can't sleep

I feel more hopeless after seeing that psychiatrist than I did before I went in.

I have spent the last few hours in bed with my eyes closed, fully awake and fidgeting.

My eyes are swollen and gunky. 

And I wasted $200+ on services that amounted to "I can't help you with what you want, I can tell you have 2 things, not sure about the third really because I don't know you but how about we rule that out completely, and you can have your choice of an antidepressant and for sure need therapy but you're already doing that, ok bye"

Fucking bitch. Psychiatrists are useless. 

~

I updated my review to add how I feel worse after going on there and I regret spending money on services. 

She literally only had 2 other reviews. 

One is a therapist that literally only has left 2 reviews in her entirety of using Google reviews and they're both therapy centered because he does referrals. 

The other seems like an older woman because of the way she words things. She's only left 2 reviews this past year, both very ass kissing. And 7 reviews total, only 2 that were 1-star. 

~

She literally told me I don't have OCD because it's not disruptive enough without asking me how disruptive anything was. And then when I tried explaining that it was said it's not like I can't sleep or operate unless I do it so I don't qualify. And then the more I tried to explain she went on to list the stereotype of excessive hand washing, counting, etc as real OCD and said I just have tendencies. And then explained then away as being caused by and or related to anxiety and trauma. 

 ...so like OCD? Do you think people are just born with fucked up thinking? Born with excessive worry and disruptive habits? 

It's a fucking reactice response bitch. 

And she laughed off me about helping with a dog and then asked me what I wanted it to do. And then saying she couldn't help with that. She could get a letter if I needed one but it's not something she can do. Even with me specifically asking about a psych dog she had no clue what I was referring to. That's when I went into what I wanted and she then said I probably just needed an ESA. 

And literally Googled places that may prescribe marijuana but "that's not something they do". The more I think about it, the worse it was.

~

And because of the way she waved off my dog inquiry, I felt stupid and so small. 

I just Googled it again and I'm not wrong. ESA are not trained for specific tasks and that's what makes them different from service dogs and you do need a psychiatric diagnosis for one because you need proof of a mental disability that could benefit from the services the animal provides. 

There is no way she even read my intake and if she did, she did not research at all. There's no way she's been practicing for very long either. 

~

HER WEBSITE LITERALLY LISTS OCD AS AN ANXIETY DISORDER ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS

What a fucking waste

Apparently there a four types of OCD and I definitely have 2.

~

I definitely have Contamination OCD and Ruminations/Intrusive Thoughts OCD. 

I should have skipped her office and just gone for the testing. 

~ 

And the more I read, the less I trust her opinion. 

It is important to note that while these four types of OCD are distinct, many individuals may experience symptoms from multiple subtypes or exhibit additional OCD-related behaviors. OCD is a complex disorder that can significantly impact a person’s daily life, relationships, and overall well-being

fatigue, sleep disturbances, gastrointestinal are physical symptoms 

OCD often takes a toll on a person’s emotional well-being. Individuals may experience intense feelings of anxiety, fear, guilt, shame, and distress due to their obsessions and compulsions. They may also become frustrated, irritable, or withdrawn, leading to strained relationships and a diminished overall quality of life.

I'm sorry my OCD isn't disruptive enough or not boxed in enough for you but I've been in therapy for four years bitch. Just because I have been working on something doesn't mean I don't have a problem. And I was very clear on my fear being caught off guard when I'm not able to be mindful enough to help myself. 

She literally did not help me at all. 

~

This was literally my fear. I told Malaina I was scared that I wouldn't receive help because I was high functioning but she told me there are high functioning veterans everywhere who still get the help they need. 

And I was denied the help I wanted simply because I'm high functioning. 

~

And now I've spent restless hours googling, journaling, overthinking, crying on the floor, and pulling my hair out from thinking about all of this shit. 

I'm tired of no one believing me. This doctor, my PCP, Andrea, my family, I'm tired. 

I'm tired of being dismissed and my experience being blamed on outside factors that distract away from the root of the problem and consequently minimize my experience.

It's fucked up. 

I expected so much more from a psychiatrist than what I got. This was bullshit. 

Complete bullshit. 

And they both have been "practicing" since around 2015. In this field? Idk. But this business did in fact open in 2023. 

FML. 

I have punched the wall and didn't feel better, punched myself and that didn't help. Pinched myself, poked myself. 

This is dumb. This is dumb. 

~

I have hit myself some more. Pushed over my desk chair, kicked pillows around, 

All I've ever heard my entire life is "nothing's wrong, you're fine"

I know something is wrong. I am not ok. And to be dismissed at such a level is the worst feeling ever. 

I spent so much time and energy writing all of that stuff down for her to cherry pick two issues and go "you're welcome"

I'm tired of being dismissed and I'm tired of not advocating for myself in real time because I overthink myself small because I don't trust my own opinion. 

And that fucking psychiatrist just made me feel more like I can't trust myself.

~

What's the point? 

What's the point of any of this?

I'm too fucked up to function properly but not fucked up enough for anything I feel to make an impact but too fucked up enough to say anything to take up for myself but not fucked up enough to where it's a big deal.

But here, take these antidepressant candies to treat the anxiety that's enough to warrant drugs but not enough to warrant an OCD diagnosis and cPTSD I have nothing for except for the drugs for anxiety and then therapy, but you're already doing that so that's it basically.

You're brain will be fucked forever but you're fine. 

~

And I forgot to brush my teeth.

But what does that matter?

And what's the point of worrying about my car breaking down? What's that matter if there's nothing I can do to fix it or make anyone care enough to fix it.