ending in beginning

I really have a hard time when I first start hanging out with the girls from the gym. Because they talk about the gym a lot and it just reminds me of Candice and how much stuff Candice has started doing that now that I'm not there. It's like she's just went full-fledged committed into doing all this fun stuff at the gym after I left. They go out more they had a field day and all these things and I get to experience none of it because she took that away from me. And when I was sitting next to the other girl that I like thinking about how I could have been like getting closer to her at the gym but I can't because I don't get to do that anymore. So I wanted to cry in the bar several times tonight. But I committed to having fun and drinking my feelings and that's what I did. So oh f****** know it's just really f****** sad. Because Jordan broke up with her boyfriend. So somebody can make good decisions. I don't know all the f****** miles does I've seen the last week I have ecstasy not a single one what a f****** way to torture me and my feelings. a little bit mad at God but I already kind of talked to him about that already so I really don't want to reiterate that in writing cuz that was a conversation that also ask for forgiveness. I did have fun I am having fun I would just like to have never met candice. If I knew all the heartache that was going to come after and the feeling of getting that close to someone and deleting nowhere it's terrible. Because now she knows me better than a lot of people that are close to me and that's useless. The relationships mean nothing. That relationship not plural singular. It means nothing there's nothing that's going to come from it it doesn't f****** matter and I don't know how long it's going to take me to understand that or accept it or realize or get over it I don't know I don't know where I am I don't know where I'm going with that but I'm trying to not cry in the line at Whataburger before I ever drive myself home

~

Also, I might actually be alone forever. 

No one ever really approaches me. I have something in my that friends enjoy but partners don't. And I know part of that is my cPTSD but there's a important part of that that feels really FUCKING true. 

I don't know if I will ever find someone who wants and accepts me. 

And just when I thought I did, I got rejected in the harshest way possible. And I haven't even heard from her since. 

And now I'm drunk crying because I really hate that. I hate this feeling. Like eternal rejection. Eternal isolation. 

Eternally misunderstood. 

Right now I feel like childhood me was right and the me that leaned into Candice was a fool. 

I feel like an idiot. 

~

If there was a pill I could take to be where I am in life without getting close to Candice, I would take it. 

~

I'm not ok.