out all night

Me es drunk. 

I stayed out all night. Can't wait to write more. 

And I kiiiiinda miss Candice. But I keep telling myself that she's not happy and I am... For the most part. 

~

I'm 5th wheeling a date too. So there's that. 

I did grab my crochet out of my car to do.

I do miss Candice. 

I wish I was getting an Uber to our place to go home to shower and curl up next to her.

~

Meanwhile, she's probably curled up with that girl she claims to love so fucking much. 

Fine. 

Fine. 

~

She blocked me without a second thought. 

I talked to Nikolas tonight. While I was in the car with the peoples. 

~

Fuck her. 

~

Fuck her because I love her and she doesn't love me back. 

She fucking started this. 

And now I'm by my fucking self. 

~

I am drunk and not in love but a little in angst. Soooooo yep.

~

I had a good night sleep last night at britney's. I bet her job I meant I guess her roommate's dog was a huge like Mastiff I think if I'm thinking of the right dog. Very sweet. And everybody always apologize for now their house looks that mixed with a bunch of stuff from last night makes me real leery about how people see me. 

Like Britney apologizing for her house and I'm like you live here I don't care what it looks like there's no roaches we're good. I want to get felt up because they were frisking people at the bar last night and those men were so far away from me it was not even funny and the guy oh my right was like you need to check her and he was joking and I looked at the other guy and he was like you're good you can go in. And I was like okay and the other guy was like I'm trying to help him out I was like I was going to post to being first he's like I know I was trying to tell him I'm trying to see what he known. And I was like are y'all being funny in a way that's negative about me or you being funny because you both don't want anything to do with the girl who looks like she got her s*** together. Which in fact I don't feel like I do but I guess only outside it looks like that. And then I was telling Brittany in my car is older and she was like really and I was like yes. I'm a child. LOL I drive a 2010 vehicle. She looked shocked and I was like why is that shocking what's happening right now? And then also wanted to sit on the face of a security guard last night to me. 

Sophia on the other hand where was she wore out and she I know pretty thought she was joking but Sophia had the black girl face of like No b**** I'm serious she wore her shorts and a hoodie over them you couldn't see her shorts and she saw her face beat and everything. But they were she had a couple guys going to her hitting on her and the guy that bring invited about his brother and he was also hitting on her. And that's all fine and dandy but I was also like you know I don't know what it is that makes people not want to do that to me. The only person who ever has is Candice. Like I know Chris from my job he doesn't work there anymore but he did it at one point but he wasn't loud about it cuz he was married. I've heard the other Chris make a comment about how I'm curvy but opportunity like I didn't hear that. So I know I guess I'm attractive.? But I don't understand why people don't want to make a move. I think it's a thing that Tia mowry said years ago and I've also heard this lady say it recently in those Cam Newton interviews. People are attracted to themselves so if they feel like you're on a different level than them whether that be higher or lower than most of the time not going to go for that because they are not there so they're not going to attract somebody who's also not where they are. Basically you're attracting people who are the same level as you without knowing it. Like I guess people say me in just to see my mother their leg and that seems to be the case on this app too or I'm talking to these guys. I'm like no f*** the dog s*** out of me please and thank you. 

And as disappointing as it is I'm just like what the f*** I didn't plan on being a virgin my entire f****** life I'm not saying I would like to be you sexually assaulted anytime soon but I would like a consentual playing. I did tell the girls about me being attracted to the girls and like looking into girls so they are on the floor understanding that I have into both so Brittany asked me tomorrow and I was like yes I am by. Because f*** could everybody else says and thanks I told a girl to her face that I like her that's gay. Sex or no sex that's gay. And I would love to have sex with her. Would have eaten her out I don't know I surely would if I could try. So what I want is what I want if it doesn't taste good there's other things I can do to it and I might have a good f****** time. Cuz I really don't care who it is I want to see you squirm under my touch. 

And I almost didn't text my mom last night. My plan was not to drink my plan was to go out there and I almost didn't even go. But my plan was to go out there have some fun go home go to bed. And then the drunker Brittany got she was like drink some drinks you can stay at my place and then we can get high tomorrow and like chill out and not do anything it'll be fun and I was like okay so I drank some drinks and we hung out last night but she was not feeling it this morning she felt more refreshed and like I think she had a wake-up call with that date not going great. Within like 10 minutes of them being there some guy walked up to them and knew them both it was like yesterday so and so and I was like oh s*** that sounds like f****** drama. And then they just end up being like a little kids all night crazy. 

I'm trying to recap my drinks. I had a green tea shot at one bar. And then I had a water. I also see saw it at that bar they had Galaga I play basketball for eight f****** dollars it was free to play skeeball that was a good time. And then we went to another bar and I had a green tea shot and then we went to another bar and I had a fireball shot and I had a mystery shot Sophia ordered a screwball whiskey shot and I gave her something else that was either vodka or tequila whatever it was I switched with her I bought her shot and I drink the one she bought still know what that was. We also saw a girl throwing up in the bathroom that was fantastic. So like fun was had we had a good time dancing around randomly I'm just like being there staying 100 ft away from me they won't know this I did catch the eyes of a few girls last night but then I feel like one starting flirting with the beer and I was like God damn it shout out to her but also b**** I want you downstairs. I don't know what is waiting for me if anything but it is keeping everyone away from me and it's the worst feeling like not even being rejected but kind of be rejected but hopefully for the right reason if that makes sense. I just want to have a little bit of fun. But I don't know it was fun it was like another reminder of like look how often no one comes up to you ever we might do a little car a little side eye but nothing more than that. And even on the app the guy who was off ended up lying about his age which was fine and then he dropped off of Facebook is going on. I feel like I'm being cock blocked by the universe. I don't understand why that's happening. 

But anyway I don't think I put this in my gallery but the other night I got high and I was only toilet I was on my period I was on the toilet so I was trying to get up and like wait for the water to get hot so I can get in the shower I end up dripping blood on the floor because that's how the body works. And so I was turning around to get tissue out of trash and I grabbed some and they end up being a patch I was using that because it was wrapping tissue to walk the floor up and I was turning around in circles cuz I'm still dripping cuz I'm not putting it together because I'm high. And then I turn around and I dropped the pad in the toilet and flushed it before I knew it and I was like oh s***. And I tried to get it at myself I couldn't plunge it with the non plunger and then I tried to like fill it up with water cuz it was still flushing but real slow. I'm too high to figure this out. But later on her mom come upstairs I guess my sister and I got it at plunge toilet and everything was fine. And then I don't think I've been paying my house on budget I don't think I'm going to start. Because my sisters have gone I don't know how long without paying so I'm like how long can I go without paying. And then I wanted to really just not tell him I wasn't coming home last night scared then I was like that's not cool you can do a lot of things but you know dragon well that you can't just tell her nothing. And I feel like that's my achilles he a little bit is being responsible enough which sounds so f****** stupid but won't even full of trauma and unhealthy relationships it makes more sense. Also I really want to f****** ice cream today. Cuz my ice cream day and that would be nice to sit down tonight and have ice cream. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow after work we'll see. 

But then I also got a little glimpse of how people see me because Britney's day I know they were being odd but they weren't being mean or anything but I was texting Nicholas because I always message him when I get drunk because I'm like so let's do stuff. But then he he also. Matter of fact it may be because of the whole canister because that's kind of when he he was pulling away before that but that was kind of like the nail in the coffin if I would like to think that was a nail in the coffin. So he's been like hands off for a while now we haven't done anything. So I messaged him last night and then you immediately called me cuz it's like 2:00 in the morning here and it's like 10:00 there or something like that. And he's laughing I'm laughing and I'm trying to turn him down but I can't really it actually put him on speakerphone and then I take them off. And we are having fun just for like a hot second before I tell him I need to let him go but before that happened Britney's whoever was like they're like who are you on the phone with then I was like it's just a friend and he was like that's her boyfriend and I was like sorry business and also do I give off energy. Cuz I have I have a f****** boyfriend. Wait I need to redo that cuz the thing messed up I'm doing voice to text. Do I get the energy of I have a f****** boyfriend because I don't. So that kind of got under my skin a little bit of just like you know I'm not f****** boyfriend. And then I let him go and I even made sure to make a panel because it's like he's all girl a really big boobs at the beach lol. And I was like did you get her number AKA there's nothing boyfriend. And then later on we were sitting in the car at her driveway eating Whataburger and he was like are you always quiet and I was like he's like yeah I don't know it's like thought about it for a hot second I was like yep. Cuz I don't f****** know you n****. I don't owe you a conversation y'all are weird it's only two of you it's three of us y'all both are obviously interested in something else so I'm going to go have fun and do what I want to do on my own because I didn't come here for you I came here for me. 

And then Brittany woke up with a little Clary this morning well she had some last night too it was just after the food kicked in. But she was like I'm trying to figure out a way to tell him I don't want to take this any further and like Dallas I'm so glad y'all drove out from Waco but that's it for me. And I was like it's very simple the energy did not transfer from text to in person. You don't owe him an explanation but if he ask for one you can give him that and just be like I have fun last night thanks for coming out I don't really want it before that. Sounds like the only instance I've had where I've had to tell somebody like it was done I was like this just isn't working I don't want to do this anymore it's very simple. And she was like oh that is really good I was like yeah it's simple. Looks like you can thank him for coming out and just say I don't think the energy transferred over text I mean transfer in person so I don't think we should take this any further. Okay yeah I just don't feel like he has the ambition and like he does seem like a child and when I asked him with his goals were for the end of for this year he said gain 20 a pounds and I was like that precious little baby. But I also told her something else and I can't remember and she was like oh. She was telling me all these things she wanted and she wanted man that was stronger than her and who made more money than her a man who was something I don't know. And I was like in my head that's all kind of Danny but let's be realistic here. But I was like all I'm looking for is somebody who is authentic and honest cuz whatever makes you unhappy you're going to go after it because it's what you actually want when she was like no. And I was like yeah it's simple. Whatever if you're honest about what you want out of life but you're authentic about who you are it makes it easier to just be yourself and because you know what you want if that is going to make you happy you're going to find a way to go after it. The rest handles itself after that to me. So either you're all authentic and you are somebody else's person or you're authentic in your person either way just be your f****** self. I kind of told her that last night about herself without saying it in that way. Because before he got there she was getting all nervous and like what do I do I don't want to get Pharaoh what if I get Pharaoh all these things I was like if you're a funeral be a feral that is you. And she was like No And I was like yeah if you want to be full Pharaoh be a little mini feral like the half feral but if you go out and have fun and you are feral and that is who you are just do that. and then she kind of looked and she was like okay I could do half barrel I was like yes just do half barrel. Cuz I don't mind I'm like if you're a feral when you go out and y'all do end up together and he didn't find that out until later that's going to be an argument at some point if he's not down with the get down if you're a pharaoh when you go out and he is pharaoh and he goes out y'all have a good time that's going to be great or if you're a fail and he's fine with you being Pharaoh because he would like to like take care of you while you feral that would be great. It would really suck 2% is one thing and then later on the line be something else. I don't think that's fair. 

To only had a good time last night I did have a slight moment where I kind of like felt for feelings for Candice. Like they weren't bubbling up on the surface but I knew they were there so I went digging for them. And it was okay it was just like God damn it you f****** b**** because why would you pop My bubble and be so perfect? Just signed up hurting me because you don't want to be more than what you were and I was that was the weirdest f****** part because I was fine without taking things further I just didn't want to take anything further and it's like she wanted both she didn't want to take anything further but she did want to continue and I was like that's not no you can't do that. So just all f****** weird it's really f****** weird. 

But I did see a thing on Instagram last night where it was like this last 4 months of the year going to give you the plot twist you want it or something like that along those lines. And because I like Candice I was like maybe on top of like moving out and doing all things that I want to do maybe something will happen with her at the end of this year. 

I still have really strong feelings for her even though they're like a little disheveled right now because I've kind of tried to work hard at burying them I feel like the moment I see her they're all going to come rushing back and not scared the s*** out of me. But I also saw a thing on Instagram I was like don't send them messages to people don't miss your f****** breath cuz they don't care and I was like well which one is it probably good. Probably both. Not probably good. I don't know I just don't understand why she had to happen to me. I don't get it I don't understand but maybe that was us both attracting someone broken but trying. I don't want to talk about it anymore. 

So now I'm on my way home to go brush my teeth, wash my ass, wash some clothes, cuddle my dog and do some crocheting. That's what Britney wants to do LOL she wanted to stay at home today and get high and be crochet and her just like do nothing and I was like I'm doing that but she didn't change her grandma she wanted to go out and do stuff. But I'm heading back and I more and more just want to live on that side of town that is what I want. And also I'm glad I went last night. There is a moment right before I started changing where I was like don't go if you die tonight something bad happens what if you don't have fun love they're actually jerks when you hang out with them if I've never hung out with them before what if what if what if what if what if and I was like I'm going to go if I don't want to be there I'm going to leave it's fine. I'm glad I went out. I know this part of that growth that both about therapist talk about but like even that moment right before going out was a struggle it felt like panic fear all bottled up together. 

. It felt like fear and panic.. something I don't know I think I miss my exit mother f*****

~

And Instagram just served me a video about Avoidant Attachment dating Anxious Attachment.

...I don't know anything.

I do know that is me and Candice in a nutshell. And apparently her being emotionally unavailable is the thing I'm attracted to?

But if that was true, I would have stuck around. I left because I wanted her to stop fucking around. And I don't want her bare minimum. I want her all. That was the issue. 

She doesn't want that and she doesn't want me because I want that. She just wants to tumbleweed her way through life.

~

In this moment, I wish I'd stayed far away from Candice like I intended to. 

~

I did take am edible before writing the part about the Instagram video and I'm forgetting two things can be true. And they are.

Candice and I did have those attachment issues initially. It's the reason I leaned in to her. Because I wanted her close without having her too close. 

But the more work I did in therapy and the more our relationship bloomed, the more that was no longer enough for me. So I cut things off because I knew she wasn't gonna leave her girlfriend to be with me because she didn't want to really be with me. She also wanted to be close to me without having me too close.

But she didn't want things to end, either. 

So she did try to keep what we had going because it was good and it was working and it was nice. 

But it wasn't enough for me.

Half of her wasn't enough for me and all she wanted was half of me and I refused to give it to her.

And she refused to let go.

We both couldn't give each other what the other wanted so ending things should have made me happy. It should have made me feel better. 

And now I'm just full of longing and regret.

And of course she's happy because she is still avoidantly attached to a girl that is into ENM, from what I've heard. 

I'm not happy because I finally discovered I want more in the shittiest way possible. 

To have loved someone who'd rather run away than meet me halfway. 

Maybe we aren't soulmates. Maybe this is how all unequivocal relationships feel. 

But it feels more and more like I'll never find out. 

~

And now I'm crying over my last half of my Whataburger patty melt.

I knew the truth about Candice and I because I've said it in therapy before, after things blew up. 

She hit her limit on love and I passed mine. 

We no longer wanted the same thing. 

And even though I had to dig for feelings about Candice after the bar hopping, I thought about her off and all last night. I would dance because she doesn't get to see me, I would drink because she can't do anything about it, I stayed out thinking 'fuck her, I'm gonna do what I want'.

The more I move forward, the more I want her there with me. And it's not tears of sadness over what happened. It's tears of grief over what we'll never have together.

~

"I hope you find what you're looking for"

That's one lie she didn't tell. She knows she can't give me what I really want. She knew what I wanted before I even sent that DM. 

Or maybe she just wanted me to find another gym. She, as the owner, hopes I find a gym that makes me happy. 

It's easier to tell myself that because I still find it hard to believe that she ever wanted me. 

~

I never cared about being alone for forever.

But I never thought I'd be heartbroken for forever and that's what it feels like now.