work-aversary

I'm in a weird mental space. Not weary weird. Doing voice to text obviously lol. I don't know. I was thinking about how I felt Friday and I also talked to Audrey about getting rebel a gift for work because she's been moving around a lot. And I feel like when she gets settled in somewhere we should get her something as like a thank you for being so flexible. So I was thinking that I wanted to as I think. Okay I'm going to try to start over and do it again. I wanted to email Whitney to let her know I talked to Andrea and I want to get rebel a gift from the company for moving from place to place to place over the last few years. Once she puts down Roots somewhere cuz I know every time I talk to her something she brings up that she doesn't she's not fond of and to be fair I wouldn't be fun of it either. But I want to make sure I get credit for that because as things have gone lately I have not and I don't want to start doing that again here or anywhere to be honest. And I was trying to figure out a way to word it to where I do get the credit because of my idea I don't care if they want to do it tonight if they don't I'll do it my God damn self. But I don't want her to be like and it'll probably be something that she said she thought of when in fact she shot it down almost immediately. And then she made it about her. And I'm sorry if their failure to see her or her failure to adequately represent herself or take up for herself I worded led to where she is now but that does not mean it should take away from somebody else being thanks in the process. And I'm moving from office to office she decided to start talking about that I'm going to get it but okay. And she did eventually lead herself to the water of like yeah this happened but I guess we could do that yeah I think we should. She has she left a failing office that closed came back to her original office went back out to another office that failed again came back to her original office went back over to fort Worth Camp Bowie and then came back to her original office and she might be moving again. That's a lot that is a lot. So as I'm going through that I'm trying to figure out a way to work it to where I get my just do credits I get a text from her saying happy work anniversary I'm like m*********** it's 5 years. And I have been worried to say the least about how that would go. Because I don't know. My last job I stayed there for 5 years almost on the dot to the day really on the dot to the month and then I left and it's because we moved. But I've never been anywhere longer than 5 years I'm still trying to consider whether or not I want to do that here can you wake the f****** and get over okay stay your ass over there then. Anyway I don't know I've never stayed anywhere for longer than 5 years due to circumstantial stuff but I don't know I know I'm about to hit that limit literally in time and with everything going on in my life I'm back at square one of like is this what I want to do and I know in the end I do want to be a therapist and I'm really trying to cry. But I mean monetarily for my mental health. I want a job that supportive in both and I partially feel like they don't know what I do and I know that Ashley said I could always go to Chris I don't know I think I just want to talk to Chris again. I think at some point the next time I see him hopefully we have a little time to ourselves so we can like chit chat hopefully if something. Cuz he all is asking me if I'm keeping Andrea on A leash or like not that exactly is it jok I hope it's jokingly because please let me answer that question is not a joke I need you to be straight up and honest so I'll give you a straight up and honest answer. I don't know I don't think I'm overthinking it but I am thinking it and I am worried so I'm going to take it from there and see what happens I just started writing in here because I was thinking about that and then she text me and I was like f***. It's been 5 years. Those are my thoughts right now have EMDR later and think more there.

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Okay I was thinking about it and I think it's only been 4 years. We moved here in 2020 and the first like you getting a year doesn't count. So it's only 4 years right now so I can postpone my panic for later but I am still thinking about things.

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I did it. Ok. 

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Me and Andrea bonded and confessed more today. And I finally walked her down about Candice.

I get it. But I'm not gonna dog Candice because she is not this awful person. And I would not say no to her if she came back around again under healthier circumstances. I still miss her and I still think about her. And I am just as responsible as her in what I did. 

We didn't have sex, we didn't go out on dates, no late night phone calls, no secret touching. It was an emotional affair. It was not this huge villainous ordeal. 

But I will not settle for what she wanted to give me. And it still makes me sad that she has settled for a life that doesn't make her truly happy. But I understand why because I'm no different. I'm not better than her. 

I'm just willing to do the work. And it fucking hard and I'm not gonna shit and her because she didn't seek to hurt me. 

And the only reason I wish I never met her is because she felt so fucking good.

I'm also high. 

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I think the thing I don't like about talking to Andrea about Candice is the fact that she makes my story about her. I know it's her way of showing she cares for me but it's not healthy, especially for me. It makes me feel like I can't trust my own judgement.

The judgement that has led me to exactly where I am. The judgement that told me to trustt journey, to trust the process, the people, her

I know how to make good decisions for myself. And if I need help, I always reach out. 

And after years of learning to doubt myself, it took a lot for me to even write that. I literally hesitated to type it, typed it full of uncertainty, and then stared at it, trying to come up with another way to say that so I didn't sound so absolute and gave me room to not make good decisions. 

I should be able to say that and it be all encompassing and I mean it. 

I should not immediately feel like I shouldn't say that. I even tried to type of why that statement was all encompassing even though it wasn't explicitly said to explain why I know I'm not good. 

But I am good. I do try. I try so fucking hard every day and the only support I want is the one that holds me accountable.