weird mood

So my pooping has gotten better. I'm still not as regular as I used to be and it's still not producing as much as it should be I feel like. But we're getting there slowly but surely. And feel like this happened last night but I don't remember that's exactly right maybe the night before I'm pretty sure it was last night though. I had a dream that was out with a friend Andrea gave him to my window was trying to like talk or give me to do something and I politely decline and she wasn't it felt like a nightmare but it also just felt uncomfortable cuz it was like that wouldn't get her to go away but I can't remember what else happened in that dream. It was definitely last night because I didn't see she watching my story on Facebook I'm pretty sure was an accident cuz she immediately. But that's all I got really I feel like I'm in a weird mood I don't feel happy I don't feel sad I feel a little like almost irritated but also that makes no sense so I don't know. I do have a telehealth appointment this morning with my doctor to go over the other lab she had to run the one bottle of blood that she kind of struggle to get didn't stay good for them to test it or whatever. And then at EMDR today too. I do feel up for that I'm also just like a little terrified so we'll see. We'll see

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Okay. I'm going to be in traffic for a minute. Well that should have been like I shouldn't have put a period there but oh well since I'm going to be in traffic for a minute I was thinking and I know I feel a little irritated but I don't really have a reason to feel irritated I remember Melina telling me that that's a sign for something in my bodies apparently there are feelings I don't want to. So we're going to say the things that I don't want to say. I've been thinking about this brunch and if Candice is going to show up with that girlfriend. I might have to leave. I just don't understand why I would meet Candice and just be my story if it's going to end like this. I don't want it I don't like it I didn't enjoy the ending. I just want to be friends and you shouldn't have this conversations anymore and it's confusing to me but then Double down. But the moment I call her on the carpet she decides to block me. Cuz she didn't want to f****** deal with anything I don't even know why she would do any of this cuz she was going to follow through or at least try to be f****** no more because I know she wasn't getting what she got for me from her girlfriend she was getting it for me but she didn't want to be with me she just wanted to get what she needed and going about her days so that was good know I'm trying to start dating life this is f****** stupid cuz I feel like we feel the same way about each other and that's just it I have to find the way to put those feelings for forever cuz she's not going to f****** deal I really don't know what she expected at all I feel like it's the least thought out playing that she's probably ever had and she did it anyway for what that's why I'm irritated

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I just got sprayed with the faucet at work. Almost started crying. I get on Instagram to show my Close Friends and another Creator I follow is newly engaged. 

Fuck this year. 

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I thought I turned it off and it happened again. So now my right AND left side is soaked. 

I even slowly turned on the faucet to make sure and it played me. 

~

I just had my teleheath visit where my doctor always sounds disappointed to know my test results are normal. And she always finds creative ways to say "you're a fat bitch".

"Maybe if you get to feeling better and want to start exercising and then you'll start eating better"

Go fuck yourself. I was exercising and still felt like shit last year. It's my fucking brain, bitch. 

"And if you see Serenity people and get your mental health better it may help with the eating and bring your weight down and may help you feel better. And your A1C was right at the level for normal but any higher would've put you at diabetic."

Ma'am, I came in about OCD. Go fuck yourself. 

~

And my computer stop functioning this morning right before my appointment. So IT has been working on it since a little after 10 am. 

And I'm just at my desk, toes out, a little gassy, doing nothing really. 

~

And after a quick Google, I learned that A1C is a number pulled from like 3 months of your body's data. AND stress also affects the levels. When stressed, your body releases hormones that raise blood sugar levels. 

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Aaaaaaaand the psychiatrist company just called me. It's $200 initially as a copay and guess where this place is????

Right next to the gym I joined when I quit mine. I literally used to look at it every day and wonder what was in that building, if anything. And now I'll be going back over there to go in it.

Fuck. What are the chances? Why couldn't it have been LITERALLY ANYWHERE ELSE?! 

Fuck. 

Why? Just, why? Literally why?

~

I'm gonna have 3 therapists. 

THREEEEEEE. 

Three. 

Literally three. 

~

And then Andrea wants updates.

Asking about family, telling me about apartments she passed by, asking about my budget. MONEY IS TIED UP, YOU KNOW THIS, DON'T ASK ME THAT. 

And then she talks about the dating. "well what are your preferences set to" well it doesn't work like that "well you know just because someone says they're in an enm doesnt mean they are" do i look fucking stupid "well some men do just want sex" no fucking shit. So I was laughing about the one guy who immediately wanted to fuck me without foreplay and she tries mansplaining that to me "well he seriously probably thinks the massage is foreplay" He doesn't need a fucking savior, he just wants to fuck. "Well if that's not what you want, you'd just be wasting your time" no fucking shit. So I got snippy again, it's a waste of time either way. Even if that is what I want, there's still no guarantee the sex would be good. It's all a fucking gamble. Be fucking for real. 

And then I update her on the doctor. "well she probably means you're nutrition could help your mental health" And she got to see my snippy side when I said i get that but she should have said that with her English Language words. 

I'm just disheartened and a little overwhelmed with all this shit and a part of me still wishes I could make my emotions just disappear.

And then she was like "well what you eat can affect blah blah" I don't caaaaaare. I don't want to hear it,  I don't give a shit.

All this things aren't solid "fixes" There is no FIX. If there was, I would have found it a looooong fucking time ago. I have survived prolonged trauma. 

There is just work. I just have to constantly work at feeling and being better. 

I know she's telling herself all these things but she literally has a garden and still feels like shit. Because it takes consistent work and effort to make the brain and body recognize that I'm not longer stuck, or trapped, or unsafe.

I have to rewire my entire being and restructure my entire fucking life and the only friend I had who knew and understood that and would freely talk to me about it has successfully fucked me over and cut me out of her life. 

So excuse me for wanting to work on myself without being misled by others who don't believe me or don't understand or don't want to hear that doing the work doesn't stop at nutrition, sunlight, daily walks and happy thoughts.

It's fucking unforgiving sometimes so excuse me for feeling my feelings and sharing them just because. 

And I'm really tired of being irritated.

~

Also, this is the very same person that JUST told me last week that she finds it hard to get out of her own head. 

And I know she's only trying to help me and her help stops where her self-work stops but let be for real. I'm 4 years into therapy, 2 therapists on my dime, and about to get a third. I've learned to sort my thoughts years ago. Fuck outta here. 

~

I also have been feeling a little distrust-y of Andrea. 

I can't put my finger on it. I have things that I worry about but I don't want to say them just yet. 

Maybe later.

I'm not saying 100% something is wrong but 30% of something is off. 

Especially after I told her how much I want to be a therapist and how much I'd love to have my hands more in HR. Then she literally started searching for someone to do HR that wasn't me. And now she's talking about doing a training course at a local campus on Accounting software. 

I feel like she's pushing me in a direction that benefits her more than it does me.

And as soon as I mentioned maybe looking for a place out where she lives, she was gung ho. And she really "has a good feeling" about this one apartment complex I have no feelings about. 

Have I put myself in yet another fucked up relationship or is this just something that needs to be addressed and deaded?

~

And the way I had to talk her off a ledge when Chris jokingly offered me a job at the Firm...

I think I've been caretaking. I know I've been caretaking but I think I need to be more mindful about that with her. I feel like I may be slipping into old habits.

I think I that's why "hope you find what you're looking for" bothered me. Because it's not a caring statement. It feels more like a catch-all statement of pleasantries more than a genuine statement of care. It feels like "I've got nothing else to say so here you go".

And I don't like that

~

I'm leaving book club in a better mood. It was a little weird at first like awkward cuz I was the first one there and then meeting new people trying to figure out if it's going to be okay or not all the things lol but it was great got a good time. And I brought Lacey lemonade cuz like I'm going to rent the canes do you want anything and she's like oh yeah give me a lemonade so I can hurt lemonade and it was just really nice I got to enjoy hanging out with them. It was a little weird at first cuz some of their a lot of them are parents it was like baby talk and I was like oh yes babies are so cute can we do something else lol. But they're also really chill really cool it's like at one point when I'm all the mom's gone ones out of room and all of us get on the other side we just like all had our own little chitchats going which is also really fun and really cute and I was like look at us look at us having a good time and enjoying each other's company and we all came back together and the night together so it was really nice. I am at EMDR today and that went well. I went in there she's like how are you and I was like I'm irritated she was like okay and I was going over everything and I was really thinking about just like a gist and we had a really nice talk and she was like going over some things that I want to work on question they were coming up in like when you feel this way how have you feel about this or feelings be coming up how about I am and I'm not enough has that been coming up it's a lot of checking in and like getting me to say how I feel which I know sounds like of course that's what they're doing it's therapy but no it's it's a lot of just like open-ended questions that require you to go into yourself and as rudimentary as that sounds it's not easy to do. So I sat with a lot of my thoughts and I was talking about with her and tell him about the psychiatrist if I wanted a dog but I want the dog for and I was like I really don't know but I know they do like the pressure sitting that's like it's really just about if I get into those moments or I'm not checking it with myself and I'm not taking care of myself and I'm more passive I want somebody to at least like be there to tell me like hey come back to snap out of it come back to present and take care of yourself girl. And she asked me about panic attacks and how recent was my last one and I was like I didn't I told her about the stuff about my mom and the air conditioner and all that stuff and I was like I didn't have a panic attack but I do feel like if I was doing that by myself I would have had a panic attack. And I was like I was very shaky and very irritated and even after you know I was able to talk at their friends and stuff I still feel like did I do the right thing and my handling it well is that what should have happened or maybe I am blowing things out of proportion would sure go back to like I do want to work on trusting myself it's just like that's where we are right now on this list okay like that's what you said last time you want to trust yourself to do what's in your best interest and I was like yes I do I really do just like okay we can work on the technician so next time I come in we agreed to do brain spotting so you know she was like how do you feel about brain spotting if we do that next time and I was like trying to find a way to say. Sounds like there was a lot of ugly crying but I did enjoy it LOL it's just like okay and she's like a lot about guys just like don't like it but they also do like it because it I was like yes no that's very disgusting but also very productive let's do it I'm ready. Feeling all these feelings I'm like I don't want to be stuck in this cycle I would like to go on and move on but it's like small stuff keeps bringing me back to a place that I didn't want to be in and I was trying to figure out like how to what to do and like why somebody coincidences and why things keep coming up and all this whatever she's like well yeah it's a small town she left you like venturing out and breaking out and she's like maybe having a conversation with your friends about not bringing up the gym and Candice and I was like yes I have thought about that I just know that probably does need to happen at some point I just don't know what that looks like or what that sounds like but yes. There's no time where I made her laugh so let me tell her she made me laugh I was crying but it was very much like a girl this is your therapy session so that's therapist LOL and it was just really good. And then I got back and Andrea told me about this place she's going with Robert and I was like oh my god I've always wanted to stay in one of those and then she was like oh and you're here while this is coming in and I was like okay I wasn't looking at her email and glanced over and I saw my name is subject line with Troy and I was like oh and she was like okay well I am talking about giving you raise I just need to have it approved by at least the other two it's like really just one more person really and it was like it's that's cuz she's like it's not big but it is something you know it's like no that's great and I wasn't like over the moon excited about like I will take anything really because I am I know deep down I am happier than I was and I'll explain that to her too cuz apparently her son is going through a similar thing in life for like things are just shifting and it's not something he wanted to do but it's something he knew he had to do so trying to figure out what life looks like now that it's like a break in the cycle of like here's how things should happen and things didn't happen that way. Sounds like yeah no it's a very weird feeling like where you were in life you were so happy and like now that you're trying to figure out what life looks like are you really happy now or were you happy or thin and like it is going to be better for you or should you just never have left how you were it's a very weird back and forth she's like yeah he's very much like in the middle and I was like yeah that's that's about it. And it cuz she was like he also pulls his hair but he pulls his beard and she's like yeah we were FaceTiming and I was asking him like about his beer cuz there was a patch messing and I was like yep and that's when he start talking about all the other things and I was like yeah it's it's something I'm in to their possessions and pulling it still like something that I struggle with sometimes I'm doing it right now I'm driving and doing my diary. At least I'm now actively doing it it's not a passive response anymore I keep going back to that. But also brought that up by the dog too I was like at least if I have a dog like if I'm pulling they can stop that behavior from happening and like any other OCD tendencies I have that I haven't identified directly. And she was like she also brought up c PTSD cuz I brought up Emily and I was like she's a therapist cuz she asked me something about something I forgot but I was like that's funny because Emily wasn't therapist who oh she asked me what my inner child about how I imagine myself as a kid cuz we were talking about my memory is about the whole promotion thing and I was like that's funny because my therapist in between Britney she's the one who told me I had a traumatic childhood and I was like okay and in it she was like okay how do you see yourself as a child and what is that now it's like I don't know feel more like an adult and I don't think I did feel more like an adult she's like that's not how that's supposed to go children should feel like children you shouldn't feel like an adult as a child and I was like oh that makes sense so we have to conversation and looked at myself. So we talked a little bit about that I was going somewhere with that but I don't remember where exactly. Oh that's like Emily introduced me to my traumatic childhood and with that she also I was like I feel like she's the one who introduced me to see PTSD cuz she was asking me how I got that diagnosis and I was like either her Britney I can't remember but I was like Emily did tell me about codependency I was like she had me read a book and it was kind of like a all in one type deal or didn't you just one thing like brought in another and I was like oh I must have that a little bit. I said codependency for sure was Emily she introduced that to me about me and my mom there's a codependency for sure to introduced to me about me and my mom that's like cptsd could have either been her Brittany I don't really remember she may have also been trying to get in front of the psychiatrist cuz I brought that up too she was probably trying to work in a lot of different things at once to see what she's going to tell them when they inevitably call her cuz I'm sure they will. Which I'm supposed to be going home to do that paperwork tonight and I really don't want to so we're going to see I don't know. No it's almost 10:00 I'm not doing the paperwork. But yeah so today is it on a better note than it started this morning I will say getting sprayed with the faucet twice depressing I almost lost it this morning. But I was able to like have a pretty decent day and that was not something I expected this morning so that's a win. That's a win

Get, will you talked about cans for a little bit one of the things being how I have this large group of people who are accepting me and that's very new to me and that I have this small group of like rejection that doesn't feel great sounds like every time even though they want outweighs the other the more I am accepted the more reminds me of that rejection so it's been a struggle to like balance the two of those kind of sort of in my brain she helped me like a little bit dick into like okay what does it feel like to be accepted though and like leaning into that more like to be accepted and experience yada yada yada. To focus my attention more on that than the rejection basically. So she also oh I think it was talking about that because I was like it's like even when like Tori invited me to meet her mom that was another moment where I was like oh that's like I did check in with Britney in between cuz I was really happy and I know that I'm really happy kind of like no stuff sometimes from there sounds like these things are happening and like the fancy baby shower and then 20 wants me to meet her mom and she's like well you know what that means that's like I don't know what it means she was like help me walk into like these people like you that's what that means you're likable they like you they want you around and I was like oh my God and I was joking with her I was like yeah it's just odd because even with the more friends I make there's still a part of me like are you my friend or are you just a stranger that I don't know and I was like I know how that sounds I understand she was like yeah cuz everybody's a stranger you don't know I was like correct but that time right even though I know that to be valid and true I still have a small question and just like are you really my friend or are you just as person that I know and I'm just calling you my friend which one is it.