what living looks like

I'm in a weird mental space. Not weary weird. Doing voice to text obviously lol. I don't know. I was thinking about how I felt Friday and I also talked to Audrey about getting rebel a gift for work because she's been moving around a lot. And I feel like when she gets settled in somewhere we should get her something as like a thank you for being so flexible. So I was thinking that I wanted to as I think. Okay I'm going to try to start over and do it again. I wanted to email Whitney to let her know I talked to Andrea and I want to get rebel a gift from the company for moving from place to place to place over the last few years. Once she puts down Roots somewhere cuz I know every time I talk to her something she brings up that she doesn't she's not fond of and to be fair I wouldn't be fun of it either. But I want to make sure I get credit for that because as things have gone lately I have not and I don't want to start doing that again here or anywhere to be...

I went to her page. It has been months since I've done that.  It didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would but it did remind me how online presence represents a fraction of a person.  Somebody commented that she's got it all and they're so happy for her.  Yep . She's got it all.  And that's sarcasm.  ~ Saw a picture of myself for last night and feel like a fatty.  ....or felt.  Like I know I'm thick but I have body shape privilege. The shape was not shaping in the picture I took last night. 

I really have a hard time when I first start hanging out with the girls from the gym. Because they talk about the gym a lot and it just reminds me of Candice and how much stuff Candice has started doing that now that I'm not there. It's like she's just went full-fledged committed into doing all this fun stuff at the gym after I left. They go out more they had a field day and all these things and I get to experience none of it because she took that away from me. And when I was sitting next to the other girl that I like thinking about how I could have been like getting closer to her at the gym but I can't because I don't get to do that anymore. So I wanted to cry in the bar several times tonight. But I committed to having fun and drinking my feelings and that's what I did. So oh f****** know it's just really f****** sad. Because Jordan broke up with her boyfriend. So somebody can make good decisions. I don't know all the f****** miles does I've seen th...

So I think I am having trouble with andrea. Not major trouble just trouble that I want to keep my eye on. Turn left I have sorry my navigation is also going to close that out  . I'm doing voice to text. So she likes to ask my opinion on what she should do for things how she should talk to people what she said she should say how she said present things to people ideas to come up with ways of word things that sort of thing. And all that's fine and dandy. But I've noticed lately a lot of what she does is also extra money opinion and what I think about things and when I tell her she then asked me why as a normal conversation. Well then she will retell a story about something she talked to with someone else where she has told my opinion as her own. I don't like that. I know how to dress it because I didn't think adults did that. Because why would you go tell someone something I said but claim that you basically thought of it and not tell them who told you meanwhile I...

I feel more hopeless after seeing that psychiatrist than I did before I went in. I have spent the last few hours in bed with my eyes closed, fully awake and fidgeting. My eyes are swollen and gunky.  And I wasted $200+ on services that amounted to "I can't help you with what you want, I can tell you have 2 things, not sure about the third really because I don't know you but how about we rule that out completely, and you can have your choice of an antidepressant and for sure need therapy but you're already doing that, ok bye" Fucking bitch. Psychiatrists are useless.  ~ I updated my review to add how I feel worse after going on there and I regret spending money on services.  She literally only had 2 other reviews.  One is a therapist that literally only has left 2 reviews in her entirety of using Google reviews and they're both therapy centered because he does referrals.  The other seems like an older woman because of the way she words things. She's only le...

I'm leaving the psychiatrist office and I was a waste of my f****** time and money. I wish I could take all this time back but just not have done that because it was useless. Just for her to sit in there within the first 5 minutes of meeting me immediately how I may or may not feel it's like going to a f****** doctor's office it's cold they make absolute statements of people they don't know and then expect you to be happy about that and feel fulfilled and treat it. I feel f***** at almost 300 dollars that's how I feel. Not excited I wish I could take all that back how much stress over I have wasted on today to be the same leaving that f****** office but left $200. Feel like it's a f****** waste I feel like I shouldn't have done it they're five why. It's just a oh you're fine you have a few OCD tendencies but nothing really major so if it's OCD tendencies why isn't it ocd. Because if you don't think hair pulling is disrupting my li...

It is almost 4 in the morning and I've been up for 30 minutes. Why? ~ Two broken femurs and a fucking brain bleed. Both potentially old wounds. The brain bleed for sure.  The lady said it's the worse case she's seen. She is terrible.  And I just had to sign paperwork as a subject of the investigation.  And she's interviewing all of us in front of each other.  ~ I just asked to be interviewed separately. My ears are burning and I am so fucking nervous.  ~ I told the truth but it also feels wrong and it feels like I didn't tell the entire truth because an interview doesn't leave room for context; it leaves room for interpretation.  Two broken femurs. Two.  What the actual fuck? And here are my panicked thoughts: Did I leave enough context? Was I 100% honest or 90%....or 80%? My sister is going to hate me. Is my mom gonna find out? Is she gonna bully me? Is she gonna question me? Am I gonna have to go to court? If my mom gets the babies who's ...

Another fucking engagement on my timeline.  And I don't think I have said, but I'm not mad at these people for being engaged. I'm a little jealous but I'm more hurt behind the ending of my situationship. It's just reminder after reminder that I'm single and I always have been. And meeting the right person never guarantees anything. She doesn't want security with me. 

Me es drunk.  I stayed out all night. Can't wait to write more.  And I kiiiiinda miss Candice. But I keep telling myself that she's not happy and I am... For the most part.  ~ I'm 5th wheeling a date too. So there's that.  I did grab my crochet out of my car to do. I do miss Candice.  I wish I was getting an Uber to our place to go home to shower and curl up next to her. ~ Meanwhile, she's probably curled up with that girl she claims to love so fucking much.  Fine.  Fine.  ~ She blocked me without a second thought.  I talked to Nikolas tonight. While I was in the car with the peoples.  ~ Fuck her.  ~ Fuck her because I love her and she doesn't love me back.  She fucking started this.  And now I'm by my fucking self.  ~ I am drunk and not in love but a little in angst. Soooooo yep. ~ I had a good night sleep last night at britney's. I bet her job I meant I guess her roommate's dog was a huge like Mastiff I think if I'm...

Life has been weird. In no specific order, I'm growing closer to the crochet ladies. Everyone is excited to see me and I'm always excited to see them, even when I'm in a mood.  Lynette has been gifting me things since we met.  And today, while I was putting stuff up, I thought about it. We had a merchant send a sample bag that was cheap and I jokingly gave it to Tatum because we had no use for it, it was not a decent price but useful nonetheless. So I gave it to her because she's moving and we both joke about how we don't like packing and she also uses bags. So since she's moving, I gave her the bag for this weekend. Today, I knew Lynette was gonna give me free yarn at the shop. She'd texted me earlier this week and I was like "chess please" lol.  I didn't end up getting to stay because Brittany invited me to hang out with her and Sophie. So I took them up on it so I can get out some more. And before I left, Lynette stopped me and to get the ya...

I am exhausted mentally right now. Yesterday was rough and I hated it. I just wanted to crawl into a ball and cry all day. And then my period started which helped explain things a little but not really. My feelings are hurt, my nerves are bothered, I'm really worried about Tori's birthday trip. I would love to go but I don't think I have it ok me mentally and I really don't feel like spending $300 on a flight, God only knows how much for the hour long shuttle, room fare, Ubers or a rental car, food, drinks, activities, etc. And then my family has been on my nerves about the dog so I may have to pay to board her.  So I RSVP but I'd rather send her $200 as a gift than go at this point. I know me right now isn't feeling it, but I tried to book my flight like 4 times this morning and it did not work.

Candice never wanted a relationship with me. She wanted whatever she got from doing what she did and that was it.  This was all about her. I was just a character in her side story.  She hasn't reached out. She never apologized. She never looked back. She never looked back.  She kept moving forward without me because she was done since I refused to let her indulge. She's done. She's been done since she said those words: "I hope you find what you're looking for" Well fuck you. I hope you don't find what you're looking for but secretly no o don't because I'm not a shitty person as much as I'd like to be.  Besides, she's already found what she wants, what she was looking for. I was never that.  I was just a toy and she had her fun and that's that. 

. I do want to cry I wanted to leave early at one point I just didn't know how to really feel. I did have a panic attack up the street from the place but that's excited I work my way through it. I was really scared of Kansas is going to show up and then when she does I'm just like I'm never going to see her again.. so I don't think I would ever have to worry about running into her anywhere because I don't think she's going to let that happen as long as she held it but just great but it's not what I want. And everybody everybody's talking about going to the gym and working out and doing all these things and I'm not doing that and I just f****** sucks cuz that's how I met majority of these people you know I don't have that anymore I don't get to have that that's all coach Denise today and I haven't seen her since I left and that also made me really sad Christmas it's not fun I don't enjoy that feeling that feeling sucks....