a long-term relationship.  And maybe I was just her hyperfixation. Her pitstop mistake on her neverending journey.  I was just a symptom of her diagnosis.  Nothing more than a blip.  A distraction. A regret.  No one.  ~  I thought maybe we'd find ourselves and then find each...

I think I'm gonna apply for that apartment. I like it, I think it will be fine. Lacey texted me. Libby from the gym reached out to her as a Coach, asking how has it been since they last saw her. Number one: please don't let me get one of those. Number two: it was a very cold, cold call a la text. It's clear how disconnected people are because of how clinical the gym is. Which just reminds me of how non-clinical my relationship with Candice was. ~ This is all a coincidence. The gym would have reached out to Lacey even if we weren't friends. Me posting us has nothing to do with that.  It's a coincidence. She was a member who got injured during soccer and just hasn't gone back since.  It's normal for them to check on her. 

I'm high. I've had a good day.  Lots of things.  I'm on my prescription drugs tonight. I definitely feel high in my body.  Like the soles of my feet feel high. Which is weird lol. It's like they feel super relaxed but surely my feet aren't tense all day.  It's a very pleasant feeling nevertheless.  My mind knows my body feels high but my mind doesn't feel super cloudy. I feel coherent but also know I'm high. It's weird but I like it.  I am pulling my hair because I'm nervous about all of this. Making friends, finding an apartment, medical cannabis, work, my relationship with Andrea. All the things. I want to trust that I can make good decisions for myself.  ~ I just can't believe I'm doing this. I can't believe I've come this far. Aaaaaaaand a romantic song just started playing.   I don't think they'll ever be a time in my life that I see a Mazda and instantly remember what it felt like being with Candice. She has such a b...

I keep seeing Mazdas but that's not why I'm here.  Today is 10-4. My grandaddy always said that all the time.  And we got pedicures at work today. At one point, I looked at the nail tech and saw his name tag.  It said Henry. That's my grandaddy.  ~ I made therapy art for the first time in almost 4 months to the date. It was beautiful. And I rediscoveredy love for Calvin and Hobbes. I used to read the comic books when we went to Books A Million as a kid. Reading them now is very telling to who I was inside as a kid.  Those spoke to me then and I had no real grasp of "real life". My perspective wasn't really profound because it was limited to my age. And now that I've expanded and experienced so much, I have such a respect for the creator as well as myself. 

I got prescribed medical cannabis today and it felt surreal.  I'm a little scared of the dosage but I'm looking forward to the experience.  She explained that CBG has good studies in regards to unlearning harmful beliefs and the CBN is gonna really help my sleep  ~ High on my own supply and me and Laura are texting and she said.  Candice was on another persons podcast and he goes "where's home?" She says "well Fort Worth now, but that's not the goal" So she hasn't moved nor has her girlfriend.  Laura also immediately apologized for bringing her up, which was sweet.  I don't know how Candice does what she does. I'm actually a little worried.  The affair with me, her girlfriend, the gym moving.... But maybe her girlfriend never even believed me. Maybe she thinks I was lying and nothing changed between them.  Maybe they're fine and everything is ok and she never thinks about me.