God and probablies

Life has been weird.

In no specific order, I'm growing closer to the crochet ladies. Everyone is excited to see me and I'm always excited to see them, even when I'm in a mood. 

Lynette has been gifting me things since we met. 

And today, while I was putting stuff up, I thought about it.

We had a merchant send a sample bag that was cheap and I jokingly gave it to Tatum because we had no use for it, it was not a decent price but useful nonetheless. So I gave it to her because she's moving and we both joke about how we don't like packing and she also uses bags. So since she's moving, I gave her the bag for this weekend.

Today, I knew Lynette was gonna give me free yarn at the shop. She'd texted me earlier this week and I was like "chess please" lol. 

I didn't end up getting to stay because Brittany invited me to hang out with her and Sophie. So I took them up on it so I can get out some more. And before I left, Lynette stopped me and to get the yarn. And then she also gave me 2 free bags. 2 really nice bags-- a Fiber Fest tote and a cute little project bag. And we both always get giddy and we got giddy and she told me she loved me and I said the same and we went on our way.

It wasn't until right now that I realized, my gift to Tatum was returned to me double and completely unexpectedly.

I have been having a time with God. Lots of why's and worry, etc. And the biggest thorn in my side with Him has been Candice. Because I asked for direction and what to do and I feel like I was led to follow the path I took by Him and so it ending the way it did just really upset me emotionally and spiritually. And I know we all have free will and God doesn't typically make us do anything, but I was still hurt and unsure and really kicking up dirt because of it.

I have been telling myself that Candice never wanted me and she still doesn't. But I know at least one part of that is not true.

But it's easier to swallow that experience pill if I lie about it, even though I know that just prolongs me feeling the feeling I will inevitably feel.

She let me leave and burned me on the way out. 

That's hurtful and there's nothing I can do to change that. 

So I have been trying to bury her memory with more healthy relationships and experiences. And I've put more intention behind dating, and looking for an apartment.

I really want my fresh start. I want the life I know deep down I deserve. I'm tired of longing and I'm going after it.

And I saw a service dog today and it reminded me of how much I want one. I'm tired of pulling my hair out and I really believe I need that companionship of someone who's constantly looking out for me when I fail to look out for myself.

And I know I'll probably be fine, I know I have support, I know I'll be ok but it is scary. 

I've always been uncertain about small things but I am in a period of tremendous uncertainty. 

And while I trust in Him, I've also had 80% of my life governed by a religion that misrepresented His intentions and raised by a family that seemed to use His Word for conviction for control rather than love. 

It's a lot to unpack, digest, understand, unlearn, relearn, release, and let go. 

And I have never been in such a time of distrust. 

Partially in Him, in my ability, in apartments, in my goals, in my friends. In me. 

It's really tough navigating a new life with the same brain and body that doesn't know if it's safe, if it will ever be safe. 

But I will continue to take up space and be my full self because it's gotten me this new life and new friends and new adventures. So I'm going to at least do that. 

And the rest will happen. I know everything I'm meant to know right now. I'm gonna trust (side eye.... Jesus lol) in God to light my path and be my second wind whenever I need it. 

But I'm still scared. I'm still uncertain. I still don't know. 

But I'm building a new relationship with Him too. It's just gonna take some time.

~

Aaaaaaaand another proposal on my timeline. 

Great. 

And I texted the apartment complex I went to this morning because they told me I could see a bunch of units but the Leasing Agent said I can't. So maybe I'll see what that's about. 

~

Also, Dylan wants to do a Harry Potter watch party for me!

It was just gonna be me and her but Beth is also gonna be coming. She heard us talking about it and wanted in lol. She's very much the baby sister of the group.

And now we're making plans to hang out!