moment

It is almost 4 in the morning and I've been up for 30 minutes. Why?

~

Two broken femurs and a fucking brain bleed. Both potentially old wounds. The brain bleed for sure. 

The lady said it's the worse case she's seen.

She is terrible. 

And I just had to sign paperwork as a subject of the investigation. 

And she's interviewing all of us in front of each other. 

~

I just asked to be interviewed separately. My ears are burning and I am so fucking nervous. 

~

I told the truth but it also feels wrong and it feels like I didn't tell the entire truth because an interview doesn't leave room for context; it leaves room for interpretation. 

Two broken femurs. Two. 

What the actual fuck?

And here are my panicked thoughts:

Did I leave enough context? Was I 100% honest or 90%....or 80%? My sister is going to hate me. Is my mom gonna find out? Is she gonna bully me? Is she gonna question me? Am I gonna have to go to court? If my mom gets the babies who's really gonna be doing all the work? Can I get the babies? Do I want the babies? Can the State help me get housing so I can get the babies? Can I visit the babies? What's gonna happen? What's gonna happen and how is it gonna get blamed on me? If they get placed somewhere else, are they gonna be good people? Please God let them be good people. Please. I should have called. I should have known. I should have talked about it in therapy so they could have called. Is my THC use gonna be an issue? Should I have signed that paperwork? I did put the time on there at least. Idk what the fuck is going on because she said we weren't subjects of the investigation but that paper had a box that said we were.....

I just want to get some rest now. I have 4 hours until I have to wake up. I did do some more art in the meantime at least. Nola is already fast asleep snuggled in between my legs. 

My femurs. 

I cannot believe this is my life and not in a good way, right now. 

I'm trying to leave this house. I have to get out of this house. And now, other babies might be put here. 

I need to see my therapist. 

~

I requested an appointment. 

....is my interview gonna be public record? My family is going to disown me. Which is fine. But can I get out of this fucking house first?

I have an apartment tour in a few hours. I hope it's good and affordable. The other one cancelled and....

I have to get out of here.

~

If my mom doesn't get custody of these kids, she's gonna know it was me, it was because of me. 

~

So, I went to crochet. I also did the apartment tour but the reviews are shit so that's out.

And I will be doing restorative yoga with Laura tomorrow! I needed something to ground myself. I also meditated for like 5 minutes this morning. 

Crochet was good. Very chill. 

Now I'm pooping from the coffee I had this morning. Oh!!!

Ohmygah. This morning at Einstein Bagels, the girl who completed my earrings last time was there! She opened the window and like jumped back and said "you are pretty" and I jumped back and was like "...oh. thank you" and did a little laugh. 

~

I'm happy with my job.

But I also work in a company where housekeepers are normal, yet I can't afford to move out. 

And I know my expenses are my choice and my actions got me here but my expenses would be almost identical without my credit card. I'm spending what I'm paying plus interest. And I have good credit.

But I can't afford to move out. And some girl at one location got a raise to simply make peace out of a shitty situation because she was being nosey. 

And employees get paid more to do their job for one location than I pay to do my job for all 8 locations. And I have made friends with my boss and that's fine and dandy. But what happens when I feel like I can't be heard? Be seen? Be praised? Be valued?

What then?

As I come up on my fifth year here, as my family situation continues to go to shit, I'm wondering if I need to look for another job. 

I don't know how much change I can take right now. But I also don't know how much of the same shit I can take either. 

I made friends with my boss and now I feel stuck sometimes. I fell in love with my gym owner and now I don't have that. 

And I know I'm high and all but fuck... A part of me feels guilty. Like I'm causing all of this. 

And I know that's not true. But I also don't know what to do.