feelers

So I think I am having trouble with andrea. Not major trouble just trouble that I want to keep my eye on. Turn left I have sorry my navigation is also going to close that out 

. I'm doing voice to text. So she likes to ask my opinion on what she should do for things how she should talk to people what she said she should say how she said present things to people ideas to come up with ways of word things that sort of thing. And all that's fine and dandy. But I've noticed lately a lot of what she does is also extra money opinion and what I think about things and when I tell her she then asked me why as a normal conversation. Well then she will retell a story about something she talked to with someone else where she has told my opinion as her own. I don't like that. I know how to dress it because I didn't think adults did that. Because why would you go tell someone something I said but claim that you basically thought of it and not tell them who told you meanwhile I'm the only thing that I should know but you're going to use what I have to say about it and presented us something you know or you think? It's just real odd. And I also feel like things that we are between her and Tatum and me but I wasn't going to say anything because I wasn't sure what it was. And then the other day she told me that she's been feeling heavy and some stuff about Tatum and all these things. Which could be valid and also some of them are valid but some of them I was just like questioning. And then I also got into a little bit of trouble and not anything major just making sure I keep my own things that were small but kind of like made her auntie for some reason I don't know. But anyways all that to say I feel like that's going to become a bigger issue and I'm trying to think of a way to shut that down before it does because I really don't want to f****** deal with that because I don't have f****** time so I'm happy I'm getting to know all these people myself and they are getting to know me and they get to hear how I am and what I have to say because I do not need someone taking what I am saying think and claiming it to be their own so they get credit for what I have to say and if they came up with it because they're so smart no it's me. It's me I'm smart I came up with it it's my idea. And although they can be shared both the people coming up with them and on their own and what people telling people how I feel think and say that they cannot be claimed they cannot be stolen. I've also had a little bit of champagne. But I'm not dealing with that I don't want to feel like I'm being used and manipulated and that's kind of how I'm getting a sense of things right now it's like a year so smart but I don't want people to know you're that smart but I will take what you have to say and use it and just pretend like I came up with it on my own cuz my last job used to do that and I did not enjoy that. And I really don't want to get into the whole thing of people being jealous about how I'm saying because I also don't want to do that I don't have time I don't enjoy it. So I have another prayer for the rest of this year and moving forward just in general. I want people to know me for me not how I'm portrayed not what they think now that they think they know I want to be seen for me as me as I am and the people who will whether or not they matter to me. I don't want to be hidden I want to be seen I want to be seen heard and valued. because I think that's part of my barrier is the fact that I'm being kept away from so many important people she gets to present her truth. I'm still not sure of her truth is 100% of all truth. And I know she has a jealousy streak because I've seen it this week with her and Whitney in the way she was talking about Chris like to talk to Whitney but he doesn't like to talk to her but she doesn't want him to talk to her but why doesn't he want to talk to her it's like I don't know what that is but I don't like it. So I'm going to just continue to keep it better eye on things take care of myself but I did want to just like jot that down because it felt important to me and b**** I wish to f*** you would y'all going to piss me off today. Anyways that's important to me I want to write it down in case I am right or simply because it's how I feel I don't f****** know but here we are. Also had a time on the phone with a bank to get my check scanner all fixed up and put together and that was a whole thing. And all that went well what was I going to say the champagne is kicking in I think. I feel like people sometimes get to know me as a friend and then I unintentionally become their competition unbeknownst to me and I don't enjoy that it doesn't make me feel good I don't like it that's not what I want friendship to be and I feel like that's what's happening here and I don't like that it's not my favorite. And actually f****** sucks.

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I remember what I was going to say. But first and foremost I have been swarmed by Mazdas this week for the most part they are everywhere I go. And I'll try real hard to ignore them and I've just been telling myself that although I would wish they were signs I don't think that they are every time I see one so that's how I've been doing that because it's been happening everyday I have seen three within the last 2 minutes and that seems that seem to me but I don't know 

What I wanted to say is while I was doing stuff with net protect and the bank today I looked at my phone and my mother text me. And she told me that she asked me if I could get puppy pads and food for the dog she had bought some up which I don't know how she would have done that without a prescription but I don't know maybe we should have my other sister got one from the vet. Then she told me to she asked me to do that for something I don't know I'll have to put the text in here later. And then I said basically her and my sisters agreed to do that so are they also watching are they watching their hands up I didn't say also I just asked if they were washing their hands of it and there's another monster. Another mazda. Lol. So I asked her that and she said I'm not washing my hands of it and they're not watching their hands of it another monster mazda. Not monster lol. But she said that and then I got another text from her saying that they're just they'll start back helping when they get jobs and she will be using that money to get diapers for the kids. Because all that still going on I just haven't read about it cuz I don't want to. So I learned today that not one but both of them are unemployed. And it's not funny to me but it does feel a little like odd uncomfortable vindication. And I don't want to celebrate it but I do want to point out that the people who have treated me poorly for such a long time whether or not there was that and that was their intention I'm just going to say what I want to say because I don't know how to make it all fluffy and nice I know how I honestly feel and I don't want any harm to come towards them. But what I want to say is the people who have made such a big deal about moving into this house and I did not want to move into because it was so big and it was an enormous expense it did not make sense. Another mazda. The same people who threw a fit and like hikes me out and started this whole journey of me knowing that oh this is how they treat me on like it was just really hard that was a hard time for me to realize that that's what I amounted to and how to talk to me and how to treat me from my own family. So to know that this house cost so much trouble and now be in it and have my sister's kids taken from her my mom's having to deal with that have my mom treat me the way she did at my sisters ice me out and one of them be very vocal about how she felt and then try to guilt me into helping the other feel better about not having her job it's just a lot of it feels like vindication and I don't mean that in a celebratory way it just feels like it's so ironic that that's where we are right now. And I think it's telling. And that doesn't mean that I'm perfect on my life is better all these things it just feels like very ironic moment to where we moved into the bigger house I don't want to be in to begin with and now we have two babies in it and my two sisters don't have jobs and they threw the biggest fit about moving into this house and although my mom said this is her what she wanted which it honestly is what she wanted she also put my sisters in the mix to get what she wanted she worked them and now here we are and she is getting her just do another mazda. And I have been trying to slowly calm myself down because I feel like there's another something good but something big coming I I just don't know what it is. But the last time I saw Britney she told me to read the big leap I think she asked me about it she asked me about it and we started talking about I forgot in what context but she was like I really want you to read that basically so I told her I would start reading it again so that's what I did and I haven't read it in the last few days but I did pick it back up to start listening again so I'm going to give that I really was giving myself a break but I think I'm going to pick it back up here soon because what's coming to me is going to be very important and I don't want to miss it and I don't want the fact that I may still feel a little bit like there are a lot of things in this world that are good that I don't deserve to get in the way of what I know I really do deserve and want for myself so I'm just going to try to keep moving forward try to not self-sabotage and lean in as much as I can when another milestone. And then take breaks as needed that's really been my prescriptions that's how it goes. So I'm going to get back to my music taking my groceries home and I'm going to try to keep going the only way I know how.

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I'm back! And I'm high!

And here is the screenshot I was talking about earlier 

And I love the friends I'm making so fucking much. And I love the ones I have been able to keep