trying

On my way back to my house I'm on my way back to my house I went to the car place this morning and got my oil changed my air filter change new windshield wipers put on. And then I went over to the crochet shop to hang out with the girls. That was fun we talked about her meeting with Chris which went well like I knew it would. This is my part of me that like takes a little credit of that way even though I did not EX ecute I have planned next position s. I think that's also a new challenge to be a thing for me growing up. But it was fun and I was able to hang out with Nancy and it was such a good time and they invited me to their retreat next year and I definitely want to go sounds like a really good time to go to Arkansas with a bunch of women. And my car is making some weird noise that it was not making before I take it to the shop so real confused just a lot of things happening now f*** it is. Anyways I'm going to try to make do with what I have I was a little upset this morning because I came across the story of somebody working out at the gym. And that's still is upsetting for me to look at sometimes Especially giving everything right now. I've cried a little bit on the way to the shop and I was a little sad before I even decided to go and almost didn't go but I'm glad I have to post it later but my sister text me this morning and that was upsetting enough for me to be like f*** all of this but I don't want to be at the house and say f*** all this I want to get out of the house and say f*** all of this so that's what I did. Out of it. I want out of that house. But I am leaving Laura's from putting water in her beautiful plants. Hopefully know them die all my life even though it's just a day lol. But I am like watering and growing this new life for myself and I know it's having an effect on how I'd show up and do all these other things but always bring me back and I'll be happy for the day that that is not a constant thought in the back of my mind every time somebody treats me nice. And I'm really like I had the thought again today of like me and I'll be happy to get over her and I'm trying to give myself the credit and the time and the patience and understanding but it's real hard when I was the majority of my life just being pissed at myself for stuff that I should not be pissed to myself about. I do have a session with my therapist on the 4th so I'll get to talk to her and figure out like get the check in basically to see if I'm okay I know I'm okay it's just professional help is needed right now. I'm constipated I accidentally took way too much vitamin d. To my skin is dry my mouth is dry my lips are dry I thought for a second my eyeballs were driving this morning I was going to cry but didn't know if I had to cry cuz everything is dry. I don't know I'm just a little in my feelings I guess and I knew that was going to happen I just don't find it funny. Not funny I don't find it fun. Just a little annoying but I'm trying still getting out doing things making connections seeing people it's just a matter of time I guess. I don't mean it like matter of fact I mean it's just a matter of waiting on my feelings to pass and trying to date is just remind me of that rejection how easy things were with her and how hard it is with these strangers on the internet and I'm just having a good time. I'm not having a good time I mean I'm just having a time. Not that I'm not having a good time it's just not what I meant to say LOL

I will say funny enough I was thinking today I wanted to make more stuff for myself anyway yesterday I've been making all these stuff for other people for crochet and I hadn't really set it out loud it's just been thought and passing in my mind. I was taking a back when I sat back down after my call with Andrea and later on Nancy was like hey is it your chicken what is that let me see me and she was like have you made anything for yourself and I was like oh oh somebody checking on me to make sure that I'm taking care of myself and I was like yes I made a car again and she's like okay and then she showed me some stuff some patterns that I could use to make some other clothing for myself cuz I told about this dress I wanted to make it hard over thought it just give me some tips and pointers and things. And now her number and she has my number. I'm still trying like I know I say that every time I get on here but like it's a big thing and I'm trying to remind myself every time I feel bad I want to be myself up and I'm f****** trying. I'm really trying my best and I can only do what I can do and the least I can do for myself every day. Even if that means I'm crying I'm frustrated I'm annoyed I'm sad. I can chill for myself.

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I've had substances. 

As promised, here's the text. 

I had literally spent an hour snoozing my alarm and the moment i decided to get out of bed and get ready, this happens:

I wish I were joking. 

After immediately getting annoyed I started feeling guilty and then I worked my way out of those thoughts only to end up being scared about this possibly triggering a panic attack. 

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Also, my edibles are barely working. They calm me down but I'm not high. I'm gonna take a little more.