thoughts of her

I've had substances. 

I was gone say I'm struggling but Im not struggling-- I'm just thinking more about Candice. I'm seeing Mazdas everywhere, a few in her color.  

This morning, I asked Maddy if she wanted to do a wine and movie place together this month and she said yes. 

And Laura asked me to watch her plants this weekend and to hang out on Monday and I said yes. We may have to reschedule Monday because I'm hanging out with Kaylin but we haven't decided on a time. 

I accepted Tori's birthday invite. I'm going to see Mia next week.

I have brunch on Monday too. 

I'm a little overwhelmed with joy AND because these are my gym friends, I think about Candice. 

I miss her so much. I want to talk to her, I want to hear her laugh, I want to see her. I want to know what she smells like, what her hands feel like in mine, the texture of her hair, I want to lay my head in her lap. 

I want her. 

I want her. 

~

And I realized today that Candice got my messages on Instagram when I apologized and confessed all my everything. And when I asked her if she was quitting the gym.

And she didn't block me.

But maybe her removing me as a follower was a start.... And then the next time I messaged her, she blocked me.

I do not understand how she can feel what I feel and give me a version of her no one believes exists just to let me walk away without her even confessing anything true. 

~

Maybe we were a blip. 

...I keep trying to find ways to explain things away, feelings away. And I can't. I couldn't then and I can't now. 

~

I'm also watching The Adjustment Bureau. I thought it would be like a funny Jason Bourne movie. Turns out, it's a romantic movie about chance and love and soulmates and the main characters is doing everything in and out of his power, risking everything he's ever worked for because of his own "shoulds" to go for what he really wants-- the love of his life.