hanging out

. I do want to cry I wanted to leave early at one point I just didn't know how to really feel. I did have a panic attack up the street from the place but that's excited I work my way through it. I was really scared of Kansas is going to show up and then when she does I'm just like I'm never going to see her again.. so I don't think I would ever have to worry about running into her anywhere because I don't think she's going to let that happen as long as she held it but just great but it's not what I want. And everybody everybody's talking about going to the gym and working out and doing all these things and I'm not doing that and I just f****** sucks cuz that's how I met majority of these people you know I don't have that anymore I don't get to have that that's all coach Denise today and I haven't seen her since I left and that also made me really sad Christmas it's not fun I don't enjoy that feeling that feeling sucks. Them doing it I'm getting out doing other things and feeling when we were sad feelings I have and just trying to call it a day now I'm going to go hopefully sit inside a barn to Noble and crochet for two hours the jury still out on that but that's where I'm on my way to somewhere

I also got a little nervous at one point cuz I unfollowed Denise because I had it was all a bunch of gym stuff and it's not really conducive for me right now to be seeing all of that. So at one point I got an Instagram message and it was from her and I was like oh no don't let her have no and no what's happening and I don't talk about that today please don't let her ask me about that. But it was just her attacking me in a post of being at breakfast so all is well.

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All right I am leaving Barnes & Noble. I went in just to sit down and crochet but I decided to walk around and get a field of the store before doing it to see if they had an area to sit down in crochet and I buy a book because I love books. So now I'm proud owner of how to u***** your brain. Seems like a good read for me right now where I am. Also have decided that I need to remind myself of the possibility of me never seeing Candace again I love a good narrative to hold on to I don't think that's what it is negative person and I don't know that it'll be helpful I think it'll be real helpful right now so I'm going to stick with it never see her again. Because I haven't seen her since May and it is September and I'll probably just never going to see her again so I think maybe if I just accept that thanks as much as I want to beat myself over the head with that notion I'm really trying to just slow my roll into it but it's real hard cuz I really just want to be over and done with these feelings for her I want them out of my body works sure what a s*** love just throw her out of my body. I'm going to be feeling my feelings kind of deal with all this s*** that's where that f****** book comes in so that's the plan.

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Okay so literally as I finished writing that voice to text portion before closing out this little journal entry. Literally as I finish that I must have pulled up beside me and I ignore it and when I close the app down I get ready to start driving with no distractions I looked in my right and there's a mouse with the same exact color as Candice's and I'm like serious. So I have a little talk with Jesus is a little bit of an angry prayer a little bit. And I'm like hey that's how I don't want to see her and all these things I need help yada yada yada and then it I was reminded that my prayer was specific and I asked to not see Candice unless she was single she's in a relationship I don't want to see her I don't want to run into her none of that. I only want to see her when she's single. Which means I may never see her. And I'm okay with that I guess in the grand scheme of things. So I guess I want to instead focus on being able to enjoy being around my friends and not be so down Harding and heartbroken about the fact that they still go to the gym that I no longer have access to. I think it's the letting go of that portion of it all that's still hurts so I'll be glad when that parts also. I want to keep my friends and I won't heartbreaking I just want to enjoy myself.

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Enjoyed my hang out with Kaylin!

Enjoy hanging up here. That's me talking while I'm trying to figure out these directions but I always enjoy hanging out with her it is such a good time today was no different. We did talk about stuff and it didn't feel as painful with her because she knows everything and maybe that's part of the reason why it's so upsetting with the other girls because they don't know so they talk more freely and they don't have an opinion because they don't know anything to have an opinion about. So it might be that is part of my issue too and I'm not realizing. My dad also texted me while I was out and I'm going to tell him to go ahead and hang that s*** the f****** stop texting me cuz nothing has changed. If for some days it felt like when I was texting him I was texting Candice or something I don't know it was I just don't familiar but also I guess cuz all that was also happening around the same time as all the other stuff was happening too. But after I talked to Edith and he started texting me again the next time we talked I might have to let her know about herself too hey I don't know what you do when you get off the phone with me but don't tell him to reach out to me oh no b******* now you're calling me so don't make it and that's what if that's what this relationship is I don't want that I want to know you and if you don't want that we can stop right now. I'm just really tired of the b******* with people to be honest. I want what's real enough take I'm not going to f****** play around all God damn day. But I can't enunciate so I also like to apologize to the one true father God because I don't mean to say his name and then cuss right after even though that does happen sometimes a real time this is not my attention right now LOL LOL LOL. Anyways I felt better to talk to him because Kayla gets it so I don't feel as heavy when I'm talking to her about things but there is a monster right behind me right now. A mazda. And somebody just send me a message on bumble. But we also talked about dating and how like I don't have the date if I don't want you to be with anybody she's like are you still looking at the guys and girls and I was like correct and then I told her a little bit about laundry yeah she feels about me and girls and how she also did the thing with the HR situation which I never expressed to anybody not even in therapy so that would feel good to say out loud too and she's like no my therapist became a therapist in her forties she was also did the corporate America thing in marketing and decided she didn't want to do that but back to school and became a therapist. And I was like that makes me feel really good. She's going to she's going to take off the part-time at her job on her boyfriend gets here and then go fully more into the flight situation and I was like that's going to be good. So I just love hanging out with her and we talked about we talked a little bit about a lot of things in that film nice. And I feel like we share it time well too sometimes I feel like I'm talking to myself too much to be a connection and I think we did a good amount of sharing and telling and doing. And now I'm on my way to Laura's house. Because I'm hot I have all these friends to hang out with and it's so new. That's okay then too I was like it's very odd and I'll explain to her the same way I tell my therapist I was like Tori wants me to meet her at mom what do I do about that and she was like you lean into it I was telling her how I was like I know like what and she's like well why do you think she wants you to meet her mom and I was like because I'm a good person in my therapist was like yes. So we laughed about that it was just it's always nice to talk to her and I don't feel like I'm going to cry right now but isn't a good or bad thing it's just like improvement

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All right I also enjoyed my hangout with Laura and I hung out with her husband for a little bit. This time we talked about Candice and the fact that she openly dated somebody at the gym which extra pisses me off because you would do that and just not even be honest about our situation at all it's f****** s*****. But we also talked about my family some more in her family and the church stuff when I'm looking forward to and she walked me around her neighborhood to look at different apartments. We hung out on our porch for a few hours and I did get bit up a little bit but it was a lot of fun and I had a good time. They didn't have drinks and stuff but I just wanted some ice for my water because I have a little bit to kind of top me off give me some hydration in my body. It still let her get to know me a lot more even though right now I'll have is mostly s***** stories to tell there's still my stories and they make me the person that I am today so even though there's stuff they're important for a reason. I enjoyed it we had a good time. And I don't know even the kind of stuff while I did bother me and I was open about that and even like the fact that I'm going to be emotional when I do join in gym and just did everything of it all and I was like it's just really difficult and I just didn't think it was going to be this way but it is and now I'm learning how to work with that. I almost forgot I need to go to Target to get my groceries.

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How s*** been and as I say that out loud it sounds weird coming out of my mouth that kind of makes me want to pan ic. I'm going to try to slow it down a little bit so I don't have a panic attack. I am starting to understand the effects of what happened to me. It may not have felt like a big deal hearing them out loud and sharing them with others makes me understand why it was a big deal and why it still is a big deal. And why everybody is so excited about me getting out on my own. And everybody is so supportive of me getting out on. Just constant reminder everywhere of me making good decisions and me being able to make friends. It's a lot of unlearning. And a lot of understanding. And Laura asked me something that I've never gotten before I'm actually going to do a paragraph break so I can come back and read this later LOL 

Laura asked me something that nobody has asked me before do I think Candice would ever reach out and make amends. Because she knows that Candice is very obsessed with how people perceive her and all these things. And I found it quite interesting because I never consider that to be the case I thought I was hoping she would but not because of that reason. My answer to her was I think she and I know each other well enough to work and if I understand that she probably wouldn't have to do that with me unfortunately. Unfortunately for me but fortunately for her innocence. In a sense not innocence. But I don't think she will because she be admitting to what happened what she refuses to do. But I told Laura that I don't think she will because she's already the more how do I want to put this I basically told her to the majority of people who would be perceiving her don't know what happened so there's nothing for her to fix. For her I am the only person who knows everything and for some reason she trusted that I would hold everything and I have so she doesn't have anything anything to clean up she just she just hurt me and moved on because I don't think she would apologize for anything I don't think she would make a man and even if she does it's going to be years down a lot and she's going to be too late. Most of that hurts my feelings I think it's more of the truth than I wanted to be. and I'm just going to cry for a little bit because that stings a lot but I know it's true and it's more than likely what's going to be the case because and how she is and right now she still got the gym as a huge distractions doing well she is doing well and I don't think she's ever going to come to own her actions I think she's just going to let me be heard all by myself. And if she cared about me and the slightest she would not have done that. And that's What hurts the most. Because she chose to be selfish I've ever done to be my adult selfless and I did not do it because I wanted to get something in return I just did it because it felt right. But Laura was really frustrated because I went into like how much stuff candles is doing for me that I didn't know people were getting charged for like the free workout she put together for me she also every time we talk I never got charged with any of those I got two free body scans and I used to think that maybe she just forgot to charge me. That did tell her that's what pissed me off in the end when I quit getting charged me for that month and that's kind of when I knew things were not as I knew they were not above four but that's the moment I knew that she was she had been treating me a little differently than other people. And I even told her that that's what Candice said in that email to me was that she said that sir what the f*** are you doing learn how to whip this m************ trailer b**** or don't have one 

Anyways I was telling her that Ken is held a guy on was that she did not treat me any differently than she treated anybody else and all her coaches were supposed to act the same exact way they were supposed to follow her lead and that's just how things worked. And even though I felt like she was lying I didn't know if she was but I felt like she was. I end up telling her about the whole me unblocking Candice to message her after Ken is never blocked me not once even though I've been messaging her about things but she did make me feel better she said the whole gym thing with the lease was ongoing for about 2 years so it wasn't the first time she heard of that and I was like okay that makes me feel good. But she said yeah no you got treated very differently and I'm sorry you didn't realize that basically. She's like she does not give stuff out for free everything is nickel and dimed it's like oh well I didn't know that. But I thought there's another okay can you f****** drive cuz I also need to get the f*** over b**** I'll get on my f****** nerves 

Okay anyways again I feel like more and more I think I don't like having these conversations with people because they are difficult it's not that I know they're going to make me sad I know they're going to make me accept things as they are they're going to be facing music and lean into what's actually happening and not what I want to happen. But that's what he's conversations I think that's why this conversations are difficult because they're honest conversations. And I don't want to shy away from honest conversations. So I have them at my place and then lean in when I'm ready and lean out when I'm not and I'm just ready to like start this new chapter in my life friends maybe start dating we moved out of my own maybe I can get a service dog some kind of way I've never been on the edge of Life changes like this and been kind of expected I'm more expected and like fearful out of hope that I am just afraid of change and more afraid of the change will stick that I am up the change happening. I'm going to I'm more afraid of the change won't stick then I am of it actually happening. That's what I meant to say but I'm still trying I'm still going I'm still moving forward even with all this s*** that life is telling me even with all that I'm still making an effort. 

Something else Laura said that was helpful if you don't have to tell your family you don't never want to talk to them again you can just do that and I was like you're right just like you can just say you don't want them having your address and you will talk to them when you want to you don't have to tell him you don't want to go no contact you know it's like that's correct that's a good idea LOL. She also told me something else what did she say cuz it was really helpful too I may have to think about it cuz I don't remember chest yet. We were talking about that church stuff I told her about my uncle and I forget I know it'll come to me though.

I won't say I don't think people expect me to have a story that I do have. Which is why I'm always feeling like I'm getting perceived wrong and I've had this idea of who I am pushed on me for so long that it's like it's disturbing my body to reckon with the truth. So the more I share it and the more people see me right now in the moment and then digest the fact that I have lived the life I have lived I can almost audibly hear their mind except that truth as difficult as it is to understand. So talks with Kaylin talks with Laura and even Andrea and Andrea's in her mode of acceptance lol, all really good conversations to have because it's with people who value and understand the journey where it takes you as f***** up as it could be as to all these roads that sometimes lead to know where take you. If not conversation with Britney too because I love my best friend I cannot wait to see her next month and she gets it in my entire life I've had such a hard time for people who get it and I think that's also partially why I would love things to work with Candice why it's difficult for me to accept that they want. because it's very hard for me to accept that a person who gets it then who gets me would still do that I don't understand how you have a heart and do that. Even Laura was shocked after I told her that I apologize cuz I had ripped into Kansas via email and I told her I went back and apologize and I was like I'm not taking back what I said but I said it was me even though it was true and she was like you apologize and I was like yeah because it was the right thing to do so I did that. I'm not perfect I do f****** and things don't go all the way they're supposed to do all the time but I still show up even in the days where I don't want to because I did not come this far in life to just give up because something's not going the way I think it should. I deserve to be happier I deserve to know better and I'm not going to stop back good enough because it's okay I want what I want because it's what I Deserve 

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Laura also said she's shocked Candice basically encouraged me to quit. She said Candice doesn't like when people quit and she meets with Andrea and Laura every so often to see why people are quitting. 

She also said that Laura may quit if she hasn't already. 

She's also upset about how Candice treated me and asked me if I thought Candice would ever do it again to some one else. 

I said I don't know. I also had to divulge our love languages at one point to tell a story lol. I paused and had to give a disclaimer before deciding to share that. 

But idk if she'd ever do that again but who knows. 

Candice stole my happy place. But I know she's still unhappy and I expressed that to Laura. She was upset but agreed and said she does seem sad and I was just nodding like 1000% lol

I've also had substances and can't sleep. 

Not horny, can't masturbate. 

Just journaling, laying down, pulling my hair out of little bumps on my scalp.

I did match with a hottie today lol. I didn't know it, but I opened the app to show a friend and a match popped up. She was like "oooooo musclllleeeess" I immediately turned into an idiot and was like "whaaaaat nooo lol" but inside I was like "holy shit he SWIPED on me?!"

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I think I'm being catfished for SURE. 

Ain't no way this man is real.